1/30/2012 07:55:00 PM

Aleksandra Wydrych

Someone in the community I frequent found these, and made a thread called "TOBF's favorite" (TOBF = my un on the forums in case you didn't see the connection with the title of the blog). If I ever meet this girl (the one on the forums) irl, I will do something wonderful for her in gratitude. I'm not sure what lol... maybe bring her some nice things from Japan as I have friends there and she loves the culture... Anyway... It's been a while, and the model needs more exposure because she truly is perfect in every way.

I have over 100 images of her... so here is just a spattering of them. All red haired, though there are some where she is blond or dark haired as well.

1/29/2012 01:23:00 AM

The Plan

Tomorrow is the first day of the Februrary Business week at my company, so it seems to be as good of an arbitrary starting point as any. Here's the plan for the next month~

Jan 29th - Feb 7th  - Liquid Protein "Fast"   600 calories from Whey or Casein protien unless I'm working 10 hours or more that day, in which case I can have up to 800. The only other things I can consume are tea, supplements (20c from fish oil and vit E... but I'm not counting them towards my limit... ), fat burning energy drinks, ECA stack (pre-workout), and *maybe* a small serving of hot cereal to get at least a little bit for my bowels to do something with... that would count toward calorie limit total of course. Maybe fiber supplements too if I feel like my bowels are acting funny :/

Feb 8th -10th (or longer) - 400C from Protein Shakes, 200c from vegetables (raw) until bowels are regular again.

Feb 11th - replace morning shake with egg whites and raw veggies with cooked

Feb 12th - replace lunch protien shake with Fish

Feb 13th - All meals back to "Normal"

Feb 14th ~29th - 600c limit most days with 1-2 days a week up to 800 (probably only from almonds for some healthy fats...)

First weigh in will be Feb 1st, so... Wednesdays and Saturdays I guess. I can't bear to see where I'm starting until I've cleaned out all of the glycogen and shit from my body... I know the first three days will mostly be water loss, but I don't think I can deal with the number on the scales until that bit has gone. I'll write a more detailed meal plan for Feb 11th on in a few days... I want to re-evaluate what I've done in the past and see if there are any improvements I can make to get more of my micro-nutrients from foods (i.e. is Kale really the best green veg I can take in? Maybe turnip greens would be better...).

Exercise Goals:

Week 1: Get steps back up to 10,000. Don't care about how much vigerous vs. moderate exercise I do. Burn at least 2000 calories a day. Gauge how much the 10,000 steps contributes and re-evaluate the burn goal by the end of the week.
Week 2: Add Pilates videos in every day
Week 3: Pick up intensity of cardio activity to include at least 10 minutes of vigerous activity. Maybe switch to HIIT every other day from Pilates.
Week 4: Add at least 5 minutes to vigorous activity.
1/27/2012 10:16:00 AM

Holidays... Stress, and sinking back into the hole.

I had stopped restricting as much prior to my trip, in hopes of maintaining. As the holidays progressed, it became more and more like binging and less like eating carefully but 'normal'. I have not regained everything, but I have gained at least 5 lbs of fat back (it's been about a week since I weighed... I am scared to look at the scale...) I can feel it, and it is disgusting.

A lot has changed, or come to light in that time. Some things have stayed the same... Like, despite upping my fat intake, and then eventually just eating whatever was in front of me, I still have not regained my period. This was one of the 'reasons' i used to justify eating the way I have been... To get my period back. But I'm at the limit of weight gain I can stomach... and still without bleeding. So fuck it,  that damage has been done, and there is little more I can do to repair it. Maybe with the help of a doctor or dietitian, but I do not have insurance, and cannot risk being diagnosed with an ED and having it become a preexisting condition.

What else... Ah, I've grown an inch. Obviously not really, but I guess some of the exercise I've done has helped to decompress my spine. I actually was 5'9" a long long time ago, but lost 2 inches due to injury. Anyway... Apparently I've gotten one back. So, it means that what I used to think of as a perfect weight (115 - 18bmi at 5'7" which is what I Thought I was) would actually be an anorexic weight, just (17.5). I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if anything will change... My short-term goal is to get to 19.1 BMI (I thought that would be 122, but it isn't anymore... not sure if I'll be ok with just 19.1 BMI or stay stuck on that lb number).

Finally, I have some sort of wheat or gluten allergy. Discovering that I am gluten intolerant has fueled the binge flame... my safe foods list will be the same more or less, since it's never included grains... Some things like soy sauce have to be removed sadly... but, really, those adjustments shouldn't be so big. It's the 'semi-safe' list that has to be revised, and I've used the need to learn what I can be indulgent in as an excuse to let COE back into my life.

I disgust myself. I can feel the fat everywhere... I get it that I am still 'small' in the eyes of normal people but I feel disgusting... This is the absolute upper limit of what I can tolerate and I need to get below it again.

Also, I get 'glutened' by mistake sometimes, which causes horrible bloating and gas... which of course exasperates the problem. So... starting Sunday, I am jumping right back into restriction... feet first. It's the only way to be safe from getting sick (just the broth in deli meat causes gas... actual bread or something along those lines would cause the same thing as an OD on laxatives and ipecac... for days on end.) and I need to reverse the damage this binging period has caused...