7/30/2011 10:59:00 PM

Day 1 - Ease In

So... this is copied and pasted from another journal.... Read below and you'll understand why, but basically, I need to limit my internet time so I'm not sure if any of my journals will really have content spesific to them other than replies to people's comments for a while... Oh Well!!

Blue will indicate a comment I've added in while editing to make sure it makes sense... so at least that will be new lol >.<


Time management, I think, will be the biggest challenge for me during this cleanse... specifically the timing of the SWF. So... Today I've solidified a plan because... well, I spend about 11 hrs a day at work/commuting between work and home... which only leaves 5 waking hours if I want to properly sleep 8, which I think I should at least give myself the chance to do while on the MC.... so I need to make sure I'm doing everything right.

My biggest time sinks are the internet and exercise. Of the two, only the internet can really be cut back on SO.... my plan as follows:

9:50 PM - Senna Tea
10 pm - bed
6 am - wake and drink SWF
6-7am internet time/wait for SWF
7-7:45 or 8 - walk
8 am- First glass of lemonade/leave for work if I am opening.
11am - 2nd glass
2 pm - 3rd glass
5 pm - 4th glass
8 pm - 5th glass

*6th glass will be drank during commute back home to help me stay awake. I always get sleepy when I drive D:
*My goal is to have a daily deficit of 1500 calories, I cannot be on the internet or engage in any other leisure activity I like until I've met that goal.
*I will spend lunch breaks walking to help meet the goal :P

So... from now on, in the morning, I will update how the previous day went. In that vein!

Ease in Day 1


* 156.0 Grams Apple 81c
* 165.0 Grams Blackberries 71c
* 56.0 Grams Rawganic Sun-Flax Raisin "Bread" 105c
Total: 257c

After AM workout:

* 85.0 Grams DOLE Baby Spinach Leaves 20c
* 85.0 Grams Kiwi Fruit 52c
Total: 72c


* 180.0 Grams Broccoli 61c
* 175.0 Grams Carrots, Baby 61c
* 60.0 Grams DOLE Baby Spinach Leaves 14c
* 118.0 Grams Tomato, Cherry, Fresh 21c
Total: 158

Pre-Workout Snack:

* 20.0 Grams Onions, Red, Sliced 8c
* 90.0 Grams Pepper, Bell or Sweet 13c
* 91.0 Grams Rawganic Sun-Flax Raisin "Bread" 171c
* 64.0 Grams Tomato, Cherry, Fresh 12c
Total: 204


* 125.0 Grams Broccoli 43c
* 131.0 Grams Cauliflower, Chopped 33c
* 77.0 Grams DOLE Baby Spinach Leaves 18c
* 51.0 Grams Onions, Red, Sliced 21c
* 155.0 Grams Pepper, Bell or Sweet 22c
* 88.0 Grams Tomato, Cherry, Fresh 16c
Total: 153

Day's Total in: 843
Total out: 2453
Deficit: 1609

Not bad... I could have saved myself some major grief on the treadmill at night if I hadn't had the damned rawganic bread replacement thingy, but I was curious (it was good... tasted like buttered raisin toast...). Sometimes I think "it would be cool to be vegan/raw." and since I was in a health-food store to get all that stuff AND it is technically a living food, which is what the first day is all about... all raw living foods, I figured eating just one serving (the one I had at breakfast) wouldn't be bad. Of course... throughout the day, as I went shopping for other supplies at a proper whole foods market and stuff, the fact that today was my last day of solids for a while, and that I'd have to throw out the other serving wore on the COE part of my brain... so I rationalized another 105 calories....

Which would have been fine! Not ideal, but fine... BUT, the package was wrong about how many servings were in there... It is supposed to only have 4 oz total but it had more than 5! WTF. And... I couldn't bring myself to throwing it away, so I ate it too. *fatass*

Now... idk if the MC really works... like, if it really peels away at layers of scum and toxins in your body... but it will certainly peel away at some of the waste (fat)... and even if it doesn't do all of the other cleansing things it's supposed to... I want to use it as a way to cleanse my mind of stupid habits. I hope that it will be a time of introspection... if I can lose some weight and some things that weigh me down mentally, it will be a major success... so... Lesson one....

EATING SOMETHING YOU DON'T NEED IS JUST AS WASTEFUL AS THROWING IT OUT.... AND more shameful, because it will show for the world to see.

I mean, seriously... idk how many of you feel this way, but if it's on my plate... I have always felt obligated to finish it because it's "wasteful" to throw it out... but if it's more than your body needs... how is that not a waste as well? I remember my ex one said when he was a kid his parents told him to finish his meal b/c there were starving kids in Africa, and he replied "Then send them my leftovers!" So true! Me being a pig and eating the excess food doesn't help anyone at all. WASTE.

So... Objective #1 is to stop being a gluttonous, wasteful person... Prepare/buy only what I need and will use within the allotted time... and leave the rest behind!

In other fronts... I told my mother I was doing this and she kinda flipped. But I talked her down from it, and it's ok. However, I think it will limit my length to (max) 14 days b/c while I think I could sneak in another 4... adding another week to that would certainly not go unnoticed. Ah well... let's get through 10 first, eh?

Also... I want to spend at least 1 hr studying each day... and 30min-1hr cleaning my life out of physical clutter too... Let this be 2 weeks of self-improvement and simplification!
7/28/2011 10:12:00 AM

week 18 weigh in and summary

Well... plateau seems to be over for now. Thank goodness.

Overall Weight: 150.6 (-2.8 lbs)
BF%: 23.4 (-2.65 lbs)
Muscle Weight: 51.1 (.4 gain)

It would have been so cool to have a loss large enough to break into a new decade but that's ok! Mini goals for MC....
  • be 149.8 before first day of lemonade (-.2 lbs per day is doable, right?)
  • be <145 by end of ease out (13-17 days to lose 5 lbs is doable, right?)
will post summary if intake/burn later.

Love you all :D
7/28/2011 01:19:00 AM

Lead up to Master Cleanse (Ease in Plans... and jitters)

So... Friday is it! Friday I start my ease in, and a 16 (potentially 20) day journey to... idk... different eating I guess? I'm not sure how I feel about it... I hate hate hate the idea of laxing every day... but I'll do it. I am scared that so many carbs will cause a gain (a big one...) but I'm going to try it. This is my biggest fear... the inspiration to try this is that girl who went from 30% to 12% BF in 40 days... but she probably ate like a normal person before the cleanse... you know, grains and stuff?

I don't. My body is generally in a constant state of mild ketosis... and well, the loss slow down is probably b/c my body is used to what I've been doing, so on that front I think this cleanse will be great... b/c it will really change up what's going into my system, but on the other hand... sugars.... so much sugar... but... well, I'm going to do it at least 10 days baring a huge gain (like 4 lbs?) after the first 5 days... (omg if I gain that much idk what I'll do).

Anyway... here is my plan. It is 66% following the rules... maybe more. The only place I am failing is that i don't have the money for a juicer, so day 2 will be maybe a 50% compliance.

Day 1:
800-1000 calories of veg/fruits. Not sure exactly of how much of what I'll have but I'm thinking something along the lines of...

exact numbers will be unknown until I actually buy stuff (tomorrow morning). I am going to try and get as much of this pre-cut/washed etc as I can... so like, party platters and all. Less work = better

Day 2:

I don't have a juicer, or the money for one. SOOO I'll be drinking 3-4 bottles of Naked 100% Juice Smoothies diluted with water. I know that it isn't fresh, and therefore isn't as good, but it's liquid... and plant based, so it's gotta be *alright* evne if it isn't idea.

Day 3: 2 liters of fresh squeezed OJ. Not sure how many oranges that will take :(

All of these should be <1200.... most are < 1000

Another thing with MC... not sure what to do for exercise or how much of a calore deficit I should allow... perhaps play it by ear? hmmm....
7/26/2011 01:56:00 PM

water (and sobe life water 0) fast

Today is my first day off in a while. It hasn't been a great one... I was supposed to hear back from a job interview last week and didn't so I called today just to find out that the person in charge is on vacation all week... it's just frustrating. That + the low losses lately has got me down, so here I am... with only 10 hrs left to the day and I still haven't eaten (b/c I still haven't gotten out of bed) and you know what... I'm not going to! Water and 0 cal vitamin supplemented drinks only today!

All 2500 calories I burn today will be coming from my body... and while I'd rather not lose any muscle this week, if I lose a little today fuck it. I'm not eating because if I don't lose at least 2 lbs this week I'm going to freak... and today alone should be very close to one if the math actually really means anything!

Time to go for a 3 mile walk... then I'll do pilates, study, and do another walk later this evening. I won't try to run if I'm not feeling up to it b/c of the fast, but the steps/calories will be in place. If I can do it on nothing I can certainly pull it off during MC too! As for MC workout plans... I'm thinking however long I need to walk to get my steps in (probably 90-120 minutes) + 4~6x 5 minute HIIT throughout the day so that I still get some vigorous exercise in, but not too much at once. boyah! I will break out of this plateau.
7/24/2011 01:51:00 AM

BOGO - one for now... one for the future

NY&C Is having a bogo 75% sale on jeans atm. I got two pair... one size 8 (current size) one size 4 (goal size atm...)

I generally don't like to buy sizes in advanced like that... it's never been a source of motivation for me. BUT, I've never lost 55 lbs before either.... so fuck it.... it's something to strive for. Something to hang up on my door and every day look at and say... "I will be there, it doesn't matter what it takes."

I'm not sure if size 4 will be enough.... but it can be enough for now. Being on the verge of XS/S vs L/XL will be a huge accomplishment... and even though the mirror shows a fat person to me still, and probably will even 2 sizes from now... Stats like that don't lie, and hopefully it can help me feel like I've actually done something.

I felt pretty shit today. Couldn't jog... but I walked enough to get my steps and calories in, so I'm not disappointed. I figure it's a good example of how I should handle working out during the master cleanse anyway... which starts Friday (Ease In...)

7/22/2011 02:02:00 AM

Week 17 Weigh in and Summary


Weight: 153.4 (-1.2... in a week?!)
BF%: 24.7 (-1.224 lbs in fat... at least that's good)
Muscle: 50.9 (+.2)

So... seriously? I mean, my deficit was over 1800 a day... but only one fucking lb shifted? Ugh ugh ugh... So... it's either because I didn't get to empty my bowels this morning or because stopping diet pills = approaching plateau (this is the same as I was on Monday... so no change in 3 days)... (or some combo of the two)... I should have a moment tomorrow after all the fiber I ate today so the question is... do I weigh in then? Or wait until Monday like planned...  not sure :( I mean, what if I am all... full again Monday morning?

I'm going to stick with the plan (protien shakes after muscle building work outs, two high cal days etc...) for next week too because... well, it's a week... it sucks, and I REALLY want at least to be <150 by August but... ugh, idk... I want to give the healthish restriction/muscle building a fair run... I mean... well, tbh I'm very conflicted about this (clearly).

Part of me wants to say "to hell with worrying about muscle mass loss. When you worry, you only lose 1.2 lbs... when you go all out, you lose 4.8... 4.8 is clearly better than 1.2!" ...But the rational part is saying "despite the slow down, building muscle will help you in so many ways b/c it will keep you from being skinny fat and it will help you not regain b/c it will keep your metabolism up." So... voice of reason gets another week... Then it's time for the master cleanse, so it doesn't matter what it or ED side says... from July 29th ~ August 14th, everything is decided already.... except what kind of exercise I'll be doing :3 (I figure... I probably shouldn't go for the same intensity.... although I want to)

In other news...the person I worked with today said I was looking really skinny and asked that I slow down... "I hope that's what you want to hear" he said. wtf... i mean, thanks, I guess... but, even in the USA no one thinks a size 8 is actually skinny, do they? I was so tempted to say "you only think that cuz you know what I looked like before... if your female friends came in I guarantee at least 2-3 of them are smaller than me, and you don't think they look bad...." but felt that trying to justify it would just call more attention to the fact that I'm not doing this the "right" way.

Back to the issue at hand (loss this week) The only good news is if I average out how much I've lost I'm still at an average of -3.something per week. Just gotta keep it up!
7/19/2011 07:10:00 AM

Not a morning person....

I hate mornings. Hate hate hate them. I much prefer working later shifts because then I don't have to be startled out of sleep by an alarm... I can just naturally lift out of it. I don't even know if I am the opener today... and that's the problem... I have to assume I am because I cannot find my schedule book :(

So... I got up 2 hrs early to be able to cook, do pilates, and shower all before heading to work possibly 5 hours earlier than I have to.I was going to try for a day without any energy drinks... only 2 cups of coffee... but if I'm the closer, I don't think that's going to be possible. /Sigh.
7/19/2011 12:47:00 AM

Why cooking your own food >>>> all....

Click me to watch a scary video about artificial blueberries

I guess buying organic is ok too... since this shit can't happen and still be called organic. But omg... how disgusting. and people wonder why we get so fat... this honestly should be criminal :( [/hates deceptive marketing]
7/18/2011 11:31:00 AM

Hello... goodbye milddle children

It's kind of funny... about a week or two ago I read through a bunch of my old posts on a different, but very similar journal recently... and was astonished at how up and down I have been in such a short time. When reading it I was in a pretty positive frame of mind, and couldn't believe I had had such downer days. Well, here's another that will perhaps shock me in weeks to come...

I have two topics I want to cover today. One is related to ED-support forums and some of the feelings I have being on them. I call it that rather than Pro-Ed because pro... idk, it sounds like that whole "everyone should and anyone could do this to lose weight" thing that you see on some sites and these forums I frequent are not like that... Anyway, I love them... I spend hours every day reading and posting on them... it's like an addiction, and it is time I could and should spend in other ways but... idk, it's a relief to speak with those people... but it's also so sad.

You see people who had recovered relapse and come back.... you see people fall deeper and deeper into the trap their disorder has set for them... you see others hit rock bottom and then decide to fight and survive... while it can be supportive, and inspirational at times, it's all so sad as well...

The people coming back make you sad because you know they were in a better place when they were gone... and it dashes your hopes of thinking you'll ever truly get control over your own condition. They call it recovery, like... "I'm a recovered/recovering anorexic" but I think it should be rephrased as "in remission" ("I'm anorexic, but it's in remission at the moment.") just like we use to describe someone who is "cured" of cancer. There is no cure for this... the best any of us can ever hope for is long-term remission. I feel that eating disorders are very much like cancer actually... and though I am generally happy with mine right now, as it is getting me to where I want to be, I'm not going to pretend that I can end up in a healthy place at the end of this journey anymore... maybe physically I can, and that's what I want! I can be ok with that, but mentally... well, thoughts about food/exercise/weight/inches will take up a lot more of my time and energy than they should for the rest of my life. Anyway...

Watching the people who keep falling deeper in is also sad, because you know it will land them in hospital or an early grave... With these individuals you also get guilt too, because you know you should say "wake the fuck up and eat more than xyz calories!" but you can't... You can't because it's hypocritical, because you eating 400 calories more than the individual in question is really just as bad as what they are doing to themselves. Sure, you might not feel the effects of starving yourself as acutely, and your decent into mal-nutrition may be slower, but you're both on the same journey - do you really have a right to comment?

No, not really, so instead you say things like "be careful" and "be strong" and in a way encourage them to continue down their self-destructive path because you're too chicken shit to tell them, or admit to yourself, that what they are doing is *not* the right way to go about it, that even in the short term they are horribly damaging their bodies, and that they know better... though knowing better really has nothing to do with it, does it?

A friend of mine had to go to hospital recently because of some of the things her ED was causing her to do (she took illegal drugs to help facilitate weight loss), but the doctors didn't catch it because they didn't test for it, so after giving her a drip they let her go. When she was telling me about it after getting home, I said "Well, that's good they didn't find out what you'd been doing" But really, it wasn't good at all! and she called me out on it too... She asked "Why good?"

The best thing for anyone in her situation would have been to be caught and admitted IP... but, all I could think was "I need to be supportive of her, no matter what she chooses. I can tell her I worry, but that's it... not that it would have been a god-send if they had run a few more blood-tests than they did..." Heck, I even said a few harsh things during that conversation like "You don't need to be doing this, you've done it before without... doesn't it invalidate your previous accomplishment?" and then immediately back peddled and said "but of course it's your choice... I just wish you would have more confidence in yourself." Thankfully she has since turned to recovery, and I hope she is doing well... but I won't be talking with her much now, because I don't want to trigger... which brings me to the final point of this topic...

God bless people who are trying for recovery. I hope so much that it works out for them, but it takes them away from those of us who needed them for strength and support.  While, as mentioned above, I think we have a tendancy to enable each-others behaviors, having other people you are holding yourself accountable to can also save your life... I'd be willing to bet, for example, that the suicide rate in EDed individuals who have others with similar conditions they can talk to is lower than those who are totally isolated... and I also think that while our statements of worry are often not harsh enough... or said often enough, they probably help some people step back from the edge, or give those who have hit rock bottom something to hold onto while they are fighting for their lives... So, every time someone leaves the community, it stings bitter-sweet. In this situation... you are happy, sad and maybe even jealous of these people. For me, it's mostly sad... I think I feel this way because two people I was drawing close to have left now within about 1 month. Anyway...

The other thing I want to talk about is one of the challenges I think ED-NOS sufferers suffer from.... and that's lack of recognition. Too fat to be anorexic, too infrequent with B/P (or unable to P) to be bulimic... and too obscure for anyone not directly involved with EDs to know about... I think this causes a lot of problems for these girls (and boys) that other EDed individuals don't face. If an Ana/Mia wants help, they can get it easily, and be taken seriously. But for Ednos... well, I can't tell you how many times I've read "I'll just be laughed at if I go in and tell them I'm suffering..." and that's horrible. The physical symptoms of Ana/Mia are SYMPTOMS, not the actual disease... it's a mental disorder characterized by certain behaviors, and yes, ED-NOS is NON-SPECIFIC but still should be taken seriously...and should be talked about more.

Case and Point: one of my roommates said that she thought I could probably stop losing weight, that I had dropped enough... She also said that she had told others about my efforts (to which I kinda freaked out internally....) but assured them that I was doing it the healthy normal way.... and that it wasn't like I was "Anorexic, Bulimic or using crack to lose the weight..."

only 1 of the 3 is totally correct... Never been mia....never been able to purge...

 Not anorexic, but certainly ED-NOS with anorexic tendencies at the moment...

not taking crack, but I have been taking diet/energy pills and am very seriously considering the ECA stack... it's not as bad for you, but if the point was "you're not taking drugs to do this..." well, truth is I am. =3

Now, the funny thing is... the first thing I thought when she said this was "omg... has she found me out? I'm not using illegal drugs but my friend was... and I am frequenting ED related sites and watching a lot of ED media." anyway... idk if she knows or not, but if she doesn't if she was serious when she said all that, then the fact that ED-NOS = the middle children of EDed people really does pose a challenge for those who want help... and it makes me worry about their and my future.

(weighed in at 153.4 today... so -1.2 lbs. Not changing side bar because Thursdays = official day, but at least 2 days off the pills hasn't done anything horrible to my weight-loss rate)
7/17/2011 02:40:00 AM

Setting myself up for a fall... (gain ;[?)

Yesterday, soon after I took my diet pills I got a weird feeling in my throat that persisted all day... It is the same thing that happened the first few times I took the pills.. and I got worried that it may indicate my thyroid having issues... so, I've decided to stay off of them at least until Monday's weigh in.I am also going to make an effort to get the ingredients I need to do an ECA stack, as that does not engage the thyroid. Just really nervous about asking for the ephedra source >.> not sure if they'll ask me what i need it for... so I gotta think of a story.

Also, with the massive muscle loss... I've decided to add 120-230 calories per day in protien to my normal solid diet... which means my lowest days are going to be 630-740 and highest will be 980-1190... (230 in protien will be on weight lifting days....)

Rationally, even with the 1190 days... my deficits will be more than enough to continue losing, but I'm worried... no diet pills to help target fat... more calories... this all sounds like a recipie for a gain....

I better lose at least a lb by Monday... and, any gains I have better be from muscle... ugh.
7/15/2011 06:08:00 AM

Something that keeps me up late at night...

When I have to get on my hands and knees for pilates... the skin on my stomach hangs in a very disturbing way... even when I stand, I can see the beginnings of skin flaps and all I can say is this horrifies me. My arms too have a lot of flabbiness in the triceps area, and I can't tell if this is due to lack of strength... or disgusting hollow skin from rapid weight loss (most likely both). My goal, now, is to be half my HW... but will achieving that goal cause me to look like a shriveled up fat person instead of an attractive skinny one?

Will my skin slowly shrink to fit my new body? Or has the 10 or so years of disgusting behavior so permanently damaged my body that without surgery I will never be rid of its consequences? Here I am... up only after 3-4 hrs of sleep... I should have gone back to sleep, but I thought about this and now I don't know if I can... I am so scared :(

Replies to Comments:

Dandy - I am still very against having voices appear in my head that seem separate from myself :P those characterizations have been forming for quite some while now though... as I am obsessed with web-comics and always wanted to have one. I thought it would be fun/unique... ah well. Additional details: Ann's eyes are hollow. Just blackness. Idola may as well actually be made of porcelain, she is so fragile...

The scene is supposed to illustrate where I feel I am on the journey atm... I am leaning towards AN clearly, and have locked COE away by just removing the foods that were problems from my life (locked up fridge) BUT, eventually I'd like to widen my food choices to include some of those again... (unlock fridge) and worry that when I do, that behavior set will come back... but to get to my ideal self, I need to be able to eat enough variety to be truely healthy and live a normal life that involves other people and occasional indulgence... So, do I stick to the precarious ideal which would so easily be shattered by COE? Or do I go on being restrictive... and losing? which is why she is made up of doll pieces... they can be interchanged for new ones... thinner legs, less curves etc... she can always be redefined, which is what going full out AN would mean... never being satisfied, never being done, and never being whole again.

Only time will tell of course. Maybe I'll be strong enough to achieve and hold onto my goals... how amazing would that be? But who knows... I'm not feeling very confident about the end of this atm.

Y.C.P. - I didn't rest though :( or well... not like, idk... I guess I kinda did b/c I skipped pilates videos twice last week b/c of back pain... but I don't think they are enough to be building up muscle anyway... not yet, because my body/back is still so weak. I'm going to start alternating between Pilates and Weight Lifting days I think... where my private lesson counts as a weight lifting day because it is much harder and definitely is toning my body. It's just that 1x a week isn't enough so... 3x I'll focus on gaining mobility and stability in my spine... 1 day I'll do what my teacher tells me to, and 2x I'll do the sculpting portion of either p90 or Brazil Buttlift... probably P90, as it's faster... or maybe one of each. Hmmm....
7/15/2011 02:19:00 AM

Week 16 Weigh in and Summary

Weight: 154.6
Weight Lost: 4.8 lbs
Fat Lost: .6% point, -2.17 lbs
Muscle LOST D:   : -2.2 lbs

Ugh... the numbers would be great if it weren't for the damned muscle... time to start training them again *sigh*

7/13/2011 08:32:00 PM

I so wish I could draw well right now...

One of the leisure activities I had planned for today was to draw a couple of pictures for this blog, but idk.. they just aren't coming out like I wanted... well, I only tried one... but if I can't do that much, there is no point in doing the others lol... I wanted to illustrate the state of my mind :p I have a very vivid picture of all the uh... idk elements at play in my mind atm, and a good metaphore for how they interact. in fact, I even had the idea of doing like a monthly web-comic type thing... but as I said before, my art just isn't up to snuff. Instead, I'll just describe the characters, and the final picture which was going to sum them all up!

Me - (ED-Nos) Size 8... flabby arms and large thighs, smallish waist... you all know my story.  

Design: I wanted it to be a relatively accurate cartoony portrayal of myself... probably in work-out clothing with my hair tied up. The creepy thing would be that there would be no facial features... just a blank there, because I don't know where this journey will end, and although some characteristics (characters?) are making more frequent appearances than others, they are all there, and all have the potential to be the dominant one when this is all over.

Chloe - (COE) She's very pretty... for a fat chick. And it's that condition that pisses her off. She wants to be just plan pretty, but lacks the disapline it takes to lose the weight. In fact, it is outright impossible for her. Everything she sees... touches... smells... she'll eat it all. Her solution? To make everyone else around her fatter than she is... she sucks all the positivity out of those around her, and makes them feel that the only relationship they can depend on is one with food. She is my roommate in the story... 100% moved into my mind, though locked away atm... (more on that when I explain the final picture I wanted to do :p)

Design: To illustrate her absolute lack of control, which she passed on to anyone she is involved with, she was going to have mouths on the palms of her hands, and although the outline of her eyes were to be normal, rather than a normal iris/etc there would be teeth and horrible tongues that stuck out to show her absolute greed. She dresses well, and shows off her figure... which more or less has all the right ratios... just is WAY out of proportion. Probably a size 16-18 US.

something like this... but prettier lol... not all old and skinny like Gollum.
Though, maybe when she's angry her aspect could change?
And of course... tongues.

Ann - (Anorexia-Nervosa) Ann is a neighbor to Chloe and myself. She is a busy-body who is a self-proclaimed 'health-nut'. She looks down on anyone who doesn't eat like she does... and cannot stand people like Chloe who don't admit that their weight issues are their own doing. If, however, a fat person admits they could do something about their situation, she is more than happy to offer her aid in their effort to gain control over their body. First she helps them by suggesting diet changes and coming up with an exercise plan. If the person shows potential, she offers move in with the person and give them more "intensive coaching". 

As she hates Chloe so much, and is pleased with my level of dedication she has asked many times to be allowed more frequent access to the apartment (my mind)... so that she can "help" rid my life of my estranged roommate for good. She can often be found trying to open the door, which has one of those chain locks... so she can't actually get in, but she can always shout comments through the crack. She's frustrated that I won't let her dictate everything, and only listen to her when I choose to... she feels I am impeding my progress by being so stubborn, but I know that if I give her an inch, she'll take a mile. If I let her in 100%, I'll just be replacing one bad roommate with another.

design:  She is, of course, rail thin. Her skin is, in the right light, semi-transparent in-fact so that not only can you see the bumps of bones through it... but outlines of things that wouldn't normally show on a true Ana. She dresses super cute... but not super form fitting. She is always carrying a liter water bottle. Her hands look basically as if they are bones only... since I imagine that is mostly what we would see anyway if this art project ever took off. Below are a few graphic tees by Sullen which would have inspired her look.

Idola (Greek "Vision") - (Ideal Self): Idola is very quiet. She is perfect... or well, my version of perfect. Thigh gap, slim arms... flat tummy, but still feminine. She is an XS but strong and healthy and happy. She doesn't speak much, as she is still just a figment... but she is there to act as a reminder of what I am trying to accomplish when either of the other two are threatening to burst in.

Design: She wears very girly clothing. Frills and above the knee A-line skirts to accent her figure. Everything is fitted in the waist, to show off how small it is... and ruffly on the top, at least in one layer (she usually has 2 and a wide-belt)...

Her makeup is noticeable, especially her cheeks which are rouged in perfectly round circles. Her hair is set beautifully... not a single strand out of place. She looks like a procelin doll. In fact, she even has lines around her mouth to look like it opens just as a dolls would as she is a figment and creation to be sculpted out of hard work and obsession. Her joints may also be obviously like those of a doll or marionette.

The setting for the final image in my mind: 

It's in a room. In the far left, there is a HUGE fridge made of clear glass. It has chains and locks all around it, and we can see Chloe inside, very very angry trying to break out. The door into the apartment is on the far right, and Ann is poking her head in as much as possible saying "We would accomplish so much more if you would just let me in!" Idola has her foot blocking the door's progress open just in case Ann should be able to reach the lock and undo it. I am putting on my running shoes while sitting on the treadmill, which is slightly closer to the right side of the room than the left, and facing diagonally in that direction as well.

so yeah... I wish I could draw better :( It could have been fun...
7/13/2011 01:22:00 PM

Tip #11 - Micronutrient Series #2 - B Vitamins (B1 and B2)

The B-series is really important for like... everything. They are involved in fluid balance, brain function, fat metabolism... so many important things. They help with energy, and are very available through supplements, so there is no excuse or reason not to have them in your diet. Of all of the micro-nutrients I've really learned about (which isn't just the two I've posted) these are definitely my favorite!

B1 - Thiamin

Naturally found in:

Food  Serving Calories DV (%)
Sunflower Seeds (raw) .25 cup 205.2 54.7
Tuna, Yellow-Fin (Baked/Broiled) 4 oz 157.6 38
Green Peas (Boiled) 1 cup 134.4 27.3
Asparagus (boiled) 1 cup 43.2 14.7
Spinach (Boiled) 1 cup 41.4 11.3
Crimini Mushrooms Raw 5 oz 31.2 8.7
Romaine Lettuce 2 cups 15.7 7.3
Tomato (Ripe) 1 cup 37.8 7.3
Eggplant cooked 1 cup 27.7 5.3

(this, and all other similar tables, were compiled from whfoods.com)

 What it does for you:

It helps your body use sugar as energy... so it is quite important for metabolism. It also is essential in the development of myelin sheaths, the insulators of your nerves, and the neurotransmitter acetylcholine, ... thus brain and muscle function. Scary stuff to not have enough of...

Deficiency symptoms and severe problems: 

Because acetylcholine is important in muscle culture... low B1 may contribute to cardiac problems. It also can cause nerve damage and pain. Since it plays a vital role in energy production, lethargy and loss of appetite are other symptoms. For those of you who think "yay, less appetite is good" there are far better ways to achieve that effect, so please don't cause your muscles/heart/brain/energy levels to suffer by being intentionally deficient in this vitamin... remember that less energy = less calories burned, so it won't help that much!


The information I found says that heat damaged the vitamin, but it sounds fast cooking is fine. It's more that the process of drying it for cereals and stuff when it's in grains causes major loss... maybe? The article also mentions that long term refrigeration (1 year +) will decrease the vitamin as well, but how many veggies last that long anyway?! Whatever!

B2 - Riboflavin

Naturally found in:

Food  Serving Calories DV (%)
Calf's Liver (braised) 4 oz 187.1 129.4
Turnip Greens 1 cup 28.8 59
Crimini Mushrooms Raw 5 oz 31.2 40.6
Venison 4 oz 179.2 40
Yogurt - LF 1 cup 155.1 30.6
Spinach (Boiled) 1 cup 41.4 24.7
Cow's Milk 2% 1 cup  121.2 23.5
Shiitake Mushrooms (Raw) 1 cup 49.3 18.2
Asparagus (boiled) 1 cup 43.2 13.5
Egg (whole, Boiled) 1 each 68.2 13.5
Collard Greens (Boiled) 1 cup 49.4 11.8
Broccoli (Steamed) 1 cup 43.7 10.6
Swiss Chard (Boiled) 1 cup 35 8.8
Romaine Lettuce 2 cups 15.7 6.5
Mustard Greens 1 cup 21 5.3

 What it does for you:

It helps your body use protien as energy. It is protects our bodies against oxidation (aging), and helps with the use and maintenance of other B vitamins. There is one other major thing it does, but I don't understand it lol... so I can't really write about it.

Deficiency symptoms and severe problems: 

Sensitivity to light, blurred vision, eye pain, cracked lips and dry skin around the nose are all symptoms. In severe cases, oral-ocular-genital syndrome, angular cheilitis, photophobia, and scrotal dermatitis and death.


Heat isn't a big deal for this vitamin, but light is. Keep the stuff in a dark place until you're ready to eat it :D

To be continued...
7/13/2011 01:54:00 AM

Changing Gyms... maybe?

Planet Fitness is fine for my needs most of the time, but in a few months I'll be traveling, and cannot deal with the idea of being somewhere without gym access... and there are no PF there. Today Golds Gym was having an open house with reduced registration fee and 2 months free... AND, they have gyms where I am going... BUT, the owner is apparently a major asshole..

This actually bothers me a lot, as many of my friends are gay ;( so... I'm going to contact a local gym and see if they have any short term membership options available to travelers... but if not... I don't really see a way out... /sigh. I'm such a scum bag... my vanity is causing me to consider giving a jackass money... even if it's only for a few months... and that makes me sad, but... like I said, I need to be able to workout to avoid gaining too much during vacation... Ugh... what to do what to do :(

More Links about it:



7/11/2011 07:41:00 AM

GW4 -OK!

I've so fantasized about
doing this before... (or well
my own lipo anyway)
Today I weighed in at 158.

Here are my measurements (NOT A FLIPPING  FOUR!)

11-Jul      change       since start       % lost total
35.5 -2 -5.25 -13.04
29.25 -1.5 -7.25 -21.97
39 -1.5 -7.5 -16.95
12 -0.25 -2.75 -19.3
12.25 -1 -2.5 -17.39
23 -1.5 -4.25 -15.89
24.5 -0.5 -2.75 -10.28
TOTALS: -8.25 -32.25

Now to decide if I reward myself with a massage like I had originally planned... (figured it's gotta be gross to massage fat people, so I thought once I was no longer medically overweight I could go...)... buy a new scale, ($160)... count my shoes which I bought recently for running as the reward (also $160ish)... or something else. Hmmm.
7/11/2011 01:49:00 AM

Size 0

Well, at least these are images that came up when I typed it in google... i wonder if I ever could even get that small...

7/11/2011 01:05:00 AM

Vanity Sizing can Kiss my ass

o...m...f...g... So... the work shirts I have are cheap... I got them b/c of that actually, but they don't fit well, and make me look even huger than I am.... so I decided to go to a department store where their button down shirts are a bit more fitted, and try some on. I felt like I had lost some inches lately... so I got an 8 as well as a 10, just in case. I also got a 4... to see how far away I was from being the largest I think I want to be.

I go into the dressing room, start with the 8, and it fits, but is slightly baggy in the small of my back. So... I don't even bother with the 10.

Then I try on the 4, and it fit perfectly.... W.T.F?! I AM NOT A FUCKING 4, and fitting into a 4 was supposed to be an accomplishment, a marker of a BIG mile stone... and I've been robbed of that by vanity sizing.  I am really quite upset about this... and no, it isn't that I think I'm an 8/10 but am really a 4/6... my hips are an 8, my waist is between 8 and 10.... this concept of my size is based on fucking inches, not my shape in the mirror. So seriously.... gfys company that made those shirts.

Now, I realize that one company's sizes do not need to match up with another's.... but really, it's a fucking 3 inch disparity! That's HUGE.

For reference... because I like their clothing so much I am defining my concept of size by Express's Size Chart and NY&C's Size Charts which are more or less 1/2 inch from each other. When I measured tonight my waist was 29 inches, and hips were 39.... ish. maybe +-.25 inch because I didn't write it down... I was measuring just to make this post. Anyway... I ordered two, because in the end what matters is how something fits, not the number... but still... It's depressing... so much for clothing size being one of the things I could use to gauge success :(
7/10/2011 01:12:00 AM

Slipperly Slope

I lowered my current final gw by 2 lbs because 125 = 1/2 of HW and is a much nicer number than 127...

I wonder if this is a sign of things to come... though, in general I'm trying to focus more on shapes than numbers... (of lbs anyway...) meh. 
7/10/2011 12:03:00 AM

ED Voices...

I've decided I'd post more on them later... but this is something I've wanted to post since it happened.

I heard the ED Voice for the 2nd time a few days ago, but was thankful for it. I was at work, and ran into the bathroom for a minute and saw myself in the mirror... and I looked TIRED. Like, I haven't eaten even 20% of the calories I am burning tired... and all the sudden the thoughts "Stand up straight... smile, and walk with purpose. If you can't even do that for the next two hours until you get to your car, you don't deserve to lose even a fraction of an inch today." 

Which is SO TRUE. I don't mind feeling tired... but I cannot let others see it. I've already gotten some comments at work, and I think I've brushed them off successfully, but if I start looking haggard I will be in trouble so... Thank you ED for that much needed pep-talk. It wasn't even that abusive!

On the other hand, having arguments with myself, and using different pronouns is kinda not good... and I cannot start depending on the voice, or I will lose the grounding I have. I don't want to be Ana... and if I use the voice too much my chances of holding onto the control I have will not be so great...