7/09/2012 11:06:00 AM

A blog for like minded people

In this rant, you will learn everything you need to know to become eating disordered, and I write it all out in hopes that if you have a choice in the matter, you will choose not to follow this path. I will not be talking about all the health issues associated with it like other similar rants do, because well... you’re probably already aware of them. Instead, I am going to talk about the key component to being EDed and why it will never allow you to have what you think you will get once you achieve your UGW (Ultimate Goal Weight)- happiness.
To be successfully eating disordered, you need to really hate something about yourself, or feel very inadequate in some way. If you don’t have this already, good luck getting to where you (think) want to be. It is crucial.  

Because what you then need to find is a way to distort whatever this thing is that you feel inadequate about, or hate about yourself, to be related to food/weight/body image. Maybe you're not popular enough, so you need to be thinner. Maybe you were passed up by a job opportunity or a boy/girl you liked, so you need to be more attractive. Maybe you were abused in some way, so you need to be smaller... because if it weren't for the weight, than you could have escaped... you would have been more nimble... Maybe you have no control over your life, so you need to restrict your intake - after all it is the only thing we really do have complete control over. Whatever is making you feel like shit about yourself or your life, you need to find a way to turn it into “If I can just get to xyz lbs, I won’t feel this way anymore!” 

Once you’ve successfully accomplished this way of thinking, and created this mantra, then you are well on your way to becoming EDed. This is where the problems start though... what kind of ED will you develop? You see, it isn’t something you have complete control over...  

Will you use food to fill the gap and become numb? And therefore balloon up to god knows how heavy? BED (Binge Eating Disorder) is definitely a potential outcome, and does mean you are eating disordered, just not in the way you wanted. After all, no one wants to be FAT, right? But hey, if this is you (it was me) than the self-hate cycle will just cause you to continue eating and eating and eating to make the pain duller, which causes you more pain, which makes you eat more. It's a vicious cycle - very very hard to break.  

Perhaps you’ll learn to purge the binges, or start overexercising so much that it actually interferes with your life in order to burn the calories away... It will get so bad that it makes you late to work/school... makes you irate when someone messes with your schedule. Ironically, these behaviors may not even help you lose weight. Just as many people with Mia (buliMIA) are overweight or in the healthy weight range as are underweight, if not more. It all depends on how much you can control yourself in-between the 3+ binges per week you have that classify you as this type of EDed individual. The compensatory behaviors won't do much more than make your life a living hell (finding places to stash puke... shitting yourself at school/work from laxatives... stealing away to other places in the house to exercise... wasting all your money on food you will be disgusted with yourself for having consumed - but being helpless to stop) unless you restrict in between, you know...  

The next class we will touch on is less known than the previous two, ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) soon to be called FEC-NEC (Feeding and Eating Condition Not Elsewhere Classified - nice ring to that one, eh?). These are people who don’t really fit into one of the better known eating disorders. Perhaps they only b/p (Binge/Purge) 1x a week, or haven’t lost their period... It’s a limbo status that many of us hate to fall into (it's where I am now). Doesn't mean these men and women don't have problems though. They still waste money on binge foods if they have BED or MIA tendencies... they still obsessively calorie count... And, on top of all that having a low-profile ED doesn’t really let you feel like you are really sick (and eventually you want to be sick), so it just adds to the self hate... 
And that’s really what this whole rant comes down to - self hate. Even if you are one of the “lucky” ones who gets to be skinny, (ANA [ANorexiA}, some MIA, some ED-NOS) it will not get rid of the self hate that you NEEDED to have in order to start this whole journey. The abusive thoughts will not decrease (in fact, chances are they will increase). You will not feel satisfied once you reach your UGW (which will never be good enough, and will ever spiral down).  

Losing weight, being thin... it becomes ever important, it becomes EVERYTHING. But if you are honest with yourself, you will come to realize you will never be pretty/happy/perfect/whatever it is that you thought you would be because the fact is you are either a monster or a bug or some other non-human THING, and being thin will never change that. It is what you ARE 

So why continue trying to lose? Because, the smaller you are, the easier you can camouflage it. The less people will see how disgusting/horrible/selfish/envious/etc you are. At least, that is how I feel. I will always be a fat disgusting bitch; but maybe I could hide it from the world, if only I were small enough. And I'm quite sure that if they stepped back from their ED long enough to be able to admit it... to voice it, most of the other men and women I know with a similar condition would relate to this idea.  

So my darlings, I ask you... do you think you have enough self hatred to succeed in this path? Because, that is what you need to have, and cultivate. And honestly, if the answer is no, if this isn’t really just a way to harm yourself without leaving scars, than please walk away. Stop searching for pro-ana sites and thinspo. Don’t make yourself sick if you aren’t already, and even if you are enough that you could twist it into an ED... try and find a better outlet.
Because... there is no glory in being eating disordered. The triumph and superiority or the control that you might feel once in a blue moon will never outweigh (pun intended) any of the other thoughts and obsessions you will develop. And once you do successfully turn whatever issues you already have into this one, it will never go away. Not completely. Even those who do decide to give up the ED (it becomes something you cling to, that you believe you need to survive... to cope) and go into recovery rarely say that they are “recovered” because the thoughts are still there. The insecurities.  

This is not a way to make yourself feel better. At best, it is a way to make yourself numb. 

If you accept that and still for some reason want this life, or are already too far down the path to turn back, then feel free to read this journal, share your thoughts etc... seek and offer support. Because, I do hate myself enough to starve (sometimes... I wish it were more often) and binge (sadly...) my emotions/insecurities/etc away (for a while anyway... they always come roaring back). And misery does like company.  

Welcome to my journal, 

Tired Of Being Fat (TOBF)


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