Tight Rope walking

Hi readers. Long time no write :x Sorry about that for those of you who are not also active on the online community I post a journal to. Things have been SOOO up and down... There was a good two week period where I was basically a raw nerve exposed... I thought I was dying, literally... and you know, I guess I am in some ways. Whatever... I'm kinda ok with it atm lol.

Someone wrote a comment on this journal today which reminded me to come back and made me think I should make an update. So here it is!

First the comment....

Chloe;
All of these women are too skinny. Do not make them your goal. Celebrities who have great legs and shapes are something I can refer to that you will know. Gwyneth Paltrow has about the thinnest body that remains attractive. Jennifer Aniston has great shaped legs. Beyonce has great larger legs. There are so many awesome shapely women you can use as examples, but models are almost all inappropriately skinny. They have to bend their legs to generate any curves at all, and that is unattractive.
You can have a slender body and remain curvy. Lots of women who are not celebrities do that. The world is full of beautiful women who don't think they are, and it saddens me.
At 5'7", 135 is an awesome weight, and the only way you can get a thigh gap with your knees together is liposuction and emaciated quadriceps, unless you are blessed with rare genetics. The shape of the quadriceps determine the overall thigh shape and does not change with exercise, it only shrinks or grows. Know your shape and play to that. Fit is beautiful, thin is not.
Enjoy your body,
B.  

It was made on this thinspo post.

To B, I can't accept less than what I think is perfection. Twisting my body into an image stuck in my head is the only way for me to cope with all the lack of control I feel I have in every other area in my life. I'm not saying it's healthy, or right... but what I see there, in those pictures... that's perfection. So while I appreciate your words, the sentiment behind them and even the value they have, and would totally second the opinion if it were directed towards anyone else... it means very little to me unfortunately :(

The good news is... I'm close. I'm not there yet, but the last time I weighed in (Sunday) I was at 15.6% BF! 130.8 lbs... and I figured out a way to post a picture of myself without reveling too much!!!

It doesn't go quite as high as I'd like it to be... but my knees are together in the picture, as are my feet... and the light still shines through so... there is a baby gap.

To others... I didn't have my period again this month :/ I'm slightly concerned. in an effort to be kinder to my body I am slowly adding calories and I've also started to cut back on exercise a bit. I will be weighing in every 3 days to make sure the changes I am making are not causing me to gain BF... and as long as I am still losing, I will continue to up the calories. I tried to do so at a faster pace than I am now, but ended up freaking out b/c of a gain so... I went from 1050c per day back to 600, and have gotten up to 900. My next weigh in is Wednesday. I feel I've lost already... that or my jeans have stretched a bit, either is possible lol... so, I'm thinking I'll be 1000 starting Wednesday. Each addition has been a different type of food source so that I can see how my body is reacting to each type.

I was planning on making the next 100c be fat/protien based flavors for my dinner/lunch OR snacks... (i.e. hummus for snack, or as a flavor addition to dinner.... pesto, etc....) BUT, I'm considering trying grains next... just 100c (so enough for one serving for me...) at lunch. maybe.... idk, sounds unsafe :( I'm pretty sure they are what caused the gain last time but at the same time, I need my body to get used to starchy carbs again before my trip... so maybe sooner is better. UGH. Anyway, that's where I'm at. Trying to find a balance between healthier loss/eventual maintanence and calories/exercise.