6/27/2011 01:57:00 AM

Blurry lines

So... It's quite late :( I should be asleep but I had to wait until enough of the water I drank while working out was out of my system to make sure that my double dose of Senna tea would be potent enough to twist my bowels around tomorrow morning when I wake up... and it got me thinking along the lines of this post... how odd it is that I (at this point anyway) would NEVER consider taking OTC, chemical based laxative pills but I didn't blink when I decided to make sure I'd be empty tomorrow for my weigh in... knowing that would involve drinking an herbal laxative.

In a similar vain... I do not make myself purge. I kinda hate vomiting and never was able to trigger my gag reflex the few times I did try when I was younger... BUT, if I got sick and felt as if I was going to throw up... depending on how my day was, I might actually try to help it along by coughing or whatever rather than fight it.

Also... I wouldn't let myself take diet pills the last few days because I was worried they were causing a reaction in my thyroid (will test it out tomorrow if I don't spend my whole morning in the bathroom X[ ), but today when I wanted to make sure I got a decent work out in, I didn't think twice about swigging down some energy drink which has similar ingredients in it (not entirely true... I did think twice, but it was more of a 'do I deserve to use something that will make this easier?' kinda thing... which I decided I did because I was able to front being energetic pretty well today even though I felt super super drained... had I failed to be spunky enough to pass for normal me I don't think I would have let myself have it as incentive to do better next time. After the recent comments, I've decided 'hiding out in the open' as a fat person crash-dieting isn't working out so well, so I gotta start just plan old... hiding.)

Sooo... the questions for today are...

1. Will I sleep through the night lol? (only time will tell...)
2. Is using a natural supplement just a way for me to deny that I am starting to abuse laxies (and other diet aids like Energy drinks etc)? I mean... I don't actually *need* any help this time, I just used it to meet a certain time table.
3. Am I blurring the lines I've drawn a bit too much?
4. How different is hypothetically allowing something to happen from making it happen? 

Hmmmm......... better get to bed before cramping starts! Really hopping for a loss btw... which is why I'm doing this. I felt smaller today, despite being bloated from all the food soo... *crosses fingers*


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