I heard the ED Voice for the 2nd time a few days ago, but was thankful for it. I was at work, and ran into the bathroom for a minute and saw myself in the mirror... and I looked TIRED. Like, I haven't eaten even 20% of the calories I am burning tired... and all the sudden the thoughts "Stand up straight... smile, and walk with purpose. If you can't even do that for the next two hours until you get to your car, you don't deserve to lose even a fraction of an inch today."
Which is SO TRUE. I don't mind feeling tired... but I cannot let others see it. I've already gotten some comments at work, and I think I've brushed them off successfully, but if I start looking haggard I will be in trouble so... Thank you ED for that much needed pep-talk. It wasn't even that abusive!
On the other hand, having arguments with myself, and using different pronouns is kinda not good... and I cannot start depending on the voice, or I will lose the grounding I have. I don't want to be Ana... and if I use the voice too much my chances of holding onto the control I have will not be so great...
3 comments:
Good luck hon! Be safe! Love you!
I've always had 'voices', like different thoughts and viewpoints talking to each other inside me. I don't regard it as a negative thing. Long before I cared about my weight I would often have debates with myself inside my head, with different aspects of myself having different opinions. Having voices in my head doesn't make me feel crazy, it's more of a tool for understanding myself better. I've never felt like those voices control me. At the end of the day, they're just different parts of me.
Do you have to be afraid of your Ana voice? x
I've always had that sort of thing too, but never used different pronouns to myself so I think that was what was slightly off-putting. I'm not scared of it, not yet anyway...
I am scared of growing dependent on it though. Restriction is so... so easy. And as the weight comes off, the pressure to never regain it gets more severe, so I can see where even though my idea of perfection for me does not include many visible ribs... I could end up wanting that rather than risk losing the ground I've made... and that is not something I want.
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