8/19/2012 08:14:00 AM

Binge, Shame & Triggers

breaking the cycle for now... thus able
to post about it ._.
I've said it before, though not exactly where... but anyway, I'm moving out of the country very soon. And where I'm going, it isn't a very GF Friendly country. Gluten Intolerance is far less common in that part of the world, so they don't do as much for it... and anyway, the thought of not being able to find GF easy sources of carbohydrates put me into a bit of a tail spin. So here I am, on a sunday morning, not having weighed in and I won't be... because I'm on a carb hang over, and too afraid of what the water weight will show. And even perhaps a fat gain.... Disgusting ._.

I've been disgusting. I've most definitely had in the last few days more than I did in the last month, and it makes me sick to my stomach. No more. I wasn't even hungry half of the time... I just felt justified because it wouldn't be available anymore soon. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to weigh in I guess.

While going about getting my Visa I had to make a trip into the nearest major city, Boston, to go to the local embassy for the country I'm moving to. Standard stuff really. While I was there, I saw an add for a hospital run study re: eating disorders and well... here it is.

It, coupled with some stories I've heard from other girls either in the past or very recently (like the same day I saw it the first time recently) caused me to feel very strongly that this advert represents everything that is wrong with ED related treatment/lack there of. I can't tell you how many times I've heard girls say they want to get help, but are afraid they won't be taken seriously because of their weight... or how much it sickens me that the average bulimic only gets weeks of inpatient treatment in contrast to months for an anorexic... that people are denied help when they ask for it, and told that they will get it "if they get to an underweight BMI".

I'm writing a letter to the study... explaining all this. How wrong their advert is, how sickening it is that out of the 5 studies they are currently doing on EDs, only one of them isn't directly related to anorexia (it's related to sleep related eds)... and that I find it entirely pathetic that the physical result of the behaviors has more bearing on diagnoses and treatment/research eligibility than the behaviors that define what is generally classified as a PSYCHOLOGICAL/BEHAVIORAL disorder.

I'm still revising the letter... and honestly haven't decided if I'll post it here or not (it will probably depend on if the researchers respond, and what their response is...). I know that it won't change anything in a broad and overarching way... it's probably pointless. BUT, maybe... just maybe, it will open the eyes of the team who is behind this ad at least... maybe it will inspire one study, even just one, that deals with early detection and treatment... and if anything like that happened because of a rant I wrote... well, that would be a wonderful thing, even if it was only small.
8/16/2012 09:27:00 AM

Comments and Weigh in


Weight: 135.8 (-1lb since last time)
Fat: 29.5 (+3 lbs since last two times, but I noted they were probably inaccurate... was when I was supposed to have my period so I think that might have messed with my scale)

So, overall I'm not displeased. From before the -4lb change in Body Fat, I've lost 1.5 lbs, and I think taht is a far more realistic number... so although it would have been LOVELY to have really dropped 4-5 lbs of fat in half a week, I'm not freaking.

I've gotten back into the habit of stepping on and off my scale 5 times and then selecting the most consistent values as my official weigh in. OCDish behaviors 4-the-win. *sigh*


Patti- I published both because replying in public (only way for me to reach out to you) to something others can't see seems strange to me. If you want to delete either one you can, now that they are published, but I don't think you should. Your points are valid, not preachy at all... and honestly, I want realism to be part of this journal, not some idealized picture of EDs that promotes the stupid idea that they aren't any consequences to the behaviors... Also, you weren't telling me how to run my life, and I think you also realize that a lot of the time we are driven to engage in behaviors without feeling that we have a choice... Anyway, I didn't feel judged or upset by the comment, and feel it adds valid content to the blog =]

The fact is, purging is a very VIOLENT thing to do to the body. Aside from the long term effects of acid on the esophagus (Anyone fancy bleeding to death from rupturing their insides?) and the heart/low potassium etc... Plenty of people, I'm sure a number of the ones you mentioned arriving DOA, simply choke on their own vomit... It's a disgusting thing to do, it takes (sadly) a lot of practice to be effective (Which probably means a lot of gain before loss)... it often increases the frequency of binges because you tell yourself you can fix it after... I really don't see many positives. Very few of the bulimics I've spoken with are happy in their disorder. Most are very jealous of restrictive types...

So, basically, to anyone reading this that is thinking "oh, I should try that." I'd recommend not. Not even for the health reasons (which are plenty) but because it will probably only increase your self-hate/body issues/feeling of dirtiness etc.

Ava - I don't think I'm binging more often b/c of purging, and the one thing I've managed with the binging is to keep it so that I am still in deficit which is good... I need to stop though, it makes me feel mentally like crap after, as you know :( I think it's more b/c I'm trying to do too much each day... what with getting ready to move and all. Pre-enrollment classes. I think that once I'm done with work, and can focus just on the moving part of this all, it should stop being as much of a temptation.
8/13/2012 11:27:00 PM

numbers numbers...

Decided to play with some numbers... Trying to get used to thinking in KG too... I'll always think in lbs of course, but being able to switch between the two with a bit more ease sure would be nice.

KG      →      LBS                BMI

62 kg → 136.4              20.7 Guessing I'm going to be around here on Wednesday (Fingers Crossed)
59kg  → 129.8               19.7   Before September Please...
57kg  →    125.4              19.0  Before October ends Please.... (~Back to where I was last year... New LW!)
55kg  →    121                   18.4 Underweight (Before January Please)
53kg  →    116.6                17.7 Underweight enough 1 mistake won't make me be 'healthy' again.
52kg  →    114.4               17.4 Finally anorexic
51kg   →     112.2                17.0 (Ideal center to mainteance range?)
50kg →     110                   16.7 UGW
45kg →     99                  15 Just curious 

(saw a tumblr girl who was 5'8" and 100.8... rounded down to nearest KG to see what BMI that would be)
8/13/2012 10:46:00 PM

Missing purple...

Binged... purged (but not enough - lost ketosis thus the title) on Sunday. It was disgusting... I was running the shower to help cover up the noise and decided I might as well just go about it in there (i've read of others doing the same)... didn't think to bring something in with me to catch it all in... though after a little I did... so yeah, not giving any tips on how to go about making yourself vomit (not good enough at it anyway to give anything useful, but I never would anyway....) but I will say this - don't think it will go down the drain... if you decide to purge in the shower, bring a bucket or something.

Told myself last month that as long as I don't try to do this more than 2x a month I'm ok with it... results are so shit anyway that it really isn't worth it... and so long as I stay at that limit or below I doubt I'll ever get good enough at it for it to be so... just going to do my best to stick with restricting. Bulimia is so unappealing anyway... I never want to turn to that 100%. AN B/P Subtype wouldn't be *so* bad, but restriction subtype > all.... so time to get in gear fatass...

Been going over calories nearly every day by at least 200 (so 700-800 instead of 500-600). If  I can't get myself back in the swing of <600 by Thursday I think I'll plan up to 800 now even though it's early... better to plan, and eat safe things than not and eat shit. *sigh* maybe after a week of 800 I'll be strong enough to go down lower again, depending on where weight is...
8/10/2012 12:44:00 AM

Rewards Schedule and Calorie increase plan (tentative)

Once I get to my short-term goal for fall I feel I ought to slow things down... I will continue to lose, but not at such a frantic pace. So... while this is similar to this time last year when I was planning the same thing and hoping to just find a balancing point where I could maintain, I am not looking for that anymore. I just think I should be ok with losing at a more sustainable rate. A rate which I can keep up over time. The idea of allowing the number of calories I'm thinking (eventually) is scary as hell, but because each increase will only come with certain achievements, I won't go from losing to gaining significantly... the math at least says it would be impossible.


The Key Weights (Significant mile markers in my head) Are all UNDER

132 -20    (I want to be here by September)
125 - 19
121 18.5  (I want to be here by January)
118 - 18
115 - 17.5
110 - ugw

Until 132, I want to continue having a deficit of 1500 or greater. So, 500-600c per day.
After that, a rate of 1.5-2lbs down per week (vs 3 or so...) seems ok. So, I'll jump up to 800c.
The next jump would be at 125, to 1200, and then at 121 to 1600 (Probably not going to happen. That is too much but maybe even if I can manage that once a week it would be good...)

Here's the reasoning:

I require myself to burn at least 2000c a day. Usually I am closer to 2200-2500. But, usually isn't good enough, we will base it off of requirements... Anyway, I figure, once I am at 18.5 BMI, losing quite slowly (.5 or less per week) should be my goal. I don't want to land myself in hospital, though I also don't want to gain... and I do want to be underweight enough (eventually anorexic enough) that glass of water won't be enough to tank... that I'd need at least a liter or two to hide it on the scale.

Anyway... I figure, so long as I eat at least 20% LESS than I burn, I should still lose... even if it's super slow. So that is where the 1600 cap comes from... Then, I figure from 132... I can do 50% of that cap, and from 125 I can be at 75% of that cap... which, again, is where those numbers come from.

Actual plan, because while jumping from 600 to 800 won't be too hard, 800 to 1200... and anything over 1200 seems impossible so... Here's a more detailed breakdown...

<132 - 800 (New Absolute Minimum...)
<130 - 900
<128 - 1000
<126 - 1100
<125 - 1200 (New Absolute Minimum...)
<123 - 1300
<122 - 1400
<121 - 1500~1600

After I'm 120.x, maintaining a week or two in a row... I want to be able to deal. not with gaining though.

Anyway, rewarding past achievements is lame... so no rewards until 124.9 or less. I'm thinking...

124.9 - A Gloomy bear T-Shirt
120.9 - Eye Lash extensions or a super cool manicure
114.9 - If before New Years (not my goal, but it would be possible) - Can take advantage of one of the super sale bags that is available during this time of the year where I am moving.  (usually you get like $500 of product for 100 or so...)

Of course... I write this all right after a 500c binge. FATFATFATTY. ugh.
8/08/2012 11:04:00 AM

Weekly Weigh In

SW: 138.8
EW: 137.1
EBF%: 19.54%
BF lost: -5.3 (IMPOSSIBLE)
BMI: 20.8

Ok so... Reaction - not freaking possible. On Saturday I weighed in at 137.5 with BF of 30.9. Today BF read 26.8 There is no way my body lost 4.1lbs of fat in 4 days. It is simply impossible. So... I'm annoyed. Fact is, I've probably lost more overall weight this week, which will become apparent next mid-week weigh in (Sat or Sun depending on BM...) because a body simply cannot lose 4 lbs of fat, and gain 3.6 lbs of muscle, in 4 days.

I'm guessing I've retained water somewhere. TOTM would be about now if I still had it, so maybe that's what it's from? This is only my 2nd month without so... yeah, guessing that's it.

What else... roommate came up to me while I was running today and said

"So, a friend of mine thought you should go to a homeopathic dr. for your eating issues."
"Eating issues?"
"Yeah your eating disorder?"
"I don't have an eating disorder..."
"Whatever, your gluten intolerance. Whatever you want to call it."
(in my head) FUUUUUUUUUCK

If I didn't have an ED, wouldn't my head have just made the jump to the GI issues? I'm such a moron :(

Refeeding solids starts today. 300~350ish c in protein, 150~160 in veg (veggie bag will be 150, gonna allow a pickle or two as well).
8/08/2012 12:43:00 AM


Tomorrow I go into a nearby city to get my visa for my upcoming move. I cannot wait...

  • I also have to weigh in...
  • run/do weight lifting before I go...
  • Get some meat ready for making into jerky!
  • Measure out at least one veggie bag (for the day)
  • make sure to bring something for a friend of mine in the city who I will meet after my appointment at the visa office (we are meeting specifically to make this trade)
  • hopefully find out a cheaper way to ship shit to my new home... right now I'm looking at between 500-1000 US and that's just not an amount I readily have.

What else... Oh, so... I speak the language of the country I am going to (somewhat... not perfect). I found a diet blogging community (not EDed) they have... and have started posting there. Kinda fun to write about (some of) this sort of stuff in another language!

Guess I should sleep. Busy busy day!

p.s. joining this challenge on another blog. Hoping that linking it might drive more relevant traffic my way :3 She has 400+ followers (JEALOUS) I'd love to be worth following to that many people. Then again, she's tiny and I'm not. (About to find out actually I guess... this is an update just before my weigh in!)
8/03/2012 05:51:00 AM

Random (unweightloss related!!!) thoughts

A little whimsical thinspo for ya'll since at least something has to be pretty/relevant to the blog in this post eh?

Changed comments so that they have to be approved to be posted on the site. This isn't b/c I really mind if someone offensive is said to me. I will probably still post it so long as it is at least slightly intelligent. It is b/c that way, if you want to say something just to me, but not to the world you can. Just let me know if you DONT want me to publish it publicly, mkay?

And... idk, I'm weird and actually look at the stats for the hits i get on a nearly daily basis. Today, one of the search terms that brought someone to the blog was "I'm fasting, should I take potassium?" Made me smile for some reason =] Just in case that person comes back... The answer is if it's an extended fast and you're still being active, you probably should. If it's short and you're not sweating a lot, you probably don't NEED to, but it still wouldn't hurt as long as you space it out.

It's nice to think that maybe there is SOME actually helpful (rather than harmful) information to be found here... anyway... Peace Out lovelies. Gonna try to sleep another hour before exercising.

(Note: couldn't get back to sleep so added this...) Oh. Also... if you are in the US and have the opportunity to do so... Please participate in kiss more chicks day! I am not a lesbian... but the national 'chick filet day' made me want to vomit... and not b/c their food is FUCKING DISGUSTING. The sad thing is I think most of the people I saw participating in it probably didn't even know what the real issue was... though who can blame them, lots of news reports on the topic are failing to cover the whole story. It isn't just that Cathy has bigoted thoughts... if that was all it was, then whatever. I'd actually be all for the gesture on Wednesday if it were truly about freedom of thought and speech, even if it's protecting the freedom to have really dumb opinions... but it isn't just about that. Cathy has donated MILLIONS of dollars to anti-LGBT rights groups.

at least the LA times had the decency to point to this report... (a few others did too... but this was the most unbiased source I could find that actually pointed to the donation issue...)

I've posted about similar things before... (Gold's Gym specifically)  and well... in summary here's my thought on the matter of personal freedom... you are free to do whatever you please and think whatever you want so long as it doesn't infringe on another person's freedom to do the same goddamned thing. i.e. you want to be a bigot and bitch about traditional family values - fine. You want to use your money and influence to block another person's civil rights... NOT OK.

Two things I'd like to ask those who believe in the anti-gay marriage movement... they are kinda related but...

1. How does it hurt you/your faith if someone else does something that contradicts it?
2. Is forcing someone to do the 'biblically correct' thing really moral/right in gods eyes? Aren't we supposed to be BEYOND the age of law? I thought the whole POINT of Christ's coming and going and coming again was to eradicate the law, and make religion/holiness accessible on the INDIVIDUAL level. if you take away the choice to do what is 'right', does that really count?

btw... Comparative Religion was one of my majors... So I'm not just talking out of my ass here...

/rant off.
8/02/2012 02:48:00 AM

August 1st Update

-2.9, but only -1.1 from fat since last weigh in. All things considered this is probably something I should be happy about. Fucking vacation binge.

Fat attack started today! Two major things changed to make me say that.

1. Today marks the first of a 7 day protein fast. 500c in =] all as liquid protein drinks. I was going to allow 600c... but I think 500 sounds good, so I'll stick with that.

2. Changed my running up a bit. New interval pattern = 3mph 4mph 5mph 6mph 5mph 4mph (1min each, x7). My aim is to be doing a 5k in 40 min by the end of the month... and in 33min by the end of September.... though I may change that... BECAUSE

My future classmates (starting grad school this September... ABROAD CANNOT FKN WAIT) have suggested that we do a marathon together... We have about 6 months to train (it would be sometime in February...)  I wonder if that's enough time ;( Anyway, I have about a month to decide, so I'll base my descision on how the next 3 weeks of intervals goes, and how quickly I am able to increase the 6mph duration... Basically... I think I'd want that to be the majority of my pace for the run so that I could finish it in <5 hrs. (I edited this b/c I'M a RETARD and thought marathons were 25km not 26.whatever MILES sorry...). anyway, a <5 hr marathon would be quite an accomplishment since atm I can only manage a 42min 3.11miles lol. IDK, are any of you runners? is 6 months enough time... hmmm, I may have to ask my fitocracy friends :3

So... what else. July was ok, I guess. -9.9 lbs, -7.5 from fat. If I can duplicate those results I'll be able to cross of all but 2 (perhaps... maybe 1...) of my short-term goals, for-which the deadline is before september in my mind... though I guess as long as it's before the end of september I can be 'ok' with it.

I can't remember if I wrote the timeline I'd like to see out or not but... basically... If I can be <132.0 and <18% BF before Sept. I'll be happy. Repeating the loss I had this month would put me at 128.8 and 19.1% BF...

<122 (<18.5) is my GW for New Years Eve 2013. Assuming (large assumption) I do repeat last months results this month... that would mean I'd only have to lose 7 lbs in 3 months. That's quite slow for me actually... I'm fast to gain and fast to lose... BUT, I think it's a good thing. I'd like to accomplish that rate... BECAUSE, I really hate the cold heavy duty restriction causes... so losing slowly during the cooler months suits me just fine, so long as I still lose.

I've already started dreaming up calorie limits and deficit goals and stuff... when what calories will be consumed etc... but it's premature to speak of such things just yet. Let's get the short-term goals taken care of first silly girl... then the future plotting may begin.

Also Cammie, Thank you for the comment. I <3 <3 <3 getting them xo
7/30/2012 07:55:00 PM

Vacation = Major Restriction Fail

I'm no longer in Ketosis.

I was when I woke up Saturday morning... so sometime between Saturday afternoon and Sunday I ate too much... probably too many nuts, and stopped burning fat as my major source of fuel. FAIL.

The vacation was alright. As time went on it got more and more stressful (thus more and more snacking... fatass me) IDK how I am doing weightwise... b/c I'm waiting until the first to step on my scales... Dear god, I hope I'm lower than I was last time, even if it's only .5 of a lb.

Lowlights of the vacation:

  • Having an issue with a used item I purchased through an auction site. It arrived broken but the seller isn't going to refund me. Bitch...
  • Mother complained a bit about the service to my sister and I at our table at a restaurant and was apparently overheard. The manager at the restaurant, rather than helping to defuse the problem made it 1000x worse. Antagonizing a customer is never a good thing so I can't be too disappointed in my mom, but it definitely put a downer on the whole experience. Having to parent a parent is never a good thing. 
  • I feel like the catalyst of the above is me... I didn't go to the restaurant with them at the very start b/c I wanted to get a receipt to help me with my claim for the auction... I feel as though if I had been there from the start, I could have somehow defused the situation, or distracted the conversation... but b/c I arrived midway, it was too late. There is a bit more to this guilt, but I don't think I can post about it publicly without feeling I'm putting myself at risk of discovery.
  • Mom made disparaging comments about my sisters weight... mostly as a joke, she doesn't really care if we are thin or fat.... (in fact I think she'd prefer it if we were both fat). It made me very angry. My sister doesn't seem to care but if I have a propensity for eating disorders... and strongly believe both my sister and mother to have disordered eating patterns... well, anything that might trigger my sister into this... I don't fucking want to see it. 
Highlights - weather was nice, it was relaxing. No in-fighting, which I am surprised about... Discovered a wonderful motivating piece... it's a bracelet - I'm buying it from another source (Way overpriced where I found it.... over $100 vs $15....) It's meant to go on your wrist but my aim is to be able to wear it on my upper arm within 2 years (for my Grad School Graduation). Caught lots of fish... and although I didn't keep to my plan, I didn't eat forbidden foods (like ice-cream, etc...) So, at least I showed SOME control. Oh, I also got all workouts in.

Have a plan in place for the first two weeks of August, but I'll post that with my August 1st weigh in.

Wonder if I can be back in Ketosis by the 1st (probably not until the 2nd ;( ) 
7/25/2012 03:59:00 AM


Warning: This is a gross TMI type post... and potentially triggering.

I should have just gone to bed and waited to cook tomorrow morning... If I had followed that instinct, which I did have, I would have finished a 3 day fast without incident... but NOOOOOO, stupid fat bitch that I am had to worry about having enough time to exercise/cook before leaving for vacation, and while waiting for the cauliflower bread to cool... stupid fat bitch that I am decided to wait in the kitchen... which was just DUMB.

So... 300c in cheese... 230c in protein puffs... 50c in veggies... 130c in homemade chocolate.... 120c in pepperoni and 500-600c later in peanut butter... stupid fat bitch that I am finally decided to go upstairs and go to bed.

Then... I decided that if anytime was a time to try and practice purging... coming out of a 3 day water fast with that much shit in my stomach which would make me feel sick in a few hours anyway was the time...  So... I did, and happily (?) I managed to get a lot of it up this time (a first). I'm sure there is some left, I didn't puke 'til bile came out... but I'm sure at least 50% is gone... maybe even 75%. and most of what came up was the higher calorie stuff (chocolate, peanut butter, cheese). Also, happily despite being HIGH CALORIE (Fat fucking stupid cow) it was low carb, which means that my ketosis shouldn't be broken so even if I've fucked up any loss from today... tomorrow won't be starting over from ground 0 (no ketosis) So... yeah...

The truly good news is that although I'd count this as a fairly successful purge, it was not empowering... and it is still very effortful. I don't see myself falling into a habit of doing this. Fingers crossed this prediction is true. I'm fairly good at restricting atm... and it makes me feel good (in control, superior etc)... so the need to purge shouldn't arise often.
7/23/2012 10:06:00 PM

Week 4 of 'abc' reflection & Plans

Ok well, time to summarize.

avg calories burned: 2281
Steps: 12421
Physical Activity: 1:42 hrs per day (16min vigorous/86min moderate)
avg calories in: 425

Saturday I had a social event. I allowed for, and consumed as best as I can estimate, 1200calories... it was disgusting. On top of the sheer mass of food (all protein/fat but still) I was exposed to gluten. The good thing - it will give me an excuse to be super careful NO MATTER WHAT. because all I had was roasted meat, but clearly it was cut on or with something that was contaminated. 

And just in time! I have a family vacation coming up this week. We leave in two days. I was worried about being able to properly restrict, but after saturday I think I can justify whatever I do saying "dude... what's more important to you? That I spend my time on vacation eating out with you all and then potentially being bed ridden for 2-3 days... or that I be able to enjoy the activities we have planned?" This makes me happy... now if only I can manage to really pull it off. 

I plan to eat out at least 1-2x (and have the rest of the food as left-overs the following day)... it will all be steamed, b/c I truly feel that it is probably the safest way for food to be cooked for me... that or pan-fried but ew ;( 

Planned Calorie Allowance: 
M: 200
T: 0
W: 500
Th: 800
F: 800
Sa: 800
Sun: 400

HOWEVER, I fasted today (Monday) and will fast again tomorrow (3 days in a row! feels good <3) so, I have 200c that I will allow myself to play with on Wednesday/Sunday. 

What I've purchased so far for the trip...

  • Cauliflower to make LF Cauliflower bread with (Egg whites/ground cauliflower that has been de-moisturized and spice... no cheese).
  • Egg whites (for above, and breakfasts...)
  • 13g Flax per day (I may bake this into the bread actually... undecided, need to do some calculations)
  • Gluten Free Deli Meat for lunch 
  • 4 pre-packaged packets of Tuna/Salmon (2 each 70~90c each) - they don't need to be kept cold, so if I need them, they are there, but they won't go to waste if I don't. 
  • Yellow Mustard for the sandwiches 
  • Kay's Naturals Protein Puffs (may not actually have any... they have grains in them :( I thought they were grain free, but now they are quite low on the 'semi-safe' status list)
  • 1 Zucchini
  • 1 Cucumber
  • 1 Green Pepper (all three above are to be snack foods for the trip to the place + 50c hummus... not yet purchased)
  • 3 Roma tomatoes (for sandwiches)
What's left that I've planned: 

  • pre-packaged 63c hummus dip (3g fat, 1g fibre, 6g protien, 3g carb) 
  • 70c String Cheese (Tomato Basil Flavor... omg so good, hope I can get my co-travelers to eat most of it ._.) 
Dinners out will be seafood I think. Shrimp/Scallops maybe... generally low cal. Maybe I can convince them to go to a chinese place and get steamed veg/shrimp or something hmm. 

I weighed in on Sunday rather than today. Was worried that after a fast day it would be unrealistically low, and therefore demoralizing when I came back from the trip. in 6 days I lost 1.7lbs, -1.1 from fat. Not so hot :( That said, it was a weigh in after a massive meal, and a gluten exposure (read bloat) so... idk, maybe it isn't too bad. It's the right direction at least. 

I want to weigh in the morning before we leave, but that will be after 3 days of fasting, so I don't think that's a good idea, which means only 1 weigh in this week :/ *nervous* 

Monday next week will be a fast, then 500c for the next 8 days... I'm not abandoning the calorie cycling plan I've been doing, just putting it on hold. I want to do a protein shake fast August 1-7th like I did at the start of each month last year. Fingers crossed... I'll be <21 BMI by the start of the protein fast (August 1st ... unlikely, but maybe...) And <20BMI halfway through August. (2nd or 3rd week?)

After that, I'll need to do ~2 free meals sadly (leaving party [i'm moving far far away] and US Birthday) :( UCH and 1 after that (Real Birthday)... So long as I'm back <20 BMI before classes start though... I guess it will be ok.

Alright, that's enough rambling! Time to lift some weights :3
7/22/2012 08:22:00 AM

Social Media Management...?

Someone who has been referred to this site by the social media job website cul____ dot com... (not going to write even the whole website name out of fear it would bring more traffic from it...)would you please leave a comment and tell me why you are being sent here? It's creeping me out to see so many page hits from a site that I don't know anything about...

I don't want to take this blog down... but I know that there are companies out there that like do PI work to figure out who is blogging what, or investigate people's FB pages and stuff... and I *really* don't want to risk having that happen to me. So, someone please tell me why in the world is a 'social media management job' site sending you my way?
7/20/2012 10:03:00 PM

Angry at Food

Well, the good news for today is that I have successfully NOT BINGED despite experiencing a number of stressors that easily could have triggered one.

I dreamed about 'binging' (I put in in quotes, b/c in the dream I only had like 5 spoonfuls of ice-cream from a gallon, and if it were a real binge I would have eaten it all...) and purging (which I cannot successfully do, and wish I could sometimes...) The dream well, hah, let's just say... I felt super empowered in the dream because not only did I manage to purge all of the ice-cream out, but also food that must have been 'ok' for me to eat, but like from hours before b/c while the ice-cream part was recognizable and still tasted (yes, I tasted the vomit in my dream...) like ice-cream as it had only been in me for minutes, the other stuff that came up did not taste like food anymore. I'm guessing this is b/c I watched a documentary that had information about a bulimic who can purge without even doing anything but bending over... Anyway, I woke up quite disturbed... but also jealous of the dream me.

I was supposed to go running today before work, but the dream put me out of sorts, so I ended up hitting snooze a couple times, hoping to forget it... ended up having to cook lunch/breakfast WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE LEAVING, so I was late...

Then I forgot that the road to work was closed... that I had to take an alternative route (more late) so I rushed... and nearly got into a car accident. I may have damaged one of my tires/put the front axel out of alignment... so so much for waking up early and going on my usual LONG walk on off days... I gotta go to the dealership and see if my car is ok (MONEY I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO WASTE). At least there are some hilly areas near it... I'll walk while I wait for them to check my car.

Add on top of that some assholes at work... and well, by lunch I was all wrung up in the way that often causes me to think 'fuck it' and binge. Almost did too... I have some semi-safe snack foods I bought last week at work... b/c the snack food I had prepared the night before one evening for a high-calorie day didn't store well... and I had one (70c). Then I thought "Hmmm... I could have another. I've already fucked today up, I'm over by 70c on a 400c day!" but then I decided to drink a glass of water and think... and I decided that instead of the 100c dinner I was supposed to have, I'd have nothing. If i could make it through the rest of the work day (6 more hours) I could have a coffee with yummy SF Syrup as the remaining 30c (which is probably an over-estimate as it is black other than the SF Syrup)

It was close a couple times but I kept on telling myself to "Starve the stress, don't feed it". Seemed to work... Had my coffee, had a Jack3d before my workout... felt a little woozy during it, and decided I don't fucking care. IDK if it's b/c of the recent surge in salt I've had b/c I've used soy sauce two days in a row and had a bunch of pickles last night, but I was so fucking puffy in my stomach today... and yesterday too. and I can't stand it. It's disgusting...  Also, I weighed in yesterday and showed a 1.5 lb gain in body fat... which is physically impossible... but still, upsetting to see.

So I don't care if I damage my heart, I don't care if I don't make it past 35... I will be skinny. I'm so fucking sick of being fat it isn't even funny. Obviously I don't want to die... and I don't want to get so sick I have to go IP... But ugh.. I just feel so gross, and I'm tired of it. And I hate food so much... I wish I could exist without it. Just live on pills and powders for the rest of my life.

At the gym one of the attendants at the desk was eating a sandwich and I just wanted to throw it on the floor. There is some candy in our back room at work, and I want to flush it down the toilet... tomorrow is supposed to be a 1200c day, and I'm going to try really hard to eat at least 800... 300 for breakfast (which is making me freak out... I don't want it... but the calorie cycling thing, I have to give it another week or two at least before I abandon it), and idk how much at the social event i have to go to which is why it's so high, but enough that no one will raise an eyebrow... because some of the people there are in the medical profession, and have expressed concern about my weight loss before.... BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS STARVE.

 I am so angry at food right now, all of the stress and frustration from today is being directed at it... and I know it's fucking ridiculous and makes me crazy. But seriously, fuck food.
7/19/2012 12:14:00 AM

Mixed Bag

I only burned 2218 calories today... and, although I stayed under my goal intake (500), I switched up what I ate and feel guilty about that too... It was a package of Kay's Natural's protein puffs... something that is on the "pseudo safe" list... and I had them in front of my housemates in order to appear as if I was snacking... all to keep up appearances... it has lots of fibre and protein in it too, so all things considered, I should be ok with it... but idk, it's been bothering me all day.

The burn... it should be sufficient to be pleased. My minimum goal per day is 2000, and today was an off day... and I spent a lot of time studying (I have summer courses I have to do for my graduate school)... which means lots of time sitting/laying down (since I don't like desks much...) So really, 2200 is good, but it doesn't feel good :(

So... here I am, feeling glutinous and lazy... but also a bit happy, because it means I'm getting deeper into restriction and exercise... and that means I will be thin again. So... boo/yay?

Currently re-watching the anorexic bits of Super Size v Super Skinny Season 3. <3 Fiona... and Ashley too. really all of them. it's without a doubt my favorite season.
7/18/2012 12:00:00 AM

Tip #12 - Micronutrient Series #3 - Potassium

One of the leading causes of death in Eating Disordered Individuals is cardiac arrest. Now, this happens for a number of reasons... one being that the heart muscle, just like most organs, atrophies as a result of starvation... BUT, another reason is because of low potassium levels...

Things that cause low potassium are of course restriction, but also excessive fluid loss from laxative abuse, purging, and over exercising. Low potassium in blood is often one of the things health professionals use to diagnose an eating disorder... it's a pretty big deal, and a very common problem...

Even for people who are not eating disordered but are following a restrictive diet, potassium is something worth keeping tabs on. Here are some of the facts.

RDI: 4700mg (Source: About halfway down

Benefits from getting enough: Regular heart beat, lower blood pressure and lessen the adverse effects of salt on blood pressure, may reduce the risk of developing kidney stones, and possibly decrease bone loss.

Low potassiumrisk of high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, arthritis, cancer, digestive disorders, and infertility. For people with low potassium, doctors sometimes recommend improved diets -- or potassium supplements -- to prevent or treat some of these conditions. (Source)

Exceptions: People with kidney problems may need to follow a reduced potassium diet as the kidneys are crucial in keeping your blood levels stable, and like anything... too much is a bad thing. (Source

Signs you have low potassium: (Source) 

  • Weakness, tiredness, or cramping in arm or leg muscles, sometimes severe enough to cause inability to move arms or legs due to weakness (much like a paralysis)
  • Tingling or numbness
  • Abdominal cramping, bloating
  • Passing large amounts of urine or feeling very thirsty most of the time
(The cramps SUCK... I've had them ;( )

So... what can you do? Well, you can take Potassium Chloride supplements. I do, especially on fasting days. I still don't get enough... usually between 1200~1500mg on fast days.. but it's better than nothing. generally I take 300mg at a time, and try to spread it out at least 2 hrs apart. 

Of course the better solution is to eat properly :p Here are some foods that have at least 250mg of potassium in them per serving. 

My personal favorites are:

Coconut water: 46c, 600mg potassium per cup. (Only bad thing is all calories are from carbs :( )
Maccha (Green Tea Powder): 15c, 130mg potassium per tsp.
Cocoa Powder: 12c, 80mg potassium per tbsp.

All of these have other benefits attached to them as well. It's all about getting the most bang outta the caloric buck :3

7/17/2012 11:29:00 PM

Monday Weigh in

From Saturday 7th to Monday 16th (8 days of loss) I lose 2.8 lbs, 2.6 from fat. This is 1 lb less than the math would predict, as my net was AVG Net: -1942. It also is results without a BM... so who knows, maybe the next weigh in will be stellar. 

The happy news is it means I am <22 BMI and down another % point in BF. only 15 lbs left before I am at the maximum body fat I ever want to have.... EVER AGAIN. 

Plan for this week: 

Monday: 600c, Run 8 intervals, 30min pilates
Tuesday: Fast, Walk at least 3 miles, weights (1 handed = 2 lbs two handed = 4 lbs)
Wednesday: 500c, Run 10 intervals (for fitocracy achievement and b/c it's off day), Pilates
Thursday: 300c walk at least 3 miles, weights. 
Friday: 400c  Run 8 intervals, Pilates
Saturday: Up to 1200c, walk 3-4 hrs BEFORE the party... Weights Before or after party. NO CARBS
Sunday: Fast, Yoga (new "off day" activity), burn at least 2000c

New Rule: For ever stick of gum/diet soda/pickle/<10c item you randomly allow yourself to have, you must do 10 jumping jacks before bed.... 

speaking of which, time to do 50!

7/14/2012 10:03:00 AM

Food for Thought

Myth 4: Anorexics look in the mirror and see a fat person.

Of course they don't. They're not stupid, however much they might give the impression of being so. You look in the mirror and see your ribs with their thinly stretched coating of papery skin; you see every hump of the spine if you bend over; you see the elbows thicker than the arms above them, and the dark hole between the bee-stings where your breasts might have been.

You see all this, but what you care about will be some tiny, specific aspect of your body that has always to be more and more pared away: the inner thighs must be more and more fleshless, say; or you have to be able to encompass your wrist with the other hand with more and more empty space to spare; or, as for me, your tummy has to be flatter and flatter, more and more concave, less and less like a tummy at all, in fact. Anorexia isn't body dysmorphia; the focus on minutiae is what lets you look in the mirror and still be spurred on further in your quest for a bodily ideal that involves thinness. (When something does force you to see the whole, it can be shocking: one of the steps in my progress towards ‘saying no' to starvation was trying on a ball gown in a changing room and seeing the Dachau contours of my spindle arms and scrawny neck and bony bust emerging from the rich chocolately shot silk of a dress I could never wear without horrifying anyone who saw me, nor could ever have any occasion to wear, since I never went out of an evening, because I needed all the evening hours for my bleak lonely routines of drinking and eating. It made me cry.) (Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hunger-artist/200908/five-anorexia-myths-exploded  - Added bold for emphasis)

I think this is very true, at least in my experience. Not that I've ever actually gotten low enough to be anorexic... but at my lowest I had a waist of 25" and yet the image of myself (specifically my inner thighs and hips....) made me feel sick to my stomach [which was a good thing, less desire to eat haha]. And now, that I'm a bit bigger... all I need to do to spur myself to exercise or keep up with my promise of a fast (today is one btw, may temptation stay at bay!) is go look at myself in the mirror.

And like she says in the article, it isn't that you don't see other things... I see that right now, I look tired all the time. I see that I have dark circles under my eyes. In the past, I saw that my sternum was prominent and that there were hallows that didn't belong... Sometimes these things, these signs of thinness made me happy, but there were occasions they disturbed me... but when I was disturbed rather than feeling accomplished, it was quickly overshadowed by the fact that my inner thighs still touched... that there was excess skin on my upper arms... etc. Focus quickly shifts to the 'trigger points' on my body, and then nothing else matters.

Anyway... that's it for thoughts today. In other news, -2.1 lbs overall, -0.7 in fat from Wednesday and that's without a BM... Here's hoping for revised goal #1 by next weigh in! (Monday or Tuesday...)
7/12/2012 05:53:00 AM

What Fat Represents (To me)

I touched on this topic a bit in the the rant I have posted under "A blog for likeminded people"...  but part of the ED mind is to twist body image into a physical representation of something that you hate about yourself, or something that you feel insecure about.

If I am fat, I have no self control...
If I am fat, I am worthless.
If I am fat, I am wasteful, and thus a waste.
If I am fat, I feel I are too much of a burden on the world.
If I am fat, I am greedy.
If I am fat, I am a failure...

It's best summed up by the 'motivational' quote "An imperfect body reflects and imperfect person." 

I've mentioned before, but I am a member on a forum filled with EDed individuals... and we had a whole thread about this. Nearly 20 members listed off what they meant when they said they felt fat...

Anyway, since I've decided to start this journal up again, I thought I would kinda "back post" some of the things I was writing in my safer journal - the one on those boards... because I want to give a clear, real image of what goes on in at least my head. Only writing about the losses, and the highs of this roller coaster is misrepresentative... and perhaps dangerous for others.

7/11/2012 11:59:00 PM


As Promised... responses to most recent comments (which go back to March this year...)

"I'm too big :/ 68kg for 1m69 :/" on "size 0" 

You're in the healthy range at least my dear. But I totally get being uncomfortable in your own skin even when that is the case. I hope you can find a weight/size you are happy with <3 Much love and wishing you the best of luck in finding that. 

"beyonce has great larger legs" it is sad that we're so brainwashed we think beyonce's legs are large. on Legs... 

Brainwashed? Honestly, I didn't even know b/c I don't pay attention to celebrities much... so I just looked it up. On ever pic I saw, she had quite full thighs. Not overweight of course, but they certainly aren't representative of what most women her size look like. 

I do not think any of those girls look too thin. People these days seem to have a warped view of how overweight is 'healthy'. They're all gorgeous legs. on Legs... 

Yep... though that's to be expected in a country where 61% of the population is overweight. Sad isn't it :( 

I just read through all the archives and found a whole bunch of good ideas. I hope you are ok. {patti} on Ugh...

Glad you've found some inspiration here. I hope you try to be as kind to your body as you can be though. Just wanted to let you know, it's your comment that made me decide to start up again =] Thank you!

WELCOME BACK TOBF!!!! :) I know you said you didnt think people where reading this! well i have had your blog saved in my bookmark page since about april last year :P! So..it is read! :) xXx on I'm back, for real this time.

No shit, really? That's so close to when I started. *blush blush* I've started following your blog btw, but anon. You come off as being quite healthy in your weightloss journey, I don't want people to be concerned about you if they happen to find my blog attached to yours ._.
7/11/2012 09:19:00 AM

Quick post laxative update.

In summary... disappointing.

I'm up a lb from Saturday. The only good thing is I'm down 1 lb of FAT since saturday, so I'm guessing the extra weight is probably from some of the water balance issues laxatives cause... and that I will see good numbers all around next time I weigh in.

Fast today. Also... going to look into what KIND of fibre I'm getting mostly. If it' all soluble and to lots of insoluble... that might explain things. idk... I just hate taking laxatives at all. Though I don't think in this case, it was abuse since I only had 1/2 dose, and was truly in need.

Thought of the day - If food were pure, we wouldn't need to do #2. There wouldn't be any waste to get rid of.

Note: To those who think they want an ED - Do you really want to be this obsessed with poop? You will be... 

K... will be responding to comments that were posted in my absence and writing about a few other things tonight I think =]

Stay strong! I know I'll have to. About to go on a 5mile walk... then do my 30x15 different exercises... and as I said before, today is a fast day!
7/10/2012 09:53:00 AM

Still can't weigh in...

Urgh! Despite having 30g of fibre yesterday, no love this morning in the lady's room so... I can't weigh in, which is making me nervous. I think I'll have to take some laxatives tonight... fucking hate this shit, but the damage of seeing my body weight + waste will just be too high...

All I can think about, all I have thought about the last two hours, is how full I feel even though I haven't had anything yet today. So tempted to fast, but that is for tomorrow... must stick with the plan. *ugh ugh ugh*. Worst part is, a BM will happen today... just not in time for me to weigh in...

in the mean time, I think I will measure my waist/hips/bust to see if there has been any progress... mathematically I should have lost ~5lbs of fat by now since the last measurement, and that was when I wanted to use the tape measure next anyway.

-.75" from bust
-.75" from waist
-1.0" from hips

so... down roughly 1 size in about 2 weeks. Wish I knew the fat% and weight... but at least that's something!

Time to go run! Guess I'll do my pilates tonight after work since I'll need to cook once I'm done. *sigh*
7/09/2012 11:05:00 AM

I'm back, for real this time.

For a while I was thinking of just taking the journal down. The whole idea of others getting sick b/c of what I've written just makes me sad. At the same time, there are similar journals that I go back to periodically and re-read and find some sort of comfort in (not that this one has that sort of notoriety or popularity but still...) so, instead.. I wrote a bit of an explanation about who this blog is for... something that will hopefully be read by anyone who reads this journal. 

I don't think it will honestly make a difference for most people... but just in case, above you can see here's my take on the so you want an eating disorder rant trend.... 

In other news. I'm a fatty (big suprise). Since February... I lost some weight, went to a wedding/important interview, got into a grad school program (yay) and then went out of control and barely fit into any of my clothing anymore... it's PATHETIC. 

So... today marks the start of week 3 get skinny before school quest. Week one didn't go perfect, but week two more or less did... I have yet to weigh in (Mondays = judge how the week went days) b/c I still haven't had a BM... and I refuse to let bodily waste confound the results ._.

I won't be posting actual numbers yet... I'm too embarrassed by my mass atm. but basically... my goal is to be back in the 19.x BMI range before September, and it should be doable.

So... the plan? Click read more to see.

2/01/2012 10:40:00 AM


I've messed up the template a bit trying to accomidate the width of a widget I've added. I'll fix it tonight... gotta go exercise before work. Sorry it looks off atm :(
2/01/2012 10:18:00 AM

Weigh in

Well, I weighed in today for the first time in 16 days... not a happy result. My weight weight is about the same it was 16 days ago, which is... good? I mean, I wasn't working on losing so it's good i haven't gained. BUT, my fat content is WAY TO HIGH. disgustingly high. 136.8... so, to get to lw i need to lose 11.1 lbs.... BUT ... 32.7 lbs of FAT OMG. I must be <20 to be happy... so 12.8 lbs need to go byebye, which is actually challenging but doable in one month so that's my goal. No FUCKING UP allowed this month. Reward for achieving this goal will be 1 meal with friends where I can go out and drink. A little rice will be allowed... maybe I'll go to a Mongolian hot-pot place... it's mostly veggies and meat, which is my safe list anyway. This meal, and this is a rule I intend to keep up from now on... will be followed by a 36 hr fast (I won't eat at all the next day). Which will then be followed by a 6 day protien fast most likely, as I'll probably still be aiming to lose. Yay! I already feel like I'm back on track.

Weigh in days this month will be Wednesdays and Saturdays.

LOVE YOU ALL, time to burn calories -------- weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
1/30/2012 07:55:00 PM

Aleksandra Wydrych

Someone in the community I frequent found these, and made a thread called "TOBF's favorite" (TOBF = my un on the forums in case you didn't see the connection with the title of the blog). If I ever meet this girl (the one on the forums) irl, I will do something wonderful for her in gratitude. I'm not sure what lol... maybe bring her some nice things from Japan as I have friends there and she loves the culture... Anyway... It's been a while, and the model needs more exposure because she truly is perfect in every way.

I have over 100 images of her... so here is just a spattering of them. All red haired, though there are some where she is blond or dark haired as well.

1/29/2012 01:23:00 AM

The Plan

Tomorrow is the first day of the Februrary Business week at my company, so it seems to be as good of an arbitrary starting point as any. Here's the plan for the next month~

Jan 29th - Feb 7th  - Liquid Protein "Fast"   600 calories from Whey or Casein protien unless I'm working 10 hours or more that day, in which case I can have up to 800. The only other things I can consume are tea, supplements (20c from fish oil and vit E... but I'm not counting them towards my limit... ), fat burning energy drinks, ECA stack (pre-workout), and *maybe* a small serving of hot cereal to get at least a little bit for my bowels to do something with... that would count toward calorie limit total of course. Maybe fiber supplements too if I feel like my bowels are acting funny :/

Feb 8th -10th (or longer) - 400C from Protein Shakes, 200c from vegetables (raw) until bowels are regular again.

Feb 11th - replace morning shake with egg whites and raw veggies with cooked

Feb 12th - replace lunch protien shake with Fish

Feb 13th - All meals back to "Normal"

Feb 14th ~29th - 600c limit most days with 1-2 days a week up to 800 (probably only from almonds for some healthy fats...)

First weigh in will be Feb 1st, so... Wednesdays and Saturdays I guess. I can't bear to see where I'm starting until I've cleaned out all of the glycogen and shit from my body... I know the first three days will mostly be water loss, but I don't think I can deal with the number on the scales until that bit has gone. I'll write a more detailed meal plan for Feb 11th on in a few days... I want to re-evaluate what I've done in the past and see if there are any improvements I can make to get more of my micro-nutrients from foods (i.e. is Kale really the best green veg I can take in? Maybe turnip greens would be better...).

Exercise Goals:

Week 1: Get steps back up to 10,000. Don't care about how much vigerous vs. moderate exercise I do. Burn at least 2000 calories a day. Gauge how much the 10,000 steps contributes and re-evaluate the burn goal by the end of the week.
Week 2: Add Pilates videos in every day
Week 3: Pick up intensity of cardio activity to include at least 10 minutes of vigerous activity. Maybe switch to HIIT every other day from Pilates.
Week 4: Add at least 5 minutes to vigorous activity.
1/27/2012 10:16:00 AM

Holidays... Stress, and sinking back into the hole.

I had stopped restricting as much prior to my trip, in hopes of maintaining. As the holidays progressed, it became more and more like binging and less like eating carefully but 'normal'. I have not regained everything, but I have gained at least 5 lbs of fat back (it's been about a week since I weighed... I am scared to look at the scale...) I can feel it, and it is disgusting.

A lot has changed, or come to light in that time. Some things have stayed the same... Like, despite upping my fat intake, and then eventually just eating whatever was in front of me, I still have not regained my period. This was one of the 'reasons' i used to justify eating the way I have been... To get my period back. But I'm at the limit of weight gain I can stomach... and still without bleeding. So fuck it,  that damage has been done, and there is little more I can do to repair it. Maybe with the help of a doctor or dietitian, but I do not have insurance, and cannot risk being diagnosed with an ED and having it become a preexisting condition.

What else... Ah, I've grown an inch. Obviously not really, but I guess some of the exercise I've done has helped to decompress my spine. I actually was 5'9" a long long time ago, but lost 2 inches due to injury. Anyway... Apparently I've gotten one back. So, it means that what I used to think of as a perfect weight (115 - 18bmi at 5'7" which is what I Thought I was) would actually be an anorexic weight, just (17.5). I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if anything will change... My short-term goal is to get to 19.1 BMI (I thought that would be 122, but it isn't anymore... not sure if I'll be ok with just 19.1 BMI or stay stuck on that lb number).

Finally, I have some sort of wheat or gluten allergy. Discovering that I am gluten intolerant has fueled the binge flame... my safe foods list will be the same more or less, since it's never included grains... Some things like soy sauce have to be removed sadly... but, really, those adjustments shouldn't be so big. It's the 'semi-safe' list that has to be revised, and I've used the need to learn what I can be indulgent in as an excuse to let COE back into my life.

I disgust myself. I can feel the fat everywhere... I get it that I am still 'small' in the eyes of normal people but I feel disgusting... This is the absolute upper limit of what I can tolerate and I need to get below it again.

Also, I get 'glutened' by mistake sometimes, which causes horrible bloating and gas... which of course exasperates the problem. So... starting Sunday, I am jumping right back into restriction... feet first. It's the only way to be safe from getting sick (just the broth in deli meat causes gas... actual bread or something along those lines would cause the same thing as an OD on laxatives and ipecac... for days on end.) and I need to reverse the damage this binging period has caused...