9/21/2011 09:24:00 AM
128 lbs
BMI 20.0
15.6% BF


New decade, 25 inch waist 35 inch hips... (0/2)

- 80 lbs in 1/2 year. I feel so high from all this I can't even write full sentences lol... I know the joy won't last, but good lord... I better relish it while I can.
9/19/2011 10:59:00 PM

Tight Rope walking

Hi readers. Long time no write :x Sorry about that for those of you who are not also active on the online community I post a journal to. Things have been SOOO up and down... There was a good two week period where I was basically a raw nerve exposed... I thought I was dying, literally... and you know, I guess I am in some ways. Whatever... I'm kinda ok with it atm lol.

Someone wrote a comment on this journal today which reminded me to come back and made me think I should make an update. So here it is!

First the comment....

All of these women are too skinny. Do not make them your goal. Celebrities who have great legs and shapes are something I can refer to that you will know. Gwyneth Paltrow has about the thinnest body that remains attractive. Jennifer Aniston has great shaped legs. Beyonce has great larger legs. There are so many awesome shapely women you can use as examples, but models are almost all inappropriately skinny. They have to bend their legs to generate any curves at all, and that is unattractive.
You can have a slender body and remain curvy. Lots of women who are not celebrities do that. The world is full of beautiful women who don't think they are, and it saddens me.
At 5'7", 135 is an awesome weight, and the only way you can get a thigh gap with your knees together is liposuction and emaciated quadriceps, unless you are blessed with rare genetics. The shape of the quadriceps determine the overall thigh shape and does not change with exercise, it only shrinks or grows. Know your shape and play to that. Fit is beautiful, thin is not.
Enjoy your body,
It was made on this thinspo post.

To B, I can't accept less than what I think is perfection. Twisting my body into an image stuck in my head is the only way for me to cope with all the lack of control I feel I have in every other area in my life. I'm not saying it's healthy, or right... but what I see there, in those pictures... that's perfection. So while I appreciate your words, the sentiment behind them and even the value they have, and would totally second the opinion if it were directed towards anyone else... it means very little to me unfortunately :(

The good news is... I'm close. I'm not there yet, but the last time I weighed in (Sunday) I was at 15.6% BF! 130.8 lbs... and I figured out a way to post a picture of myself without reveling too much!!!

It doesn't go quite as high as I'd like it to be... but my knees are together in the picture, as are my feet... and the light still shines through so... there is a baby gap.

To others... I didn't have my period again this month :/ I'm slightly concerned. in an effort to be kinder to my body I am slowly adding calories and I've also started to cut back on exercise a bit. I will be weighing in every 3 days to make sure the changes I am making are not causing me to gain BF... and as long as I am still losing, I will continue to up the calories. I tried to do so at a faster pace than I am now, but ended up freaking out b/c of a gain so... I went from 1050c per day back to 600, and have gotten up to 900. My next weigh in is Wednesday. I feel I've lost already... that or my jeans have stretched a bit, either is possible lol... so, I'm thinking I'll be 1000 starting Wednesday. Each addition has been a different type of food source so that I can see how my body is reacting to each type.

I was planning on making the next 100c be fat/protien based flavors for my dinner/lunch OR snacks... (i.e. hummus for snack, or as a flavor addition to dinner.... pesto, etc....) BUT, I'm considering trying grains next... just 100c (so enough for one serving for me...) at lunch. maybe.... idk, sounds unsafe :( I'm pretty sure they are what caused the gain last time but at the same time, I need my body to get used to starchy carbs again before my trip... so maybe sooner is better. UGH. Anyway, that's where I'm at. Trying to find a balance between healthier loss/eventual maintanence and calories/exercise.
9/02/2011 01:45:00 AM

Week 23 Weigh in


49.8 Muscle

Not bad at all. I made my goal for August. Sorry I haven't been updating a lot... with the new community starting I've been quite busy with my internet time elsewhere. Also, honestly... lots of the stuff I've wanted to post about has been too personal to be in a non-closed community.

I promise I'll post something worth reading soon. Sorry again :( xoxo
8/28/2011 02:58:00 AM

Falling apart at the seams (Health Issues.... )

In August...

  • I didn't have my period (3 months required before considered a problem... but still :( )
  • I greyed out once (lost clear vision, was about to faint but managed not to)
  • Woke up with a really bad cramp in my leg once, and almost a second time (managed to avoid it by drinking water and moving leg to better position for circulation)
  • Have felt woozy when standing up too fast many times
  • HR is <60 (BP is normal and HR is >50 so... not TERRIBLE, but not bad)
  • May have lost ability to poo without MASSIVE amounts of fiber, or aid from laxatives...
  • Had weird feelings in my back... maybe where my kidneys are? not sure :( 
  • Have started feeling like I'm in a 'fun house' whenever I pass by reflective surfaces... I can't see myself really.
    • will write more on this later... 

I'm not sure what to do over the next few days. I'll write about it more later, but wanted to make this update now :( 
8/28/2011 02:43:00 AM

week 22 weigh in and summary

136.6 lbs

that's all I have energy for atm.
8/25/2011 07:37:00 AM

Friends sites to go down....

Just thought you should all know... As of September 1st, the friends sites will be closed down by the owner. She did not explain why, and frankly does not have to of course. Please get in touch with those who you most want to keep up with so that you can find another means.

Also, FB me or something if you want to know about replacement community sites. I don't want to just post the link where ANYONE can see it, I feel like the friends sites were kind of hard to find (and register for) which is what kept them homey... and don't want to make this one any different by trying to reach out to you all :p Love you!
8/23/2011 09:44:00 PM

E is for Ephedrine... C is for Caffiene... A is for Aspirin

In a final push to get within 10 lbs of my (current) ugw before I start trying to well... idk...? come out of the restriction I've been in for the last few months, I've started doing the ECA stack using an OTC decongestant as my Ephedrine (Sulfate unfortunately... no HCL available in the US :( ) source. Yesterday I did 48mg ephedrine and 400 mg caffiene in 3 doses where I took 1/2 of each pill in the morning and afternoon, and then a whole one at night.

Today I tried full dose both times, but still was only at 48/400 b/c I was kinda jittery in a bad way during the afternoon and didn't want to be unable to sleep tonight. No bad side effects yet... i don't think. idk...one of my knees kinda collapsed a few times but I don't think that has to do with the stack. We'll see how I feel tomorrow... I'm just going to take the dosing one day at a time. Thinking I might do full dose morning (6am), half dose afternoon (11:30-12pm), full dose early evening (4pm). We'll see... I hope it helps! It's only 5 lbs I want to lose in the next 8 days... probably less than that actually. I weighed in yesterday at the same I did on Thursday but it's been DAYS since I've had a movement.... Fucking poop. I'll lax tomorrow evening if I don't have a movement before then. I will NOT weigh in full two times in a row.

Anyway, back to ECA... The biggest thing I've noticed, other than the energy which I'm loving, is that I'm THIRSTY ALL THE TIME... and I pee a lot. it must be the diuretic effect of the caffeine. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Also, I've only been taking the aspirin in the morning. idk if that's how you're supposed to do it... but most of the literature I've read says it plays a pretty minimal role anyway. Time to go burn some calories and do some pilates!
8/21/2011 09:37:00 AM

Moving forward

I've had a few health issues that make me think I NEED to slow down if I'm going to keep the promise I made to myself (not to do anything I KNEW was hurting me BADLY... not to cross the line TOO much)... I'll write more about those later.... Anyway, here is my plan for trying to get to a more normal place with food... 

Pre-September Push

Stick at 550-600 calories a Day for the rest of this month.
Use Energy drinks to help get calorie burn goal up at work so I don't have to do quite as much at home since I've been struggling with it. (until Monday)
Do ECA Stack for 10 days until Sept. 1st, I will go back to the energy drinks then to keep myself from totally crashing, and then ween myself off of them too, where I can use them SOMETIMES, but not everday.

Goal: <135 by Sept 1st weigh in - achievable but challenging

September - Wind Down

It kills me... b/c if all goes right over the next 12 days I'll be SO SO Close and have 21 days to lose 9-10 lbs... but I need to start getting ready to eat more... to lose more slowly :( So... New goal for 21st is to be <130 for sure, and god willing I'll still get 125 but I'm not going to push for it... unless like... I'm 127 on the weigh in before the 21st b/c then well... 2lbs in 4 days is hard but achievable. Anyway...

Week 1 - Jump up to 1050 calories a day with 2 free meals b/c it's my birthday week. I will still try to keep the day's total reasonable by skipping snacks on them, which will give me 300 calories to use at dinner.

Meal plan: +500! (1050)
+ 100c Almonds
+ 100c Pumpkin Seeds
+ 50c LF Cheese
+ 150c in fruit
+ 100c in Quinoa

Nuts and part of the fruit will be mid-morning and afternoon snacks.
Quinoa will be added to lunch
LF Cheese to breakfast.

I will eat this way every day for this week and evaluate my results... which will determine my plan for future weeks... but here is the rough outline.

Week 2: +150 (1200)
+60c in Almonds
+54c in Egg Yolk (-4 from egg white to balance)
+40c in Pumpkin Seeds
(EEP! Lots of fat D:)

*Depending on Loss from week 1, I may have 1 day of pure protien ~500c

Week 3: +150 (1350)
+100c Quinoa
+50c Hummus or Tomato Sauce OR some other flavoring for either lunch or dinner

*Depending on Loss from previous week, I may have 1 day of pure protien ~500c

Week 4: +150 (1500) IF I lost 1.5 on week 3 and am under 125.... Else, stay with week 3's plan.
+50c in LF cheese (either part of a snack or lunch or dinner)
+50c in Tomato Sauce or some other flavoring for either lunch or dinner
+50c from... idk... haven't decided! Maybe more veg? Part of snack or something...

*Depending on Loss from previous week, I may have 1 day of pure protien ~500c

Week 5: (+150 if still losing and under 125) 1650
+110 from protien shake
+40 from bringing up other things so they can be more 'normal' serving sizes (ie, 1 oz of almonds = 163 calories, but I need it to be under 160 until this week so... I'll be doing 27g instead of 28g... same thing with Quinoa/pumpkin seeds etc)

Week 6: 1800 (+150 if still losing and under 125) 1800
idk yet... will figure it around week 4 when I see how I'm doing emotionally weight wise...
8/19/2011 09:31:00 AM

Wrap up of MC

Thursday's weigh in put me at 139.8. I am counting Wednesday (so what made my morning weigh-in on Thursday) as the last day of easing out as it was the first day I was back completely on what my normal eating routine is (ie. i had meat too...) From ease in to ease out I lost 10.8 lbs and 1 inch in most places. Not bad results at all. I also feel I have a *bit* of a stricter and more 'healthy' attitude towards food... what I mean to say is, I am going to make a conscious effort to avoid non-natural products as much as possible... and go for organic when I can.

That said, I have recently started drinking energy drinks again, and will be starting an ECA stack on Monday so... lol. well, that's why it's "as much as I can." I need to make a final push for September... so I can't go 100% natural yet. BUT, I hope to within the next two months or so.

Some people do the MC once every year (or even more often...) I don't think I will be one of them. It was hard, and it freaked a lot of people out... I can see myself doing it again though, just not as a regular thing. I think I will use it as a means to transition into something new. like... in my head, I think it would be nice to go 70% or so raw... or maybe 100% Paleo. Doing a MC as part of the transition would probably help... but I'm not ready for that yet. for one... I don't have the money... and I also am still too restrictive on calories/carbs/fats to do either of them.

8/18/2011 09:37:00 AM

week 21 weigh in and summary

Overall Weight: 139.8 (-3.4 lbs)
BF%: 23.4 (-2.4 lbs)
Muscle Weight: 49.6 (-.4 )
Water%: 55% (-.9lb in water, but up in %)

Ok, added a new stat to track lol... Not a bad week at all. If it keeps up like this, I'll be <135 by September which is my new goal. we'll see!
8/12/2011 11:44:00 PM

Week 20 weigh in/Summary AND Ease Out Day 1

Weigh in: 143.2
Aug 1stAug 11thChange
Left Arm1211-1
Right Arm11.7511.750
Left Thigh23.522-1.5
Right Thigh23.522.5-1
GW5 striked off!
Size 6 Obtained... (really?)
at this rate, I think I may be a size 2 when I finish... me. extra small? There's no way... I won't be able to see it, I know that, and it scares me a bit. why isn't there any joy in this disease? Ugh... we encourage each other to see how small they've become and how successful, but sabotage our own progress with negativity and it drives me mad.

I went shopping after my pilates lesson. I needed a new bra, desperately. It was kinda depressing... when the woman measured me she said 34A!! But I actually fit into a 34C. This must mean my breasts are sagging so much that they look thinner when nothing is holding them up :( How disgusting.... my skin sag really is becoming noticeable to me. I know it will take time to get better though, which is another reason I want to try and wait to lose more for at least a year... when I'm done losing i may go for a consult with a plastic surgeon, and talk about what I may do in the future if I keep my weight steady/don't see a significant change naturally. I can make saving up for that procedure my motivation to maintain. Each month I succeed at staying within my goal weight I will put in a certain amount of money to the savings for that or something.

I also bought a necklace picked out about a month ago as a reward for reaching GW5, as I am now under 145. I will only wear it when I am under 145. I may lower the weight limit each time i lose another 5 lbs until 135. So... <135 = necklace. <125 = money into surgery pot... idk, we'll see.

Drank ~680 calories yesterday in orange juice. Burned 2193. so still at that 1500 deficit I've been shooting for during MC. I need to get back up to at least 2400 burned each day I think, but I'll work my way up to that over this week. Maybe... idk, I'm also thinking about just focusing on calorie deficit rather than overall burn goal... BUT, while I'm eating a more or less static diet, they end up being the same thing... so, maybe sticking with burn goal for losing is a good idea, and then figuring out what deficit I need to help my damaged metabolism NOT gain weight and using that as a guideline when having less of a routine (if I ever do) would be a better idea.... hmmm. So much to figure out...

I did a losertown estimation July first... and I'm basically on schedule. When I did it again yesterday... well, here it is!

If it's true, I'll achieve my GW by my goal date even eating 700 calories, and I don't plan to do that... <600 is what it will be except maybe 2-3 days when I eat out. So.... that's good. But, I'll need to up my calorie burn to make it come true... so yeah, 2400 a day at least... maybe back to 2500. idk tho. We'll see how I feel by Wednesday. I'm going to try and up my calorie burn by 50 each day... so

Friday: 2250
Saturday: 2300
Sunday: 2350
Monday: 2400
Tuesday: 2450
Wednesday: 2500

yep... that's the plan for today! Time to go take an hour walk. Then cook soup for tomorrow. So much to do... so little time!
8/11/2011 11:38:00 PM

Day 10 - Relief

The main feeling i had throughout the day was one of relief. I was relieved I had done it for the whole 10 days, relieved that I wouldn't have to drink another glass of lemonade after ## more for the day, relieved that I only had one really bad day...

I went shopping for ease out supplies, and felt a bit overwhelmed by all the choices... I also felt disgusted by some things like meat... but I cannot go vegan or vegetarian yet, I'm too scared of carb heavy diets over long term and low-carb on vegetarian is too tofu/fat heavy for my liking. Maybe in a year or two... I do think I will try to have a few vegetarian DAYS in my weekly schedule once I'm maintaining though, but I will have to get over the meat disgust by the end of this week. It's not that I have anything against a plant based diet but our bodies are clearly made to eat animal products as well, and I don't want to lose that ability. (Teeth would be different if we weren't meant to be omnivores).

Being this restrictive has also sent me further into the ED I think... The control part of it. The idea of eating out is absolutely terrifying atm... which also needs to be overcome. I need to be able to eat out for my birthday, which isn't too far off... and I will be eating out a lot when I go on vacation in 2 months... Also I may meet with some friends later this month, which will surely involve eating out. I think I'll need to just PLAN very well. Research the menu first, and come up with a strategy on how to keep the calories right... It's just... god, the fact that even packaged goods aren't measured correctly (not sure if I wrote about this before... During ease in I bought some raw 'bread'. It said it had 2 servings in a package, but it actually had 2.6.... that was almost 100 extra calories!) makes me really worry about the accuracy of online nutrition profiles for restaurant food.I doubt they actually measure anything with any precision. I'll have to come up with a rule like 'Eat 1/3 of the meal and count the calories as if it were 1/2 of the meal" or something... *sigh*

I was told by someone today that they wanted to make me go eat a steak, and felt they needed to weigh me down or I'd blow away in the wind. I can't possibly be *that* thin yet... I know I'm smaller, I simply can't deny that. But... my hips are still so wide, my thighs are still so thick... and I'm still at a mid-ranged healthy weight. Why then do people think I look so frail? "Too Thin". I wonder if I look that way to people who don't know me... who don't know what I looked like before. Or if it's only something people who knew the fat me see. Hmmm
8/10/2011 10:42:00 PM

Day 9 - Winding down

I didn't do much. Took a walk that was interrupted by rain :( Saw a card reader who kinda freaked me out... tried to study some. I only took in 5 glasses, so 500 calories. Burned enough to get over a 1500 deficit, and started thinking a bit more about what I want my first few meals to be. I also measured. I've lost at least 1/2 inch around my waist. Will do final measurements and all tomorrow :3

I'm really hoping I've lost another 2 lbs. I'd like to get my GW5 reward/hit GW5 (which is reward enough on it's own). Here's hoping!
8/09/2011 10:50:00 AM

Day 8 - have verbally committed to someone else to stop at day 10

Well, someone asked me what day I was at and I felt that they might have been keeping track so I didn't lie, which would have been my only way to really continue it longer... so 10 days it will be. I'm ok with it for a few reasons...

The first is 10 days alone is challenging, and I've done it 95% right (not SWF/Lax every day b/c honestly... the lemonade acts like a lax for me now... I generally have to go 45-60 min after drinking it unless I haven't laxed for 3 days... and I can't make myself do something that will make it impossible for water to enter my system for DAYS on end, so I've been sort of every other daying it recently).

Also, the weightloss rate isn't any higher than it was on my protien based diet, which was absolutely better for my muscle mass and stuff. The only thing this is better for is my bone mass probably... but even that is likely to be suffering b/c there is so little calcium involved (vit D is easy to get as I walk outside a lot).

My tongue coating, one of the signs of detoxing, is far less thick and less yellow than it was during the first half, so I think my body has successfully detoxed a lot if that is truly an indication of detoxing. Basically... at this point it would be just a way to continue losing weight, and as said above, I already have a different way which is equally if not more successful than this for me.

It will make my Thursday weigh in line up perfectly with the last day of the Lemonade portion of the MC, which makes me OCD happy.

If I decide to do this again in a year or two I may go longer, because hey... why not? But if I do do that, I want it to be when I'm not focusing as much on losing so I can spend more time listening to my body and less time worrying about minimum calorie burn because I know I've pushed myself to exercise on occasions I probably shouldn't have if I really wanted to do the MC for the 'proper' reasons.

Oh, also... added an extra teaspoon of salt to SWF yesterday (so 1 tbsp total) and it kicked in a bit earlier, but still took hours to completely finish... I'm not sure if this is b/c of the effect the lax seems to be having on me though, which makes any liquid I drink in large quantity act almost like a SWF.... which is another reason I think it's time to end this. If I do this again in the future I will probably use a much milder tea than what I have been. It's all about finding the right combo for your body I suppose.

Today I will start making my ease out plan. Tentatively it will be something like this....

Thursday: Orange Juice  - up to 800c
Friday: Juice (bottled unfortunately. No juicer. But 100% natural and/or organic [some Naked brand, some Organic]) up to 700c
Saturday: Vegetable Soups with maybe an apple, orange (if any left from juicing) or pear at breakfast - up to 700c
Sunday: Raw fruit/veg + seeds/nuts for protien/fiber/EFA - up to 700c
Monday: Raw fruit/veg + seeds/nuts for protien/fiber/EFA - up to 700c
Tuesday: Raw Fruit/Veg + egg whites for protien - up to 600c
Wednesday: Cooked Veg + normal breakfast (egg whites, kale/collards, oat bran) - up to 600c
Thursday:  Normal diet (Fish/Chicken + cooked or raw veg for dinner/lunch, breakfast above) - up to 600c

I know this probably sounds really lame considering I've just done a cleanse to get rid of chemicals and stuff, but if I'm honest it was mostly about losing weight and changing things up so my body doesn't slow down on my normal routine... but anyway... I'll probably start an ECA stack on the Friday following the last day I listed there (want to make sure I'm not adding something to my first day of 100% normalcy b/c the chicken might bother my stomach).

If possible, I'd really like to be 135 by the end of this month... it would put me within reach of GW6 by Sept 21st, which will mark 6 months of restriction... and how awesome would that be? to have achieved all the goals I set out on the first day of spring in half a year... just the thought gives me shivers!
8/08/2011 11:14:00 AM

Day 7 - I know I can make it the whole 10 days...

--- and am wondering if I can/should sneak in a few more...

Day 7 went well. I still have most of 1 pint of maple syrup left too, so I feel like it would be reasonable to say "Oh, well, I still have some left, so I'm just going to extend it a few more days." at the same time, I do worry a little bit about vitamins/minerals... so maybe I shouldn't. Hmmm...

Was down to 147 when I weighed in today. Finally a loss that reflects on all parts of my scale, not just deep analysis. Only down 1 lb of fat though, so the rest was probably water (which I had gained during last weigh in). I hate water :( At least there is some result though... .5 a day, about the same as usual. I hope I am 145 by the end of this, will be able to get next reward if it stays that way for 1 week after (worried about regaining some once on solids again...)

Today is my day off. No big plans, as the weather is supposed to be crappy. I made up calories I didn't burn on day 5/6 yesterday, so at least that is good. Now I just have to keep myself ahead =]
8/07/2011 09:04:00 AM

Day 6 - Not much to report

Felt much much better yesterday. My body seems to be more or less back to normal so I decided to resume laxative tea drinking at night, and was planning on doing a SWF this morning (Day 7) but didn't b/c i didn't wake up early enough to be sure to be done. Will do so tomorrow... anyway, yesterday I felt a little weak... and kinda like I was floating, but not bad. Just, light like many people feel when they fast.

I didn't reach my burn target of 2100 yesterday or on Day 5, but allowed it because I had been soooooo raw day 5 and didn't want to have to pull out of the cleanse early. I missed the burn goal by ~50c each day... I will make up for that today.
8/06/2011 07:38:00 AM

Day 5 - Health Crisis 1 or severe electrolyte deficiency...?

At the end of Day 4, when I drank my last two glasses of lemonade I felt kinda sick after each one 1 hr later and had to use the restroom... So, when I woke up in the morning and felt tired/cranky/unwell, I really just couldn't get myself out of bed to make a new batch of lemonade... I didn't have to do the SWF, things just moved naturally. And basically, for 5 hrs from waking up, I didn't move/get out of bed until I had a splitting headache. Finally, around noon, I forced myself up and had my first glass of lemonade, which made me feel worlds better. I decided to go out to the beach, hadn't been in years, and walk around some to burn calories b/c I felt that if I stayed home all I would do is lay in bed.

I made lemonade concentrate, which isn't as good as fresh lemonade but the only 'acceptable' way to travel with the stuff pre-made, and went to the beach town. Upon arrival it was time for another glass, but this time within about 45min-1hr I suddenly had to go AGAIN... this happened basically after the next 2 glasses of lemonade too... Anyway, I sunbathed for 20 minutes and walked around for about 2.5 hrs and then decided it was time to go home. On the way back when I got gas I started to feel kinda ill again, and the headache I'd had all day got a bit worse again (like it was in the morning).

By the time I got home I felt really ill, and like... had to blow my nose and stuff... idk, it was like having the flu. My ear pressure was all off etc. The last two glasses caused me to gag while drinking... but everything *inside* seemed to be working right again, at least that was good. Anyway, yesterday had me thinking I might have to abandon the MC early, because what I was experiencing isn't something I've read about before. This morning I feel much better though. Still have yet to have my first glass, but will shortly. If the rest of the day goes well I'll not end early.

I'm considering taking a vitamin/some potassium supplements because while cleansers say it is normal to experience a health crisis like this... it could also be due to a severe electrolyte imbalance, which wouldn't be surprising because while many of the vital nutrients ARE present in the lemonade, they aren't present in adequate amounts... taking supplements is forbidden on the cleanse, but frankly... if it allows me to continue, that is surely better than quitting early?

It also could have been sun/heat stroke. I don't generally spend that much time outside. Anyway... we'll see. One day at a time I guess :3 
8/05/2011 11:14:00 AM

Size 4

This is actually where I think I want to be... well, if I can look like them anyway! they are all outfits I could see myself wanting for fall this year :3 or at least parts of them.

love this skirt!

I think this is my favorite of all
8/05/2011 10:05:00 AM

Day 4 - 7 mile walks are good!

...People suggesting you might have a problem are bad....

I only had 5 cups yesterday. Timing was kinda thrown off by a long walk I took in the afternoon and I didn't want to sleep on a glass of lemonade because in the evening they started giving me some tummy issues... I figure it's all the pepper lol.... I went for a walk, with an initial goal of burning 600 calories, but when I got to the 300 mark (time to turn around) I was in an odd place in the road that would be hard for me to find on google maps so I decided to continue to the next intersection so that I could figure out how far I had gone. Anyway, my deficit was over 1800 yesterday. Yippie, that is more like what I like to see on a daily basis...

One thing the MC is doing for me, and I'm not sure if it's good or not, is making me focus more on calories burned than any of the other activity stats I generally track (minutes moderate/vigorous activity... steps.... etc) I wonder if I should carry this on when I stop, or go back to making sure all goals are met. Hmmm... I mean, the most important one for loss is calories... but for health, the activity times are good to track, and if i track steps it will make me try to be more active during my workday... so idk, probably best to go back as I was. I may lower my burn goal to 2400 from 2500 though... not sure. Hmmm.

In other news, I got two comments from two people that make me worry about being discovered. I hate that COE/BED is something you can be blatant about... at least in the USA... since so many people engage in those behaviors at least sometimes, but restriction has to be hidden... and how losing weight to a point is admirable, but once people realize you want to lose more than what they think is "ideal" for you, it becomes something they can criticize. At least I'll get a meeting with a nutritionist out of one of these people's comments if I want one... which I may do once I reach GW6. They can tell me my REAL BMR which would be awesome to know... and maybe help me make a maintenance plan because I do want to stay at 125 for a while... I need to let my body relearn it's max size... and give it a break too so that if I do choose to lose in the future, it won't be so hard...
8/04/2011 02:41:00 PM

week 19 Weigh in and Summary

Disappointing... it's the only word I can use to describe this week. or well, the last three days anyway. Monday I was 150.0 today I am 150.8... BUT, the gain is from water (shows up in muscle mass gain, but it will be b/c of glycogen so I'm sure I'll lose that as soon as I go back to low-carbing it). All I can say is thank goodness for my BIA scales... I'd be freaking now if not for them.

Weight: 150.8 (+.2)
BF%:    22% (-1.4%, -2.0644 lbs fat)
Muscle: 54 lbs (+2.7)

So... if it weren't for the muscle gain, I'd actually be at -5 or so... This muscle gain cannot be real... so like I said before, I'm sure it will come off when this is over. Hopefully now that I'm all hydrated the scale will actually start going down too. Hmmm...

Notes: on MC I am focusing on deficit rather than calories burned total per day... as long as it's 1500 I'm ok with it. Also, while wanting to keep my step count up I am not going to force it. Same with exercise. If I get 2100 calories burned and don't have time to do more I'm making myself be ok with it as I am spending so much time unable to exercise due to the flushing each day...
8/04/2011 02:32:00 PM

Day 3 - Verdict.... SWF >>>>>>>>>> Senna tea in the morning

Well, this should conclude the bathroom bit of this part of my journey or at least the journal entries about it... back to back too! good lord.... how I hate poo :(

In light of what happened on Day 2 coupled with the fact that I wanted to sleep more than 5 hrs... I decided to have senna tea in the morning rather than SWF. This was a mistake I think, in hindsight... at least with SWF the time taken up with the restroom is compacted into one relatively predictable period... with Senna, and I would imagine normal laxatives as well, it is spread out over hours and there is little warning... There was a good 4-5 hr period from early afternoon on where I'd need to go to the bathroom once an hour...

Now... as I said above, I don't generally use anything to help with this sort of thing, so idk... maybe it's different when you are full of food but when you are virtually empty I can see a number of benefits the SWF gives which makes it make a lot more sense as to why it is part of the MC.

1. It adds volume.... MC is all about getting toxins out, and whether it does or not... idk, but the fact is our body does use the bowels to dispose of all sorts of waste. Usually fiber/food picks up these other sources of waste along the way down and out.... but if you aren't taking in any bulk, it makes expelling that waste a lot harder... unless you use water, which can only be done at the right salinity.

2. cuts down the cayenne... This may sound funny... I mean, here I am doing a MC but I'm about to criticize people who try and educate others about it... one of the things they warn about is uncomfortably warm movements... and that it has to do with the detox. B.S. The reason for the "warmth" is the cayenne... the oil from hot peppers is actually able to BURN skin, so is it any wonder there is some heat involved? no.... SWF helps mitigate that a little bit, b/c again... it's adding volume/diluting the pepper so to speak...

3. Makes things more predictable. (as much as it can be anyway). It speeds the whole Senna process along... you might be occupied for 2-3 hrs after drinking the water, but that's it... no surprises after. 

Anyway, everybody's body is different... there is no way to know what would work best for a specific individual before they try it, but I can say this... SWF works better for me.
8/03/2011 11:53:00 PM

Day 2 - SWF issues...

Oh dear... well, we knew this post would have to come eventually. Fair warning though, it's very much a TMI post. If this weren't a time period dedicated to the Master Cleanse I wouldn't be so forthcoming but in case any future cleansers are reading this, I feel I should share... So... Did the SWF... spent 2~2.5 hrs waiting for it to finish and then I think "Ok... that should be about it, time to go for a walk!" Well... happily, I had had the foresight to expect at least a little... leakage, so nothing disastrous happened before I could find an appropriate place to answer natures call but basically as soon as I stepped outside, the true last movement decided to... well move.

The worst part about this is I nearly got caught by my roommates who were in the process if taking out the trash with my workout pants down while I was running to the dumpster to dispose of the tissues I had used to clean up... OMG... most shameful moment ever. I packed a bunch of tissues in the bag I use to carry my water bottles, and bravely went on my walk. I only did 1 hr, as I was worried about getting to work on time and stuff. Thankfully nothing else happened while I was out... but this made me realize I will have to be more strict with myself about the time I allow.

Also, it took 2.75 hrs to finish... that is SO much longer than ANYTHING else I've read. I've even been laying on my right side massaging my gut to try and speed things along so... I'm done with that now. I'm going to spend the time waiting for the SWF to kick in cleaning/doing laundry/other household chores that will not bring me too far from the bathroom because honestly... I don't have 2 hrs to spend on my side waiting... and it all seems to speed up when I'm standing anyway. That said, the laying on the side thing may work for YOU, so give it a shot... it just clearly isn't helping me in anyway (or at least, I don't think it is... we'll see once I try moving about).

Anyway... moral of the story:

-maxi-pads may not be a bad idea when doing a SWF. Especially your first few times while you are still learning how your body will react.
-wait at least 15 minutes after what you think is your last expulsion before you decide to move on with your day.
-have a spare set of... well... everything involved with your derriere at the ready.

The rest of the day was fairly un-eventful. Had 6 PROPER glasses of lemonade. burned my daily goal. The flavor isn't bothering me as much, which is good....

Had a friend of the family who is a nurse try and tell me I might turn myself diabetic by doing this because it will stress my pancreas out. This is absolute BS...  and I was pretty pissed at the suggestion when I got it, though I didn't have the ammo below to counter it with at the time! Glucose is Glucose.... and while maple sugar has a moderately high GI (54) it is under that magic '60' that is considered really unhealthy... and it has all the nutrients in it that most other sugars don't (when it isn't super refined anyway... Grade B/Dark Amber or lower)... so, bah!

Myth: Eating too much sugar causes diabetes.

Fact: No, it does not.  Type 1 diabetes is caused by genetics and unknown factors that trigger the onset of the disease; type 2 diabetes is caused by genetics and lifestyle factors.  Being overweight does increase your risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and a diet high in calories, whether from sugar or from fat, can contribute to weight gain.  If you have a history of diabetes in your family, eating a healthy meal plan and regular exercise are recommended to manage your weight.

Oh, I guess the only other thing worth mentioning is I haven't worn makeup since the 2nd day of the ease in... this is *very* unusual for me, and I hate my face without it... but I feel like I should be avoiding chemicals anywhere I can if I really want to say this is more than a desperate ploy to lose weight (which... idk, I'd like it to be more than that if it can be!). Like... I even got all natural, non-fluoride toothpaste just for this... hope it's worth it!
8/02/2011 08:46:00 AM

not all hot peppers are created equal

Yesterday was the first real day of MC. It was going really well until I thought "you know, these drinks taste really smokey" and realized I had gotten Chipolte pepper instead of cayenne lol... 4 glasses of fake MC lemonade, only one real. I didn't have all 6 (min) your supposed to because I figured there was no point in having another one that wasn't even real. In my defense... spices are listed alphabetically, so I probably found the cayenne and then picked up the chipolte by accident b/c they were in close proximity to each other. Still... it's mortifying D:

The sad thing... The chipolte lemonade tasted better b/c the smoke sort of combated some of the sweetness. Oh well. The cayenne pepper I got is "all natural" but not organic :( still, it was 4.50 US so I'm struggling with deciding whether I should go get organic stuff and throw the rest of this bottle out or not... ugh. Throwing out extra food is one thing, but tossing 4.48 worth of pepper (I barely used any since it's so little per drink :p) is kinda painful... especially when I've already spent so much on this cleanse, and will spend more....

A number of the girls doing this with me posted pictures on FB and they all look so fabulous! I'm the biggest one of the bunch :( I posted some too, but it makes me ill to see myself compared to them. Ah well, all the more motivation to keep up with this and the rest of my weight-loss efforts.

SWF took longer yesterday than I expected. About 2 hrs before I could really be safe to go out and about. Got to bed really late too b/c had to stay late at work and shop for more water/the right pepper on the way home. My plan on paper looks so nice (getting up at 6 am) but it's much harder to actually do :( I'll need to tomorrow and Thursday though. I have early appointments both days and cannot be under the influence of the SWF for them. Thursday should be easier than tomorrow as I will be getting home early so going to bed early will be possible. Ah well, we'll see how today goes.
8/01/2011 09:31:00 AM

Days 2 and 3 of Ease In

Ok so...while I'm waiting for the last rumbles from my first SWF to pass... let me update you all :D Here are copies and pastes from my EF/AF journals about the MC. Also... I forgot to say that one of the things I've done ot remove clutter from my life is (on 1st day of ease in...) finally donate all the clothing I had separated out a month or so ago as things I'd never ever be able to wear again. I need to do that again... I've found more. BUT that was 2 trashbags full of clothing... that has to be progress, right?

Ease in Day 2 - Juicing

I couldn't bring myself to buy a juicer just for this... so I bought 3 bottles of 100% Juice. 2 of them were organic. Both had purees and stuff in them too, so there was some fiber.

One was Carrot, Beat, Celery and lime. Another was Banana, Apple, Strawberry, Raspberry, Blackberry and the final was idk... all kinds of crazy stuff. It had kelp, spinichula... mango, peach etc in it. One of those green super-food juices. Total intake from them was about 687 - A bit less b/c I didn't wash out the bottles so some of it is still in there :3

I drank about 4 oz every hour-hour and a half... so I kept on being surprised by how much was left towards the end of the day... I was sure I'd be close to empty. I ended up drinking about 8oz worth on my way back home b/c driving always makes me tired anyway... and I was drifting a little bit :( This is the one thing I am worried about during the cleanse... Commuting may become quite dangerous D: I wish I lived somewhere with public transport. IT would mean more walk AND less danger... ah well.

Made calorie burn goal and step goal. So far so good on the exercise front. Other than that, nothing much to report...

Time to go make Orange juice out of 8 lbs of oranges... *not excited*

Morning Ladies!

I'm off to a late start :( Got to bed late last night too though... and I'm closing today so I suppose it's *ok* but tomorrow has to be better.... earlier...

Since today is the first day of the actual cleanse, I weighed in and took my BF and stuff... here are the stats!

150.0 (-100 from high weight!)
BF: 22.4% (33.9 lbs, -1.3404 since Thursday)
Muscle: 52.6 (+1.1 since Thursday)
Bone: 7.7 (this is down... i wonder what a good bone weight is for my height :( )

Now... there is NO WAY I actually gained 1.1 lbs of muscle in three days b/c I haven't been doing weight training so I'm guessing this is a water/glycogen gain since I generally eat <40 carbs a day which puts you into ketosis. Hmmm... Anyway, it will be interesting to see what happens in the next 5 days.

Downed the SWF about 15 minutes ago, and am wondering if it is going to work >.> It didn't taste nearly as salty as it did the first time I tried, but I've also purchased a better quality salt... Still, I'm concerned I'll just absorb it all :(

I went for the 2 tsp the original book calls for, but if it doesn't work out right today I'll up it to 1 tbsp. I didn't think I could do it if it were salty as salty as the last time, but with this salt it should be better. I used purified water for this, and downed it in about 5 minutes... less than actually. Anyway... enough about today!

Ease In day 3

Got up at 7... so 1 hr late :( I had time to do everything but morning exercise though. I had purchased 8lbs of juicing oranges and made about 1 liter of orange juice. It was surprisingly fast to squeeze it, I thought it would take ages but only 15 minutes. Throughout the day I drank as I needed energy, and I also had 2 cups of herbal tea to help warm me up b/c the AC at work is WAY too high... Like, I get it that EDed individuals often get cold easy, but my coworkers complain about it too so I don't think it's that... I had a whole quart of OJ left when I finished work... went to whole foods to pick up lemons...

I took two sips from the quart so that I wouldn't fall asleep on my car-ride back. When got home, I measured the rest of what was in that quart jug, and then threw it out! It was a waste... but I would have taken in 200 or so unnecessary calories if I had drank it.

Totals for yesterday:

Roughly 650 calories in (a bit less)
2230 calories out
Deficit: 1580
7/30/2011 10:59:00 PM

Day 1 - Ease In

So... this is copied and pasted from another journal.... Read below and you'll understand why, but basically, I need to limit my internet time so I'm not sure if any of my journals will really have content spesific to them other than replies to people's comments for a while... Oh Well!!

Blue will indicate a comment I've added in while editing to make sure it makes sense... so at least that will be new lol >.<


Time management, I think, will be the biggest challenge for me during this cleanse... specifically the timing of the SWF. So... Today I've solidified a plan because... well, I spend about 11 hrs a day at work/commuting between work and home... which only leaves 5 waking hours if I want to properly sleep 8, which I think I should at least give myself the chance to do while on the MC.... so I need to make sure I'm doing everything right.

My biggest time sinks are the internet and exercise. Of the two, only the internet can really be cut back on SO.... my plan as follows:

9:50 PM - Senna Tea
10 pm - bed
6 am - wake and drink SWF
6-7am internet time/wait for SWF
7-7:45 or 8 - walk
8 am- First glass of lemonade/leave for work if I am opening.
11am - 2nd glass
2 pm - 3rd glass
5 pm - 4th glass
8 pm - 5th glass

*6th glass will be drank during commute back home to help me stay awake. I always get sleepy when I drive D:
*My goal is to have a daily deficit of 1500 calories, I cannot be on the internet or engage in any other leisure activity I like until I've met that goal.
*I will spend lunch breaks walking to help meet the goal :P

So... from now on, in the morning, I will update how the previous day went. In that vein!

Ease in Day 1


* 156.0 Grams Apple 81c
* 165.0 Grams Blackberries 71c
* 56.0 Grams Rawganic Sun-Flax Raisin "Bread" 105c
Total: 257c

After AM workout:

* 85.0 Grams DOLE Baby Spinach Leaves 20c
* 85.0 Grams Kiwi Fruit 52c
Total: 72c


* 180.0 Grams Broccoli 61c
* 175.0 Grams Carrots, Baby 61c
* 60.0 Grams DOLE Baby Spinach Leaves 14c
* 118.0 Grams Tomato, Cherry, Fresh 21c
Total: 158

Pre-Workout Snack:

* 20.0 Grams Onions, Red, Sliced 8c
* 90.0 Grams Pepper, Bell or Sweet 13c
* 91.0 Grams Rawganic Sun-Flax Raisin "Bread" 171c
* 64.0 Grams Tomato, Cherry, Fresh 12c
Total: 204


* 125.0 Grams Broccoli 43c
* 131.0 Grams Cauliflower, Chopped 33c
* 77.0 Grams DOLE Baby Spinach Leaves 18c
* 51.0 Grams Onions, Red, Sliced 21c
* 155.0 Grams Pepper, Bell or Sweet 22c
* 88.0 Grams Tomato, Cherry, Fresh 16c
Total: 153

Day's Total in: 843
Total out: 2453
Deficit: 1609

Not bad... I could have saved myself some major grief on the treadmill at night if I hadn't had the damned rawganic bread replacement thingy, but I was curious (it was good... tasted like buttered raisin toast...). Sometimes I think "it would be cool to be vegan/raw." and since I was in a health-food store to get all that stuff AND it is technically a living food, which is what the first day is all about... all raw living foods, I figured eating just one serving (the one I had at breakfast) wouldn't be bad. Of course... throughout the day, as I went shopping for other supplies at a proper whole foods market and stuff, the fact that today was my last day of solids for a while, and that I'd have to throw out the other serving wore on the COE part of my brain... so I rationalized another 105 calories....

Which would have been fine! Not ideal, but fine... BUT, the package was wrong about how many servings were in there... It is supposed to only have 4 oz total but it had more than 5! WTF. And... I couldn't bring myself to throwing it away, so I ate it too. *fatass*

Now... idk if the MC really works... like, if it really peels away at layers of scum and toxins in your body... but it will certainly peel away at some of the waste (fat)... and even if it doesn't do all of the other cleansing things it's supposed to... I want to use it as a way to cleanse my mind of stupid habits. I hope that it will be a time of introspection... if I can lose some weight and some things that weigh me down mentally, it will be a major success... so... Lesson one....

EATING SOMETHING YOU DON'T NEED IS JUST AS WASTEFUL AS THROWING IT OUT.... AND more shameful, because it will show for the world to see.

I mean, seriously... idk how many of you feel this way, but if it's on my plate... I have always felt obligated to finish it because it's "wasteful" to throw it out... but if it's more than your body needs... how is that not a waste as well? I remember my ex one said when he was a kid his parents told him to finish his meal b/c there were starving kids in Africa, and he replied "Then send them my leftovers!" So true! Me being a pig and eating the excess food doesn't help anyone at all. WASTE.

So... Objective #1 is to stop being a gluttonous, wasteful person... Prepare/buy only what I need and will use within the allotted time... and leave the rest behind!

In other fronts... I told my mother I was doing this and she kinda flipped. But I talked her down from it, and it's ok. However, I think it will limit my length to (max) 14 days b/c while I think I could sneak in another 4... adding another week to that would certainly not go unnoticed. Ah well... let's get through 10 first, eh?

Also... I want to spend at least 1 hr studying each day... and 30min-1hr cleaning my life out of physical clutter too... Let this be 2 weeks of self-improvement and simplification!
7/28/2011 10:12:00 AM

week 18 weigh in and summary

Well... plateau seems to be over for now. Thank goodness.

Overall Weight: 150.6 (-2.8 lbs)
BF%: 23.4 (-2.65 lbs)
Muscle Weight: 51.1 (.4 gain)

It would have been so cool to have a loss large enough to break into a new decade but that's ok! Mini goals for MC....
  • be 149.8 before first day of lemonade (-.2 lbs per day is doable, right?)
  • be <145 by end of ease out (13-17 days to lose 5 lbs is doable, right?)
will post summary if intake/burn later.

Love you all :D
7/28/2011 01:19:00 AM

Lead up to Master Cleanse (Ease in Plans... and jitters)

So... Friday is it! Friday I start my ease in, and a 16 (potentially 20) day journey to... idk... different eating I guess? I'm not sure how I feel about it... I hate hate hate the idea of laxing every day... but I'll do it. I am scared that so many carbs will cause a gain (a big one...) but I'm going to try it. This is my biggest fear... the inspiration to try this is that girl who went from 30% to 12% BF in 40 days... but she probably ate like a normal person before the cleanse... you know, grains and stuff?

I don't. My body is generally in a constant state of mild ketosis... and well, the loss slow down is probably b/c my body is used to what I've been doing, so on that front I think this cleanse will be great... b/c it will really change up what's going into my system, but on the other hand... sugars.... so much sugar... but... well, I'm going to do it at least 10 days baring a huge gain (like 4 lbs?) after the first 5 days... (omg if I gain that much idk what I'll do).

Anyway... here is my plan. It is 66% following the rules... maybe more. The only place I am failing is that i don't have the money for a juicer, so day 2 will be maybe a 50% compliance.

Day 1:
800-1000 calories of veg/fruits. Not sure exactly of how much of what I'll have but I'm thinking something along the lines of...

exact numbers will be unknown until I actually buy stuff (tomorrow morning). I am going to try and get as much of this pre-cut/washed etc as I can... so like, party platters and all. Less work = better

Day 2:

I don't have a juicer, or the money for one. SOOO I'll be drinking 3-4 bottles of Naked 100% Juice Smoothies diluted with water. I know that it isn't fresh, and therefore isn't as good, but it's liquid... and plant based, so it's gotta be *alright* evne if it isn't idea.

Day 3: 2 liters of fresh squeezed OJ. Not sure how many oranges that will take :(

All of these should be <1200.... most are < 1000

Another thing with MC... not sure what to do for exercise or how much of a calore deficit I should allow... perhaps play it by ear? hmmm....