Purge...

Warning: This is a gross TMI type post... and potentially triggering.

I should have just gone to bed and waited to cook tomorrow morning... If I had followed that instinct, which I did have, I would have finished a 3 day fast without incident... but NOOOOOO, stupid fat bitch that I am had to worry about having enough time to exercise/cook before leaving for vacation, and while waiting for the cauliflower bread to cool... stupid fat bitch that I am decided to wait in the kitchen... which was just DUMB.

So... 300c in cheese... 230c in protein puffs... 50c in veggies... 130c in homemade chocolate.... 120c in pepperoni and 500-600c later in peanut butter... stupid fat bitch that I am finally decided to go upstairs and go to bed.

Then... I decided that if anytime was a time to try and practice purging... coming out of a 3 day water fast with that much shit in my stomach which would make me feel sick in a few hours anyway was the time...  So... I did, and happily (?) I managed to get a lot of it up this time (a first). I'm sure there is some left, I didn't puke 'til bile came out... but I'm sure at least 50% is gone... maybe even 75%. and most of what came up was the higher calorie stuff (chocolate, peanut butter, cheese). Also, happily despite being HIGH CALORIE (Fat fucking stupid cow) it was low carb, which means that my ketosis shouldn't be broken so even if I've fucked up any loss from today... tomorrow won't be starting over from ground 0 (no ketosis) So... yeah...

The truly good news is that although I'd count this as a fairly successful purge, it was not empowering... and it is still very effortful. I don't see myself falling into a habit of doing this. Fingers crossed this prediction is true. I'm fairly good at restricting atm... and it makes me feel good (in control, superior etc)... so the need to purge shouldn't arise often.