Today I didn't feel like doing anything.... (do-do-DO-do-do-do....)

 As you can see below.... today I did almost nothing for almost the whole day. Around 7 I finally got off my lazy ass and went grocery shopping to prepare for the high-cal week.

Before I left, I saw that I had only burned like... 1500~1600 cals and I was like

"ok... so, ~200 cals per hour, I should be able to do this still. Heck, I've only eaten 380 cals... as long as I don't eat more maybe I can just not worry about meeting my cal-burn target. As long as the deficit is in order?"

So... I go shopping, get most of the things I need, got kinda grossed out when I walked down the wrong frozen foods aisle (I saw some old binge foods and wanted to cry that I used to eat them...) and when I got into my car, I thought

"Hmm... so, I wonder how much I have left? Maybe I should do a pretty intense workout... Yeah, I think I'll have an energy drink now so I can."

Then I wonder if I should eat dinner... and how I can fit that in AND still burn at least 1500 cals more than I eat... and then I (? really me?) think

How awesome would it be to beat that 1900 mark I have so much trouble with that I wrote about earlier today... It's just one day. I won't eat anymore... and I'll go for the full 2500 burn in one day. I can do it, at least once. a deficit of 2100~2200 would be fantastic... and then I'll definitely get to the halfway mark by Thursday!

By the time I get home... check to see how many cals I have left to burn, and put all the food away, it's 10... I only have 2 hrs to do it... to burn roughly 700 cals. Now, even when I sleep I burn about 72 cal per hour minimum, so rather than bring my little display down and see how my burn is... I decided that I should aim to get 500 cals on the treadmills counter done in 1 hr, which would really be about 600 cals because it underestimates how many I burn by about 20%. Then, the last hour with me moving around, brushing teeth, etc, should burn the last 100 I need, and if I fall short by 30 or so... that's ok. so... I strive to run for enough intervals to get it done in 50 minutes  (10 minutes when I do this = about 100 cals)... but, by the 3rd interval I could feel myself slipping... pushing myself too hard.

Then, the stupid lazy song came into my head (it had played a few minutes before getting home) and I powered through it... and another one, though it was hard... fat bitch (ChlOE) really wanted me to stop... so I had to think about how no matter how tired I felt, I was more tired of being a fat ass. and... that I didn't care if it would hurt me, or make me sick to drink another half of an energy drink, or any of that shit... because if I was so lazy that I had to work out like this just to get a decent calorie burn, I didn't deserve to have a healthy body... but by god, I was going to have a thin one.

Anyway, after the fourth run I decided to give myself a little bit of a longer rest period between the 4th and my last interval, but when the time came to up the speed, I couldn't really make myself do it. I justified it by thinking I had nearly tripped twice already from feeling so shit from the running, and was getting weird pains here and there... and well, I really don't want to pass out from a workout... it would cause problems. So, I said to myself "Fine... you only had 50 cals left to burn... now we'll go for 600 instead just to be sure we make it.".

I did... I made it, barely. When I came upstairs with 20 minutes left to the day I only had 13 cals left to burn... and while thinking about whether i wanted to write this post or not... I watched the Incubus -Drive video and the Lazy Song Video while making sure to fidget just to be 100% sure I'd get those last 13 calories in...

So... the question is... Why am I not happy about the deficit? And should I be unhappy about it? I feel kinda... idk, numb about it really. 

The plan going forward is good...AND, I am still on plan, though not in the best way TODAY... so why do I feel conflicted?

Who was 'driving' today? 
Me? Ana (I don't really have that voice... do I?)? ChlOE? All three? I feel like today was a very... disordered day. And I think that's why I'm not happy with it, despite making my goals. I shouldn't have to do it this way. I'm better than this much extreme behavior.

recreating oneself is f*cking hard...

read more for lyrics. I feel silly being so old and yet posting them, but I think it's appropriate.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there