Angry at Food

Well, the good news for today is that I have successfully NOT BINGED despite experiencing a number of stressors that easily could have triggered one.

I dreamed about 'binging' (I put in in quotes, b/c in the dream I only had like 5 spoonfuls of ice-cream from a gallon, and if it were a real binge I would have eaten it all...) and purging (which I cannot successfully do, and wish I could sometimes...) The dream well, hah, let's just say... I felt super empowered in the dream because not only did I manage to purge all of the ice-cream out, but also food that must have been 'ok' for me to eat, but like from hours before b/c while the ice-cream part was recognizable and still tasted (yes, I tasted the vomit in my dream...) like ice-cream as it had only been in me for minutes, the other stuff that came up did not taste like food anymore. I'm guessing this is b/c I watched a documentary that had information about a bulimic who can purge without even doing anything but bending over... Anyway, I woke up quite disturbed... but also jealous of the dream me.

I was supposed to go running today before work, but the dream put me out of sorts, so I ended up hitting snooze a couple times, hoping to forget it... ended up having to cook lunch/breakfast WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE LEAVING, so I was late...

Then I forgot that the road to work was closed... that I had to take an alternative route (more late) so I rushed... and nearly got into a car accident. I may have damaged one of my tires/put the front axel out of alignment... so so much for waking up early and going on my usual LONG walk on off days... I gotta go to the dealership and see if my car is ok (MONEY I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO WASTE). At least there are some hilly areas near it... I'll walk while I wait for them to check my car.

Add on top of that some assholes at work... and well, by lunch I was all wrung up in the way that often causes me to think 'fuck it' and binge. Almost did too... I have some semi-safe snack foods I bought last week at work... b/c the snack food I had prepared the night before one evening for a high-calorie day didn't store well... and I had one (70c). Then I thought "Hmmm... I could have another. I've already fucked today up, I'm over by 70c on a 400c day!" but then I decided to drink a glass of water and think... and I decided that instead of the 100c dinner I was supposed to have, I'd have nothing. If i could make it through the rest of the work day (6 more hours) I could have a coffee with yummy SF Syrup as the remaining 30c (which is probably an over-estimate as it is black other than the SF Syrup)

It was close a couple times but I kept on telling myself to "Starve the stress, don't feed it". Seemed to work... Had my coffee, had a Jack3d before my workout... felt a little woozy during it, and decided I don't fucking care. IDK if it's b/c of the recent surge in salt I've had b/c I've used soy sauce two days in a row and had a bunch of pickles last night, but I was so fucking puffy in my stomach today... and yesterday too. and I can't stand it. It's disgusting...  Also, I weighed in yesterday and showed a 1.5 lb gain in body fat... which is physically impossible... but still, upsetting to see.

So I don't care if I damage my heart, I don't care if I don't make it past 35... I will be skinny. I'm so fucking sick of being fat it isn't even funny. Obviously I don't want to die... and I don't want to get so sick I have to go IP... But ugh.. I just feel so gross, and I'm tired of it. And I hate food so much... I wish I could exist without it. Just live on pills and powders for the rest of my life.

At the gym one of the attendants at the desk was eating a sandwich and I just wanted to throw it on the floor. There is some candy in our back room at work, and I want to flush it down the toilet... tomorrow is supposed to be a 1200c day, and I'm going to try really hard to eat at least 800... 300 for breakfast (which is making me freak out... I don't want it... but the calorie cycling thing, I have to give it another week or two at least before I abandon it), and idk how much at the social event i have to go to which is why it's so high, but enough that no one will raise an eyebrow... because some of the people there are in the medical profession, and have expressed concern about my weight loss before.... BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS STARVE.

 I am so angry at food right now, all of the stress and frustration from today is being directed at it... and I know it's fucking ridiculous and makes me crazy. But seriously, fuck food.