7/18/2011 11:31:00 AM

Hello... goodbye milddle children

It's kind of funny... about a week or two ago I read through a bunch of my old posts on a different, but very similar journal recently... and was astonished at how up and down I have been in such a short time. When reading it I was in a pretty positive frame of mind, and couldn't believe I had had such downer days. Well, here's another that will perhaps shock me in weeks to come...

I have two topics I want to cover today. One is related to ED-support forums and some of the feelings I have being on them. I call it that rather than Pro-Ed because pro... idk, it sounds like that whole "everyone should and anyone could do this to lose weight" thing that you see on some sites and these forums I frequent are not like that... Anyway, I love them... I spend hours every day reading and posting on them... it's like an addiction, and it is time I could and should spend in other ways but... idk, it's a relief to speak with those people... but it's also so sad.

You see people who had recovered relapse and come back.... you see people fall deeper and deeper into the trap their disorder has set for them... you see others hit rock bottom and then decide to fight and survive... while it can be supportive, and inspirational at times, it's all so sad as well...

The people coming back make you sad because you know they were in a better place when they were gone... and it dashes your hopes of thinking you'll ever truly get control over your own condition. They call it recovery, like... "I'm a recovered/recovering anorexic" but I think it should be rephrased as "in remission" ("I'm anorexic, but it's in remission at the moment.") just like we use to describe someone who is "cured" of cancer. There is no cure for this... the best any of us can ever hope for is long-term remission. I feel that eating disorders are very much like cancer actually... and though I am generally happy with mine right now, as it is getting me to where I want to be, I'm not going to pretend that I can end up in a healthy place at the end of this journey anymore... maybe physically I can, and that's what I want! I can be ok with that, but mentally... well, thoughts about food/exercise/weight/inches will take up a lot more of my time and energy than they should for the rest of my life. Anyway...

Watching the people who keep falling deeper in is also sad, because you know it will land them in hospital or an early grave... With these individuals you also get guilt too, because you know you should say "wake the fuck up and eat more than xyz calories!" but you can't... You can't because it's hypocritical, because you eating 400 calories more than the individual in question is really just as bad as what they are doing to themselves. Sure, you might not feel the effects of starving yourself as acutely, and your decent into mal-nutrition may be slower, but you're both on the same journey - do you really have a right to comment?

No, not really, so instead you say things like "be careful" and "be strong" and in a way encourage them to continue down their self-destructive path because you're too chicken shit to tell them, or admit to yourself, that what they are doing is *not* the right way to go about it, that even in the short term they are horribly damaging their bodies, and that they know better... though knowing better really has nothing to do with it, does it?

A friend of mine had to go to hospital recently because of some of the things her ED was causing her to do (she took illegal drugs to help facilitate weight loss), but the doctors didn't catch it because they didn't test for it, so after giving her a drip they let her go. When she was telling me about it after getting home, I said "Well, that's good they didn't find out what you'd been doing" But really, it wasn't good at all! and she called me out on it too... She asked "Why good?"

The best thing for anyone in her situation would have been to be caught and admitted IP... but, all I could think was "I need to be supportive of her, no matter what she chooses. I can tell her I worry, but that's it... not that it would have been a god-send if they had run a few more blood-tests than they did..." Heck, I even said a few harsh things during that conversation like "You don't need to be doing this, you've done it before without... doesn't it invalidate your previous accomplishment?" and then immediately back peddled and said "but of course it's your choice... I just wish you would have more confidence in yourself." Thankfully she has since turned to recovery, and I hope she is doing well... but I won't be talking with her much now, because I don't want to trigger... which brings me to the final point of this topic...

God bless people who are trying for recovery. I hope so much that it works out for them, but it takes them away from those of us who needed them for strength and support.  While, as mentioned above, I think we have a tendancy to enable each-others behaviors, having other people you are holding yourself accountable to can also save your life... I'd be willing to bet, for example, that the suicide rate in EDed individuals who have others with similar conditions they can talk to is lower than those who are totally isolated... and I also think that while our statements of worry are often not harsh enough... or said often enough, they probably help some people step back from the edge, or give those who have hit rock bottom something to hold onto while they are fighting for their lives... So, every time someone leaves the community, it stings bitter-sweet. In this situation... you are happy, sad and maybe even jealous of these people. For me, it's mostly sad... I think I feel this way because two people I was drawing close to have left now within about 1 month. Anyway...

The other thing I want to talk about is one of the challenges I think ED-NOS sufferers suffer from.... and that's lack of recognition. Too fat to be anorexic, too infrequent with B/P (or unable to P) to be bulimic... and too obscure for anyone not directly involved with EDs to know about... I think this causes a lot of problems for these girls (and boys) that other EDed individuals don't face. If an Ana/Mia wants help, they can get it easily, and be taken seriously. But for Ednos... well, I can't tell you how many times I've read "I'll just be laughed at if I go in and tell them I'm suffering..." and that's horrible. The physical symptoms of Ana/Mia are SYMPTOMS, not the actual disease... it's a mental disorder characterized by certain behaviors, and yes, ED-NOS is NON-SPECIFIC but still should be taken seriously...and should be talked about more.

Case and Point: one of my roommates said that she thought I could probably stop losing weight, that I had dropped enough... She also said that she had told others about my efforts (to which I kinda freaked out internally....) but assured them that I was doing it the healthy normal way.... and that it wasn't like I was "Anorexic, Bulimic or using crack to lose the weight..."

only 1 of the 3 is totally correct... Never been mia....never been able to purge...

 Not anorexic, but certainly ED-NOS with anorexic tendencies at the moment...

not taking crack, but I have been taking diet/energy pills and am very seriously considering the ECA stack... it's not as bad for you, but if the point was "you're not taking drugs to do this..." well, truth is I am. =3

Now, the funny thing is... the first thing I thought when she said this was "omg... has she found me out? I'm not using illegal drugs but my friend was... and I am frequenting ED related sites and watching a lot of ED media." anyway... idk if she knows or not, but if she doesn't if she was serious when she said all that, then the fact that ED-NOS = the middle children of EDed people really does pose a challenge for those who want help... and it makes me worry about their and my future.

(weighed in at 153.4 today... so -1.2 lbs. Not changing side bar because Thursdays = official day, but at least 2 days off the pills hasn't done anything horrible to my weight-loss rate)

5 comments:

Y.C. Phantomhive87 said...

I agree. And you know I think you are right? If I didn't have you guys and a close friend who knows and is there for me when I need it...I think I might have tipped lower than I already have. Those of us with EDNOS really are the middle child aren't we? Be safe tobf! I love you!

Dandelion Clock said...

Wow. I'm so glad you posted this. A lot of the time I get this niggling feeling in the back of my mind, like, 'I should know better than this. I should have the willpower to do this the long way round so I can be healthy about it. And I sure as hell know better than to write blogs and comments which promote eating disorders to impressionable younger people.' Sometimes I wonder if this is how evil happens. Because somebody is selfish and wants attention, and doesn't care how many other people's lives they screw up to make themselves feel better.

But, it's difficult to say that stuff in the pro-ana community, you know? Because there's always that fear that someone will take your comments as a criticism of their choices, and will react defensively by saying, 'Fine, so shut down your blog, go eat a pack of Twinkies, and be a fat crybaby forever. See you later, porkchop.'

Or maybe nobody talks about this stuff much just because we are all afraid to let the voice of reason in, in case it takes over and makes us fatter again. :(

tobf said...

@Dande - I think it's probably a bit of both... I mean, if you tell someone to eat more, doesn't that mean you have to too? and I know that at least for me, I'm scared of being judged as a fraud all the time... so beyond a "be careful", or answering questions that people ask like "why do I have xyz happening to me..." I don't feel like I can do more than that :( Like... you saw what I posted on Nikki's blog... writing that caused so much fear of rejection I can't even begin to describe it... this shit shouldn't be so hard to do, and we all should... at least in really really bad situations like the one I described. I'm so ashamed of saying that it was a good thing the Drs. didn't screen for drugs D: WTF was I thinking? But where do you draw the line? That's the hard bit to figure out...

As for age and stuff... I've decided not to have any email/txt buddies who haven't at least started college... and I'd prefer that they had already graduated... I'll still read younger people's blogs/face-books and stuff but only post things to encourage them to be happier... not sicker.

@Y.C. Phantomhive87 - thanks honey =] I'm glad to hear that at least two of you relate <3 Hope you're feeling better =] xoxo

Katy Love said...

Wow tobf this really struck home with me. Thanks for posting!

I've said a lot of this stuff before and everyone who's EDNOS always knows exactly what I mean. It seems like there's so many of us (but maybe that's because I'm on the forums so much) and yet we continue to get pushed aside, to make room for people with "real" ED's.

I think all we can do is be there for each other. And I think you're really strong for backing off from your friend so you don't trigger her. That's probably the absolute best way you can support her right now.

Stay safe <3

Ps I feel silly but- how do I follow your blog??

tobf said...

Don't feel silly... the little nav bar that used to display "follow" disappeared and I don't know why >.>

I've fixed it though <3 Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting :D

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