Something that keeps me up late at night...

When I have to get on my hands and knees for pilates... the skin on my stomach hangs in a very disturbing way... even when I stand, I can see the beginnings of skin flaps and all I can say is this horrifies me. My arms too have a lot of flabbiness in the triceps area, and I can't tell if this is due to lack of strength... or disgusting hollow skin from rapid weight loss (most likely both). My goal, now, is to be half my HW... but will achieving that goal cause me to look like a shriveled up fat person instead of an attractive skinny one?

Will my skin slowly shrink to fit my new body? Or has the 10 or so years of disgusting behavior so permanently damaged my body that without surgery I will never be rid of its consequences? Here I am... up only after 3-4 hrs of sleep... I should have gone back to sleep, but I thought about this and now I don't know if I can... I am so scared :(


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Dandy - I am still very against having voices appear in my head that seem separate from myself :P those characterizations have been forming for quite some while now though... as I am obsessed with web-comics and always wanted to have one. I thought it would be fun/unique... ah well. Additional details: Ann's eyes are hollow. Just blackness. Idola may as well actually be made of porcelain, she is so fragile...

The scene is supposed to illustrate where I feel I am on the journey atm... I am leaning towards AN clearly, and have locked COE away by just removing the foods that were problems from my life (locked up fridge) BUT, eventually I'd like to widen my food choices to include some of those again... (unlock fridge) and worry that when I do, that behavior set will come back... but to get to my ideal self, I need to be able to eat enough variety to be truely healthy and live a normal life that involves other people and occasional indulgence... So, do I stick to the precarious ideal which would so easily be shattered by COE? Or do I go on being restrictive... and losing? which is why she is made up of doll pieces... they can be interchanged for new ones... thinner legs, less curves etc... she can always be redefined, which is what going full out AN would mean... never being satisfied, never being done, and never being whole again.

Only time will tell of course. Maybe I'll be strong enough to achieve and hold onto my goals... how amazing would that be? But who knows... I'm not feeling very confident about the end of this atm.

Y.C.P. - I didn't rest though :( or well... not like, idk... I guess I kinda did b/c I skipped pilates videos twice last week b/c of back pain... but I don't think they are enough to be building up muscle anyway... not yet, because my body/back is still so weak. I'm going to start alternating between Pilates and Weight Lifting days I think... where my private lesson counts as a weight lifting day because it is much harder and definitely is toning my body. It's just that 1x a week isn't enough so... 3x I'll focus on gaining mobility and stability in my spine... 1 day I'll do what my teacher tells me to, and 2x I'll do the sculpting portion of either p90 or Brazil Buttlift... probably P90, as it's faster... or maybe one of each. Hmmm....