6/28/2011 01:28:00 PM

Today's Weigh In

Well, I'm not as happy as this girl here, but before going down to do SW flush I decided to weigh in and check where I was at for comparisons sake, and I'm back to 164.6 so... I didn't do it :x I will, on July 1st (first day of liquid protien fast)...

I figured why do it now, when I'm just going to fill up on food again in a few hours? Might as well make my final weigh in for fast/the competition I'm doing be more or less truly empty (will be eating oat bran again to help stave cravings perhaps... not sure. Haven't the past two days b/c I just couldn't deal with the volume!)

Promise: I will not wuss out Friday morning... I will do the SW Flush!
6/28/2011 05:15:00 AM

Redheads <3

Can't get back to sleep... and it's been a while.

generally I prefer Naturalish shades but
I like this cut/color a lot on her anyway!

6/28/2011 04:08:00 AM

Pinky Swear

As a follow up to the post from last night...

1. Will I sleep through the night lol? (only time will tell...)

I think I did. I haven't looked at the actual sleep log on my fit, but I don't remember waking up often...

2. Is using a natural supplement just a way for me to deny that I am starting to abuse laxies (and other diet aids like Energy drinks etc)? I mean... I don't actually *need* any help this time, I just used it to meet a certain time table.
Yes, it was (past tense!). I won't stop with the diet pills,or the tea per say... but I will only use things as they are intended to be used... (ie... diet pills are intended to be used daily. so that's ok! Stimulant laxatives, even if "herbal", are only intended to be used when you are backed up....). The only exception I can think of is an ECA stack... since they only way I can get the ingredients is through other medications.

3. Am I blurring the lines I've drawn a bit too much?

For some things yes, other things... tbh... I don't really care.

4. How different is hypothetically allowing something to happen from making it happen?  
It's different, but it isn't really better. That said, I really don't see that situation happening really, so I'm not too worried about it.

I was up more today :( and during part of my shift where I was the only person in the store the senna kicked in... so I had to shut it for a few minutes to uh... take care of business. and there was a lot to take care of so... I'm telling myself that the weight HAS to be water/food that hasn't passed all the way yet.... I really hope so, because like I said, I feel smaller (Just a bit).

Tomorrow I will do a SW Flush to clear out everything and weigh in just to be sure... (Blurry lines? Maybe... but there isn't a stimulant involved which is what causes IBS or many of the other associated probelms, right? right... )  I kinda feel I deserve the discomfort and all... I have also allowed myself to stop eatting the bran because I just couldn't make myself do it after the gain....

Anyway, the point of this post was to promise that I'd be as safe as I can be, and use things only for the reason they are meant to be used...


6/27/2011 07:12:00 AM

Waiting... and running out of time :x

Anonymous said:
Hi!!! I read your blog every other day or so :) xxx

Ah! Thanks for letting me know <3 

Tea still hasn't kicked in and I'm running out of time :( Sux... will probably spend 15-20 minutes at work paying for it, which would be fine except it won't help my weigh in!!!


6/27/2011 01:57:00 AM

Blurry lines

So... It's quite late :( I should be asleep but I had to wait until enough of the water I drank while working out was out of my system to make sure that my double dose of Senna tea would be potent enough to twist my bowels around tomorrow morning when I wake up... and it got me thinking along the lines of this post... how odd it is that I (at this point anyway) would NEVER consider taking OTC, chemical based laxative pills but I didn't blink when I decided to make sure I'd be empty tomorrow for my weigh in... knowing that would involve drinking an herbal laxative.

In a similar vain... I do not make myself purge. I kinda hate vomiting and never was able to trigger my gag reflex the few times I did try when I was younger... BUT, if I got sick and felt as if I was going to throw up... depending on how my day was, I might actually try to help it along by coughing or whatever rather than fight it.

Also... I wouldn't let myself take diet pills the last few days because I was worried they were causing a reaction in my thyroid (will test it out tomorrow if I don't spend my whole morning in the bathroom X[ ), but today when I wanted to make sure I got a decent work out in, I didn't think twice about swigging down some energy drink which has similar ingredients in it (not entirely true... I did think twice, but it was more of a 'do I deserve to use something that will make this easier?' kinda thing... which I decided I did because I was able to front being energetic pretty well today even though I felt super super drained... had I failed to be spunky enough to pass for normal me I don't think I would have let myself have it as incentive to do better next time. After the recent comments, I've decided 'hiding out in the open' as a fat person crash-dieting isn't working out so well, so I gotta start just plan old... hiding.)

Sooo... the questions for today are...

1. Will I sleep through the night lol? (only time will tell...)
2. Is using a natural supplement just a way for me to deny that I am starting to abuse laxies (and other diet aids like Energy drinks etc)? I mean... I don't actually *need* any help this time, I just used it to meet a certain time table.
3. Am I blurring the lines I've drawn a bit too much?
4. How different is hypothetically allowing something to happen from making it happen? 

Hmmmm......... better get to bed before cramping starts! Really hopping for a loss btw... which is why I'm doing this. I felt smaller today, despite being bloated from all the food soo... *crosses fingers*
6/26/2011 07:49:00 AM

Daily Weigh Ins Part 2

It felt good going to bed hungry last night... though weird too, I haven't actually really felt *hungry* more than 2-3x in the last 2 months... like, the rumble in your tummy kind... ah well. Anyway!

With this whole 1200 (ish) calories a day thing, I am weighing in every day again. Today and Yesterday I was up to 165.4 which is a .8 gain, but I am sure that it is mostly from water/other unpleasant things that aren't moving through my body 100% each day.(Donno if I could be so positive if it were more than say... 1.5 lbs, but, .8 seems manageable).

Tomorrow is an actual official weigh in day... so I may have to do a few things to make sure I'm empty before the weigh in... Thinking Senna tea (x2) and if I feel there is something left... an enema... which horrifies me, but so does the prospect of having to officially mark down a gain. ;(

I hate this week... (she says as she goes downstairs to stuff her face with breakfast...)
6/25/2011 10:44:00 PM

I was bad today

It's funny... food wise things were looking up. No freak out at breakfast, I was able to eat it all more or less in a normal time frame too. Made myself eat both snacks and lunch even though I was totally not hungry even a little bit just to make it so I could eat dinner at a reasonable time... and, well...

I didn't. 8 pm came around and I just couldn't make myself say "Hey guys, I need another break to eat, be back in 10..." around 7 I started thinking "All I've done... ALL DAY... is eat I feel like :( " and well, Couldn't bring myself to do it again so... in about 5 minutes I will run to burn off the remaining 350ish cals I have to burn today to get to my target burn... and I will do my pilates workout, and I will go to bed, sans dinner.

Ah well! I am justifying it by saying that by being off plan by one meal today, I will be able to be on plan 100% tomorrow (which is true... ran out of chicken and got out of work too late to get that AND workout. And of course, working out >>>>>> eating ESPECIALLY during a hi-cal week!)

Update: Just made my burn... had to run for 7 intervals (was planning on only doing 6). Didn't let myself have any energy drinks... I'd like to say it's cuz I'm trying to be healthier, but I don't think that's the only reason. so tired... but still have pilates to do. 
6/25/2011 09:13:00 AM

Feeling like Abby :D

Thanks for the comments girls! They, along with a few other things have helped pick up my mood a lot and I'm feeling much more me and much less ED which makes me happy.

Anonymous said...
i accidentally found your blog because i was trying to look for recipes using green tea..i used to count my calorie intake but i stopped because i got tired...how do you count the calories you've burnt?

I've just made a FAQ to answer that question because a lot of people ask me about that or the charts I make =] In short, I have a device I wear all the time that counts for me, but the posts will show you more about how it works =] As for counting... I'll never be able to stop anyway... not unless I let BED back into my life, which will NOT happen.

But... to make it easier what I have done is cut down the variety of food I eat a lot. Learning what serving size of foods you commonly eat = how many calories and sort of making a list of exchangeable foods can certainly help... but if you can be happy without it, than please continue on as you are =] Calorie counting is time consuming no matter how you do it, and it's possible to be healthier without getting that detailed just by making smart choices =]

Dande said:
Well, that person super contradicted themself, didn't they? 'Concerned' about your weight loss and then claiming 'it doesn't show'... Yeah right, more like ENVIOUS of your weight loss, and then trying to say something discouraging because they're jealous and want you to fail, so they can continue kidding themselves that losing weight is really too hard to actually be achieved.

Snort. My mother does the same. Don't sweat over it, 44lbs is definitely noticeable, no matter what size you started out at! As proved by the fact they noticed! Don't let the haters bring you down girl.

Love, Dande x

Yes, well, kind of. They said it didn't show my face well which is where it's most noticeable... fair enough I guess, but it still was triggering as the one area I want need to shrink more than anything else is my hips/thighs... My face has always been thinner than the rest of my body... so I don't care that it's changed (as much anyway...) ugh- I hate being female sometimes :( Why can't the fat burn off more evenly D:?

Anyway, the person probably does have some emotions in play here but I don't think it's envy. She gave up on weight loss and choose food > most other things a long time ago. I think rather she may feel that my choice to be thin > most anything else (though she probably *hopefully* doesn't realize it's that strong a compulsion...) is a rejection/judgment of her.She's one of those FA, Healthy at any size kinda people... and I'm rejecting all of that, so I'm sure that's where some of it may come from.


The good: 
  • no gain despite eating SO FUCKING MUCH. Thank god. Not sure how today will be though. I haven't ... been to the restroom yet and can't weigh in until all the crap that went in yesterday (literally) comes back out...
  • I made myself do some things after work to make me smile that aren't sick... Like, I went and had some beautiful tea, and looked at some pretty jewelry. 
  • I purposefully didn't burn many calories after work UNTIL it was time to work out so that I could work hard and not feel like a lazy slob after it while still not exceeding my goals too much. It worked a little bit to elevate my mood... I wasn't happy about it during the downtime bits, but by the end of my work out things had evened out emotionally.
  • I had 2 cups of Oolong tea, but aside from that, no caffeine or other stimulants. I definitely felt the difference, but was able to function well... I'm proud of this, but won't keep it up for long I'm sure. 
My mega big lunch... Daunting to me now, it probably would have seemed really healthy and awesome not too long ago D:

334 calories (more than half what I usually eat in a DAY)...
more fat in one meal than I generally eat in one day D:
8 grams of fiber... so very filling.
Minus the sauce and cheese it would be what I eat daily but... those two UNNEEDED items make it what it is right now...
a calorie adding gut busting nightmare D:

    The ugly:
    • I nearly threw out half of my breakfast because it was too hard to eat... but instead I just waited a few minutes and made myself eat more... good job! But, ugly emotions.
    • I'd be lying if I said I cannot WAIT until THURSDAY when I won't have to eat all this... and I'm thinking about doing a water fast that day before starting my protien fast =X 

    Good outweighs ugly, so good day overall!
    6/24/2011 01:57:00 AM

    Sad Panda

    Feeling kinda shit the last few days... like, emotionally. Hate to be pathetic like this, but if there are people who come back and read from time to time, would you mind leaving comments just saying hi? I don't want to feel like I'm rambling to no one.

    Why down?

    - Trying some diet pills, but I think they might be messing with me.... throat kinda hurt a few times yesterday and today. Will stay off of them tomorrow and use them again on Saturday to see if it happens sat but not Friday.
    - This week is a high cal week, and eating that much... well, only at breakfast really, the rest of the day I was numb but.... I wanted to cry.
    - I guess it doesn't really matter because the loss was so awesome BUT I MADE MYSELF do an easy work out yesterday (and tonight for that matter) because I had already burned enough calories for the day, but needed to finish other goals... Felt super... super guilty and lazy :(
    -Three people have directly expressed concern over the speed with which I am losing weight. And yet one of them also said that it was unlikely it could be seen in a picture I sent a best friend recently... UGH. (REALLY? 44 lbs can't be seen? FML...)
    - I'm feeling very tempted to slip deeper in, because it would be easier... I wouldn't have to worry about silly things like diet pills ruining my thyroid gland, skimpy periods, trying to up metabolism naturally... (tho, if using diet pills, am I really?) etc.

    But... I gotta keep myself behind the wheel!
    6/23/2011 07:01:00 AM

    Week 13 Weigh in and Summary

    big week, but didn't feel much of anything when I got off the scales.... wonder why :(

    Weight: 164.6
    Weight Lost: 5.2 lbs
    Fat Lost: 1% point, 3.1695 lbs
    Muscle Lost: 1.4 lbs (not really caring...)

    Here's the link to week 12 for reference! 

    23-Jun change since start % lost total
    Bust 37.5 -0.5 -3.25 -7.98
    Waist 30.75 -0.25 -5.75 -15.75
    Hips 40.5 -1.5 -6 -12.9
    L.Arm 12.25 -0.75 -2.5 -16.95
    R.Arm 13.25 -0.25 -1.5 -10.17
    L.Thigh 24.5 -0.25 -2.75 -10.09
    R.Thigh 25 -0.75 -2.25 -8.26

    TOTALS: -4.25 -24

    Not bad for only 18 days since last measurements. Nice to see some more movement in the lower part of the body... wish my arms were more even D: ugh.

    I know usually I show a different view of the dashboard, but while seeing -5lbs on the scale yesterday didn't move me, I'm happy about how different that red and purple line are.That and seeing/feeling some of the bones that are finally poking through the fat are the only thing that have made me smile since Wednesday about this. Not in the best place right now...
    6/22/2011 01:04:00 AM

    Today I didn't feel like doing anything.... (do-do-DO-do-do-do....)

     As you can see below.... today I did almost nothing for almost the whole day. Around 7 I finally got off my lazy ass and went grocery shopping to prepare for the high-cal week.

    Before I left, I saw that I had only burned like... 1500~1600 cals and I was like
    "ok... so, ~200 cals per hour, I should be able to do this still. Heck, I've only eaten 380 cals... as long as I don't eat more maybe I can just not worry about meeting my cal-burn target. As long as the deficit is in order?"
    So... I go shopping, get most of the things I need, got kinda grossed out when I walked down the wrong frozen foods aisle (I saw some old binge foods and wanted to cry that I used to eat them...) and when I got into my car, I thought

    "Hmm... so, I wonder how much I have left? Maybe I should do a pretty intense workout... Yeah, I think I'll have an energy drink now so I can."

    Then I wonder if I should eat dinner... and how I can fit that in AND still burn at least 1500 cals more than I eat... and then I (? really me?) think

    How awesome would it be to beat that 1900 mark I have so much trouble with that I wrote about earlier today... It's just one day. I won't eat anymore... and I'll go for the full 2500 burn in one day. I can do it, at least once. a deficit of 2100~2200 would be fantastic... and then I'll definitely get to the halfway mark by Thursday!
    By the time I get home... check to see how many cals I have left to burn, and put all the food away, it's 10... I only have 2 hrs to do it... to burn roughly 700 cals. Now, even when I sleep I burn about 72 cal per hour minimum, so rather than bring my little display down and see how my burn is... I decided that I should aim to get 500 cals on the treadmills counter done in 1 hr, which would really be about 600 cals because it underestimates how many I burn by about 20%. Then, the last hour with me moving around, brushing teeth, etc, should burn the last 100 I need, and if I fall short by 30 or so... that's ok. so... I strive to run for enough intervals to get it done in 50 minutes  (10 minutes when I do this = about 100 cals)... but, by the 3rd interval I could feel myself slipping... pushing myself too hard.

    Then, the stupid lazy song came into my head (it had played a few minutes before getting home) and I powered through it... and another one, though it was hard... fat bitch (ChlOE) really wanted me to stop... so I had to think about how no matter how tired I felt, I was more tired of being a fat ass. and... that I didn't care if it would hurt me, or make me sick to drink another half of an energy drink, or any of that shit... because if I was so lazy that I had to work out like this just to get a decent calorie burn, I didn't deserve to have a healthy body... but by god, I was going to have a thin one.

    Anyway, after the fourth run I decided to give myself a little bit of a longer rest period between the 4th and my last interval, but when the time came to up the speed, I couldn't really make myself do it. I justified it by thinking I had nearly tripped twice already from feeling so shit from the running, and was getting weird pains here and there... and well, I really don't want to pass out from a workout... it would cause problems. So, I said to myself "Fine... you only had 50 cals left to burn... now we'll go for 600 instead just to be sure we make it.".

    I did... I made it, barely. When I came upstairs with 20 minutes left to the day I only had 13 cals left to burn... and while thinking about whether i wanted to write this post or not... I watched the Incubus -Drive video and the Lazy Song Video while making sure to fidget just to be 100% sure I'd get those last 13 calories in...

    So... the question is... Why am I not happy about the deficit? And should I be unhappy about it? I feel kinda... idk, numb about it really. 

    The plan going forward is good...AND, I am still on plan, though not in the best way TODAY... so why do I feel conflicted?

    Who was 'driving' today? 
    Me? Ana (I don't really have that voice... do I?)? ChlOE? All three? I feel like today was a very... disordered day. And I think that's why I'm not happy with it, despite making my goals. I shouldn't have to do it this way. I'm better than this much extreme behavior.

    recreating oneself is f*cking hard...

    read more for lyrics. I feel silly being so old and yet posting them, but I think it's appropriate.

    6/21/2011 04:24:00 PM

    First day of Summer


    Spring is over. Spring is when I started this leg of my food obsessed life... when I turned it around and said enough was enough to COE!

    Here, based on yesterdays weigh in, is what I accomplished....

    208 to 168.4 lbs - 39.6 lbs
    SO: roughly -3.168 lbs per week....

    Size 14 to Size 10 - 2 sizes lost

    Measurements to be posted on Thursday, b/c I am so so hoping to have the number be -40.5 (or more!) by then.


    March: 1000~1200 cals per day
    April: 1200~1500 cals per day
    May: 500-550 cals per day
    June: to date 650~700 cals per day when averaged out. it will increase IF I follow plan all week starting Thursday.

    April: 2690 (averaged over the month)
    May: 2490 (averaged over the month... 200 cal drop?!)
    June: 2540 (averaged out to date)

    What I've learned:
    • 1,900 cal deficit is probably the max I can hope to keep up (May and June were both between 1800 and 1900 deficits even with a 100 cal difference in intake, and I depended a lot more on energy drinks in May than I have in June)
    • Despite what the figures say (this should be about 3.8 lbs lost per week...) the math doesn't always work out exact...
    • It is rather easy to control intake as long as planning is done, and variety is taken out of the picture. 
    • I am not in as much control as I would like to think I am... I get very anxious when something gets in the way of my plan... and feel uncomfortable with the minor adjustments I've been making.
      • That said, I am still able to make them... so that's gotta be good, right? Gotta keep stretching my comfort zone while it's still this stretchable....

    Moving Forward: Near Future


    The plan:

    Last full week of June - eat 1200 calories a day unless it results in a gain (will check daily); to start Thursday... (VERY VERY SCARY)

    1-7: Protein Fast
    8-14: Refeed solids in
    15-21: Undecided - depends on how this upcoming week goes...
    22-28:Undecided - depends on how this upcoming week goes...
    Last 3 days: Prepare for Master Cleanse

    1-10th: Master Cleanse
    11-14th - unknown... might extend Master Cleanse, might finish with just normal juice fast
    15-21 - refeed solids or ease-out > juice fast >>> re-feeding solids.
    22-31 -unknown...... will need to re-evaluate during re-feeding period, which may only be starting really during this time...

    TOTALLY unknown... BUT... 

    The goal for September 20th (Last day of summer)

    Be between GW5 (147) and GW6 (127)...

    I really wanted to be GW6 by early September... and it's possible, if I can increase my current loss rate by just a little... and the master cleanse should really stimulate some loss, but I'm setting a slightly less stringent goal/deadline because I don't want to feel like a failure... because regardless of what it would cause me to do (go back to COE or dive head first into restriction) it wouldn't be good... and if nothing else during the last 13 weeks, I've learned that walking the middle ground isn't something I've very good at... it takes a lot of effort... it's much easier to be at either end of the extremes.

    As long as I lose at least 2 lbs per week, I will achieve this goal... I will be 15 lbs away from GW6... (cry...) but it will be the only GW I have left to check off... so... ugh, I'll try to be happy with that. If I lose 3 lbs per week (no more no less) I will be 2 lbs shy of GW6 by this Sept 20th... and I will have achieved GW5 before the original date I wanted this all to be done by... I will be VERY pleased if that is what happens (and even more pleased if I can just keep with my original plan...), so I'm going to keep on pushing :D

    The Beginning of the end: After GW6....

    So... there are two girls who I <3 and admire very much. I've been following their journey with their ED for about 6 weeks now, and they both have gotten past their UGWs, but are still struggling emotionally with maintaining, and body image and everything else. They are major sources of motivation for me, and I try to inform my journey based on theirs so... I've decided I need to get an exit plan in place NOW...

    Like them, I really want to have me behind the wheel, not 'Ana'... and, while that voice is not even really existent in my head, 'ChlOE' (why not give COE a cute name too... even though she is a fat and vengeful bitch... just not as subtle as her counterpart) is certainly getting weaker by the day, and I can't help but wonder if (worry that?) as one set of thought patterns and behaviors weakens, the other set will slowly get stronger and more ingrained. So... here's my plan... because hey, I know I'm not going to be happy at 127... I doubt it will be the magic number where I get my thigh-gap (my true Ultimate Goal)... and even if it is... it probably won't be "big enough"' in my mind... and 127 will be 19.9 BMI, so I will still have room to lose and be in a healthy range... but, well... here's the plan. What do you think?

    The Thursday I surpass GW6 will be the week I start increasing my cals to maintain...
    • I will increase them by 100 cals per day per week, and will continue to do so until I stop losing.
    • I will also add more variety into my diet (like... one week the 100 cals will come from whole grains... [eek!])
    • One day a week will be a protien only day, as I will no longer be doing week long protien fasts. (Ducan Diet Inspo)
    • The week I stop losing (Maintain same weight or gain), I will evaluate where I am body wise and where I want to be.
      • If I am happy (unlikely) I will set my maintenance range and continue on with the rest of my life? (lol.. sounds so silly, but here's hoping)
        • If I gained, I will drop the cals or replace whatever I used to add them with a "Safer" food... if I gain 2 weeks in a row, I will do something to lose the gain, and keep experimenting until I find the right combo of things to do to keep stable.
      • If I am still unhappy, I will drop my cals and aim to lose .5~1lb per week until I am where I want to be, and then bring my cals back up.
        • .5~1 lb per week seems so little... but when I hopefully will not have much left to lose anyway... maybe it won't be?
    why this has become attached to seasons... i don't know.
    we find the weirdest meaning in things that have none- ah well!


    I hope that this process will be done before Dec 21st (First day of Winter...) I.E. I want this whole process to be over within 3 seasons... and when the one year anniversary to the start of this whole journey comes around, I want it to mark at least 3 months of proper maintaining. Once I hit this mark, I will allow myself 1 free meal a week, which will always be followed by a protien only day... the idea is to start making room for a more social me...

    First day of fall will mark when I can have 2 free meals per week... which will probably be my max...  (these ideas also come from Ducan Diet)

    Definition of a Free Meal: 
    Anything is OK, but no 2nds. If it's out at a restaurant, stop eating once satisfied, not once plate is empty. Desert is also Ok.

    So... what do you think? Is it reasonable? Possible? Weak? strong? ugh... all I can say is although part of me thinks it sounds really rational, another part is really conflicted with the whole idea...
    6/21/2011 12:24:00 PM

    too tired to make a real post

    but I will tomorrow.

    Also very frustrated with the code for this blog atm. I really want to have the post header for EVERY post show up, but do not know enough about the coding of these templates to do it... if there are any code-guru's out there who can help, I'd greatly appreciated it.

    I think I've been looking at too small of a section all the sudden... maybe I'll read the whole template next time... but anyway... it's clean-elegance by Roam2Rome. I love it, except this oen thing. please help if you can <3

    update: apparently this is why the timestamp feature instead of the dateheader feature is used by so many people for the title of the posts.... so I've switched it back, much to my dismay :( Booo blogger's coders for making it like that ;(
    6/19/2011 11:59:00 PM

    Last chance workout and new job?(!)

    So... recently I've been weighing in twice a week as part of a group weight-loss thing I'm participating in. Tomorrow is one of those weigh in days, and I nearly blew today, which would have devastated me if I end up having a poor weigh in tomorrow (weird grammar there... sorry about the mixed tenses, but I think it's right...?) A few weigh-ins ago (can't remember which and too lazy to look it up now) I nearly made myself sick by drinking 2x the amount of energy drink I usually do and running for like... 25 minutes straight. but I had a pretty awesome loss after it, so i thought about doing "last chance workouts" before each weigh in. Well... now having done it twice, even without knowing the results I'll see tomorrow... I think I will indeed make this a habit. That way, no matter what happens on the scales, I'll know I did what I could to make sure it would be a good result (though I guess what I really CAN do is make EVERYDAY the same intensity...I'm too weak for that atm tho... hoping to build up to it eventually).

    Here's what I managed to do... 

    I would have liked to have a 2000 cal deficit but hey... over .5 lb in one day isn't terrible. I'm really hoping I have a big loss... like enough to get to my next mile marker. It's VERY unlikely, but would be so awesome... and the high from the mood would make the rest of the day, which is a big'un go so smoothly...

    See, I think I have a new job offer. I have an appointment to meet with the person who would be my boss tomorrow, and I've already passed all the interviews I need to to actually be hired. I wonder what the offer will be... and if I should take it, or stay at my current job. Both are as Assistant managers at different retail stores, but the new one would have a lot more responsibilities and a lot more room for growth... which is good. HOWEVER, I would be starting all over for qualifying for benefits and stuff so... idk, it will be interesting to say the least.

    So in short... I'm going to bed now hoping 1. the scales are kind and 2. the offer is good. night-night~

    update:  was only able to sleep 2 hrs :( BUT, I lost 1.4 lbs since Thursday, so not bad... GW3 should definitely be within reach by the end of this diet week. If I'm not officially over the hump of 40.5 lbs on Thursday I think I will cry. It's just 1 lb in 3 days... totally doable with my deficits... Just gotta make sure I have no more iffy days (more on that later D: )
    6/17/2011 09:21:00 AM

    Running > all?

    So... Yesterday, after my Pilates class, I decided to get some cardio in at PF, and spent somewhere between 25-30 minutes on the elliptical, as previous stats showed that it was the most effective of the machines I had been on in that gym.

    My legs were kinda rubbery from the reformer, so I couldn't go all that intense, but in the 30 minutes I covered 1.7 miles and burned 250 calories according to the machine... Good, right? I mean... most days I need to burn about 400 through exercise to make my target calorie burn, so that was a great way to start the day. So what if it made me slightly late to work :x... Here's what I actually burned on it though D:

    Hmmm... More on that later though. I couldn't (of course) actually see that chart until after I had done everything for the day. So... I go to work... do everything I'm supposed to for the day, and when I get home I see that although I'm only 200ish cals away from my goal for the day, I haven't done any vigorous exercise yet, which made me raise an eyebrow. I mean, I knew I didn't BUST MY ASS on the elliptical, but I though I had done at least a few minutes of VG... so whatever, I get on the treadmill, push myself to do at least the 15 minutes I wanted to... did 1 extra interval because I thought it was cheating to get there when I had only done 9 minutes at 4mph and 3 minutes at 5mph (12 min total right? well, as my body was coming down from the burst, that counted as a minute too apparently... Hmmmm) And, after exactly 30 minutes on the treadmill... 1.7 miles, 200 calories... this is what my fit reads out at:

    Its almost like... they are reversed! Now, I don't mind that one burns more than the other, and again, I'm not even sure I can compare the two work outs 100% because I was more TIRED when i did the first one than I was when I did the second (though my back was killing me all throughout the second...) but I think it's odd the machines estimates for how much I burned are SOOO OFF, and each in a different way. Today, before going to work I am going to go for a jog. When I get off of work, I want to see what I can do on the elliptical. I think this is going to be an ongoing experiment, it won't be resolved in one day, but I want to get some more accurate results to compare the two activities with. 
    6/17/2011 01:13:00 AM

    First (mid) high-cal day of June....

    In an effort to keep my metabolism up/increase it if it had fallen a bit... I decided to add some increased calorie days to June after my re feeding week from the fast was over...

    Considering the results I've had this week even after increasing my intake by about 100 cals a day, EVERY DAY, I suspect increasing my cals by 300 or so for 2 days (thus a 100 cal increase each day for the week when averaged out) should be fine... but it's kinda scary...

    Still, it's only one week. (though a critical one... almost over the halfway mark). If the experiment goes poorly, I will simply need to adjust my plan... Here's what I actually ate today. I didn't manage to make all the eggs and stuff because I woke up too late... still, close enough.

    Things I noticed.... I was hungrier this morning/afternoon. I'm not sure if it's because I had so little protien at breakfast... but it made me nervous. I don't want to become COE again... and feeling hungry like that is a bit frightening, although usually binges have nothing to do with real hunger...

    My energy fluctuated a lot more today than I think it normally does.... maybe? idk, it's hard for me to tell really. I felt it more than normal.

    I feel nervous about only having a deficit of 1600ish. The absolute minimum I'll go for is 1500.... even next week which is to be 1200 cals each day... I'll have to up my exercise to get it to be 1500... but recently it's been closer to 1800 a day... so, to go down by 200 is kinda... idk, nerve racking. I REALLY WANT TO HIT THE HALFWAY MARK THIS WEEK. but I also want to keep losing... which means keeping my metabolism up however i can. Ugh.
    6/16/2011 12:46:00 AM

    Week 12 Weigh in and Summary

    This week was much much better than last... lol. Well, maybe it really wasn't that different, but it sure felt that way :D

    Weight: 169.8 (1.8 lbs shy of origional GW3... 2.3 of new halfway point)
    BF%:    29.3
    Muscle:  52.9

    so... aside from that fact that I should definitely be at my halfway point by next Thursday (provided that this weeks 2 days of extra cals don't totally fuck me up)... here are the changes since the last weigh-in!

    -3.2 lbs
    -1.2% points...
    -3.01 lbs of FAT
    +.5 lbs of muscle

    That's more like it...
    look at all that FAT I ate yesterday D: SOOOO GROSS (today was worse...)
    6/16/2011 12:45:00 AM

    not the best food day

    although the cals are not much higher than they have been all week... today was not the best food day... BECAUSE I OVERSLEPT and had to get my protien elsewhere...

    24g of fat vs 7 on a normal day this week. how disgusting. Tomorrow is a mid-high-cal day too as per the June plan... all I can say is I hope things go well on the scales when I wake up or I might not be able to make myself do it... I'm such a cow D:

    Plan: Starting tomorrow I guess as it's not going to happen tonight... I will cook all meals for the day the evening before so that even if I wake up late, I will have them ready to go. To date I've just been dividing the veggies out in advanced.
    6/15/2011 02:25:00 AM

    Results of the experiments... new toy, and new goals.


    My newest toy is pictured to the left. It is an accessory for the fit which allows you to get slightly less accurate but constant updates on your progress throughout the day... so, for example, when I got home from my errands today, I knew I had 500 more cals to burn before I could come online WITHOUT checking it on my computer, which is nice. I like it, I just wish it stayed synched more reliably... sometimes during a workout I'll need to re-synch it every 5 minutes. 

    I think I need to get the watch band for it... so it will be easier to wear/see all the time. My new obsession is... this. What do you all think?

    Adjusting goals:

    I decided to adjust my goals... as having lost nearly 40 lbs has surely changed my BMR... and also, I've been setting new requirements for myself, so I might as well make the site mirror them... right? First I had to figure out my new BMR:

    So... it's only a change of 80 cals or so, but it seems to make sense ot me... and I want to get in more activity... so here is the new daily plan, for now, when it comes to general numbers. (note, 1500 is a max... not a min)

    The only downside to all of this is the beautiful red trendline that I was beating so well has been reset D:!

     I decided to check the nutrition stats  of my plan over the next few weeks... cuz I like graphs and numbers and all that lol. As long as I take my vit, I should be more or less all set :D

    Low cal day - No casein shake

    Low cal day, no vit but shake.

    Current plan with Vit... everything is more or less in good shape :D

    High-cal day with a vitamin.

    High cal day without vitamin. So... why is b-12 and zinc so hard for me to get? D: Ah well, doesn't matter all that much, does it? since I take a vitamin 95% of the time.

    What burns more?

    The elliptical trainer wins!

    elliptical trainer

    Arc Machine

    The two cycles were more or less the same... but the one where you sit down with a back support was well... more supportive, so on days where I am all crooked and stuff, that is where I will get warmed up.

    seated bike

    seated bike but more... well, like a real bike?

    I still need to do the express circuit to see how that does. Will post it tomorrow night probably. Super tired, so I gotta go even though I'm sure there are thins in this post that will make me cringe tomorrow (like grammatical errors or random things I wrote while in a semi-passed out state. <3<3<3 you all.