4/03/2011 09:19:00 AM

My journey

So... When I started this blog, only 2 weeks ago, my plan was to basically push my body to the absolute limit of what is healthy. I am, quite literally, obese, and I'm tired of it... So I'm determined to do anything it takes to lose the weight. I remember the day I realized how far I had let my body go... see, I used to be an athlete but like many a sports injury put me on my ass and since I couldn't continue the sport the reason I had for staying fit went out the window...

Not me... but probably
something close to what I looked like
Anyway, after graduating college I was preparing for a job interview I really wanted to succeed in, so I decided to go get some appropriate clothing to interview in. Until this time I had mostly been wearing guys clothing, or things you got at hotopic lol... so, I really didn't know what my size was in real people clothing... and when I went into all the stores I liked for normal clothing... Express, New York and Company, etc, I couldn't fit into a thing. I went to a department store, and was directed to the "woman's" department, and everything I wore, even though it fit me, looked awful. I think I broke down into tears in the dressing room, I can't really remember... it may have been the car on the way back. It was about 5 and a half years ago.

A few months later I moved and with my roommates started the South Beach diet. There was some weight loss there. Eventually, I got the job I wanted and moved into an area where the local community was THIN. Obesity was nearly non-existent around me. I was pedestrian, so I walked a lot more, the food was healthier, etc... so I got to around 200 pounds. At least 50 lbs gone from my HW. Since then, I've gone between +10 or -10 for a few years. I used my schedule as an excuse not to exercise, and I went out drinking with my clients and co-workers a lot so... I just stayed in that zone, but that alone was an accomplishment, so I'm not really disappointed in my past self.  I lost a significant amount of weight and didn't regain it like so many other people do.

This is the sort of thing
I had wanted to wear
My present self, however, has more determination... more motivation, so I think I can do ANYTHING to get the weight off, even if it means literally starving myself for periods of time. My first few days were under/around 1000 calories, which technically would count. I wanted to see what I would feel like with so much less than I was used to. But recently I've increased the caloric intake to ~1400 because I am afraid of "Starvation Mode" where your body holds onto fat because it thinks you are dying. Also, I like being active... I enjoy snowboarding, walking, cycling, etc and so I don't want my body to become an emaciated mess that cannot do those things... I don't want my heart to suffer either, and muscle loss is something that anyone on super low calorie diets has to worry about so... I'm conflicted... or confused. Maybe both.

I read in a pro-ana blog that I love, because she doesn't glorify it she just talks about her experience, that the point is to flirt with that line that keeps you a "walking skeleton" without incapacitating yourself, and I thought that was a good point. If anorexia is going to be viewed as a life style choice that at least some individuals have control over, than it should be possible for those individuals to draw a line, and walk right along it without crossing over. But my question is, where is that line? and is it the same for everyone?

this is not my idea of
beauty... (and yeah, I know
it isn't real)

The plan I'm on right now is certainly not even close to being 'ana' at all. But it's where I'm willing to draw the line for now. Depending on my success with it over the next month, I will tweak it to achieve more of what my goal is. Generally it is accepted that -2 lbs per week is healthy, but that isn't good enough for me. It's funny, cause I don't want MUCH more than that... I'm looking for -3 lbs per week. That will put me at my goal weight before an important date to me. So, for the month of April... I will try to follow conventional wisdom, and see where it brings me. For at least that month, I'll be 'healthy' about my quest, but to be completely honest, I expect that my future will look more like a "pro-ana" lite kind of lifestyle. A lot of restricting without the self hatred, and with planned free meals once a month or so rather than impulsive binges. Going up a few pounds won't ruin my day, but rather make me sigh and be more careful until I get back down to where I should be.

Basically, I don't actually want to be a "walking skeleton", so I don't think I'll ever be anorexic... Because I do believe that Anorexia could be both a compulsively developed ED and a choice for someone who already has issues with eating... But for now some of the things anorexics do to walk that dangerous line will be helpful to people like me who want to walk a far less dangerous, but extremely limiting line... and I think I will fit more into the category that can use methods the pro-ana community shares with each other in a less extreme, but still effective way.


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