Vacation = Major Restriction Fail

I'm no longer in Ketosis.

I was when I woke up Saturday morning... so sometime between Saturday afternoon and Sunday I ate too much... probably too many nuts, and stopped burning fat as my major source of fuel. FAIL.


The vacation was alright. As time went on it got more and more stressful (thus more and more snacking... fatass me) IDK how I am doing weightwise... b/c I'm waiting until the first to step on my scales... Dear god, I hope I'm lower than I was last time, even if it's only .5 of a lb.

Lowlights of the vacation:

• Having an issue with a used item I purchased through an auction site. It arrived broken but the seller isn't going to refund me. Bitch...
• Mother complained a bit about the service to my sister and I at our table at a restaurant and was apparently overheard. The manager at the restaurant, rather than helping to defuse the problem made it 1000x worse. Antagonizing a customer is never a good thing so I can't be too disappointed in my mom, but it definitely put a downer on the whole experience. Having to parent a parent is never a good thing. 
• I feel like the catalyst of the above is me... I didn't go to the restaurant with them at the very start b/c I wanted to get a receipt to help me with my claim for the auction... I feel as though if I had been there from the start, I could have somehow defused the situation, or distracted the conversation... but b/c I arrived midway, it was too late. There is a bit more to this guilt, but I don't think I can post about it publicly without feeling I'm putting myself at risk of discovery.
• Mom made disparaging comments about my sisters weight... mostly as a joke, she doesn't really care if we are thin or fat.... (in fact I think she'd prefer it if we were both fat). It made me very angry. My sister doesn't seem to care but if I have a propensity for eating disorders... and strongly believe both my sister and mother to have disordered eating patterns... well, anything that might trigger my sister into this... I don't fucking want to see it. 

Highlights - weather was nice, it was relaxing. No in-fighting, which I am surprised about... Discovered a wonderful motivating piece... it's a bracelet - I'm buying it from another source (Way overpriced where I found it.... over $100 vs $15....) It's meant to go on your wrist but my aim is to be able to wear it on my upper arm within 2 years (for my Grad School Graduation). Caught lots of fish... and although I didn't keep to my plan, I didn't eat forbidden foods (like ice-cream, etc...) So, at least I showed SOME control. Oh, I also got all workouts in.

Have a plan in place for the first two weeks of August, but I'll post that with my August 1st weigh in.

Wonder if I can be back in Ketosis by the 1st (probably not until the 2nd ;( ) 

Purge...

Warning: This is a gross TMI type post... and potentially triggering.

I should have just gone to bed and waited to cook tomorrow morning... If I had followed that instinct, which I did have, I would have finished a 3 day fast without incident... but NOOOOOO, stupid fat bitch that I am had to worry about having enough time to exercise/cook before leaving for vacation, and while waiting for the cauliflower bread to cool... stupid fat bitch that I am decided to wait in the kitchen... which was just DUMB.

So... 300c in cheese... 230c in protein puffs... 50c in veggies... 130c in homemade chocolate.... 120c in pepperoni and 500-600c later in peanut butter... stupid fat bitch that I am finally decided to go upstairs and go to bed.

Then... I decided that if anytime was a time to try and practice purging... coming out of a 3 day water fast with that much shit in my stomach which would make me feel sick in a few hours anyway was the time...  So... I did, and happily (?) I managed to get a lot of it up this time (a first). I'm sure there is some left, I didn't puke 'til bile came out... but I'm sure at least 50% is gone... maybe even 75%. and most of what came up was the higher calorie stuff (chocolate, peanut butter, cheese). Also, happily despite being HIGH CALORIE (Fat fucking stupid cow) it was low carb, which means that my ketosis shouldn't be broken so even if I've fucked up any loss from today... tomorrow won't be starting over from ground 0 (no ketosis) So... yeah...

The truly good news is that although I'd count this as a fairly successful purge, it was not empowering... and it is still very effortful. I don't see myself falling into a habit of doing this. Fingers crossed this prediction is true. I'm fairly good at restricting atm... and it makes me feel good (in control, superior etc)... so the need to purge shouldn't arise often.

Week 4 of 'abc' reflection & Plans

Ok well, time to summarize.

avg calories burned: 2281

Steps: 12421

Physical Activity: 1:42 hrs per day (16min vigorous/86min moderate)

avg calories in: 425

Saturday I had a social event. I allowed for, and consumed as best as I can estimate, 1200calories... it was disgusting. On top of the sheer mass of food (all protein/fat but still) I was exposed to gluten. The good thing - it will give me an excuse to be super careful NO MATTER WHAT. because all I had was roasted meat, but clearly it was cut on or with something that was contaminated. 

And just in time! I have a family vacation coming up this week. We leave in two days. I was worried about being able to properly restrict, but after saturday I think I can justify whatever I do saying "dude... what's more important to you? That I spend my time on vacation eating out with you all and then potentially being bed ridden for 2-3 days... or that I be able to enjoy the activities we have planned?" This makes me happy... now if only I can manage to really pull it off. 

I plan to eat out at least 1-2x (and have the rest of the food as left-overs the following day)... it will all be steamed, b/c I truly feel that it is probably the safest way for food to be cooked for me... that or pan-fried but ew ;( 

Planned Calorie Allowance: 

M: 200

T: 0

W: 500

Th: 800

F: 800

Sa: 800

Sun: 400

HOWEVER, I fasted today (Monday) and will fast again tomorrow (3 days in a row! feels good <3) so, I have 200c that I will allow myself to play with on Wednesday/Sunday. 

What I've purchased so far for the trip...

• Cauliflower to make LF Cauliflower bread with (Egg whites/ground cauliflower that has been de-moisturized and spice... no cheese).
• Egg whites (for above, and breakfasts...)
• 13g Flax per day (I may bake this into the bread actually... undecided, need to do some calculations)
• Gluten Free Deli Meat for lunch 
• 4 pre-packaged packets of Tuna/Salmon (2 each 70~90c each) - they don't need to be kept cold, so if I need them, they are there, but they won't go to waste if I don't. 
• Yellow Mustard for the sandwiches 
• Kay's Naturals Protein Puffs (may not actually have any... they have grains in them :( I thought they were grain free, but now they are quite low on the 'semi-safe' status list)
• 1 Zucchini
• 1 Cucumber
• 1 Green Pepper (all three above are to be snack foods for the trip to the place + 50c hummus... not yet purchased)
• 3 Roma tomatoes (for sandwiches)

What's left that I've planned: 

• pre-packaged 63c hummus dip (3g fat, 1g fibre, 6g protien, 3g carb) 
• 70c String Cheese (Tomato Basil Flavor... omg so good, hope I can get my co-travelers to eat most of it ._.) 

Dinners out will be seafood I think. Shrimp/Scallops maybe... generally low cal. Maybe I can convince them to go to a chinese place and get steamed veg/shrimp or something hmm. 

I weighed in on Sunday rather than today. Was worried that after a fast day it would be unrealistically low, and therefore demoralizing when I came back from the trip. in 6 days I lost 1.7lbs, -1.1 from fat. Not so hot :( That said, it was a weigh in after a massive meal, and a gluten exposure (read bloat) so... idk, maybe it isn't too bad. It's the right direction at least. 

I want to weigh in the morning before we leave, but that will be after 3 days of fasting, so I don't think that's a good idea, which means only 1 weigh in this week :/ *nervous* 

Monday next week will be a fast, then 500c for the next 8 days... I'm not abandoning the calorie cycling plan I've been doing, just putting it on hold. I want to do a protein shake fast August 1-7th like I did at the start of each month last year. Fingers crossed... I'll be <21 BMI by the start of the protein fast (August 1st ... unlikely, but maybe...) And <20BMI halfway through August. (2nd or 3rd week?)

After that, I'll need to do ~2 free meals sadly (leaving party [i'm moving far far away] and US Birthday) :( UCH and 1 after that (Real Birthday)... So long as I'm back <20 BMI before classes start though... I guess it will be ok.

Alright, that's enough rambling! Time to lift some weights :3

Social Media Management...?

Someone who has been referred to this site by the social media job website cul____ dot com... (not going to write even the whole website name out of fear it would bring more traffic from it...)would you please leave a comment and tell me why you are being sent here? It's creeping me out to see so many page hits from a site that I don't know anything about...

I don't want to take this blog down... but I know that there are companies out there that like do PI work to figure out who is blogging what, or investigate people's FB pages and stuff... and I *really* don't want to risk having that happen to me. So, someone please tell me why in the world is a 'social media management job' site sending you my way?

Angry at Food

Well, the good news for today is that I have successfully NOT BINGED despite experiencing a number of stressors that easily could have triggered one.

I dreamed about 'binging' (I put in in quotes, b/c in the dream I only had like 5 spoonfuls of ice-cream from a gallon, and if it were a real binge I would have eaten it all...) and purging (which I cannot successfully do, and wish I could sometimes...) The dream well, hah, let's just say... I felt super empowered in the dream because not only did I manage to purge all of the ice-cream out, but also food that must have been 'ok' for me to eat, but like from hours before b/c while the ice-cream part was recognizable and still tasted (yes, I tasted the vomit in my dream...) like ice-cream as it had only been in me for minutes, the other stuff that came up did not taste like food anymore. I'm guessing this is b/c I watched a documentary that had information about a bulimic who can purge without even doing anything but bending over... Anyway, I woke up quite disturbed... but also jealous of the dream me.

I was supposed to go running today before work, but the dream put me out of sorts, so I ended up hitting snooze a couple times, hoping to forget it... ended up having to cook lunch/breakfast WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE LEAVING, so I was late...

Then I forgot that the road to work was closed... that I had to take an alternative route (more late) so I rushed... and nearly got into a car accident. I may have damaged one of my tires/put the front axel out of alignment... so so much for waking up early and going on my usual LONG walk on off days... I gotta go to the dealership and see if my car is ok (MONEY I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO WASTE). At least there are some hilly areas near it... I'll walk while I wait for them to check my car.

Add on top of that some assholes at work... and well, by lunch I was all wrung up in the way that often causes me to think 'fuck it' and binge. Almost did too... I have some semi-safe snack foods I bought last week at work... b/c the snack food I had prepared the night before one evening for a high-calorie day didn't store well... and I had one (70c). Then I thought "Hmmm... I could have another. I've already fucked today up, I'm over by 70c on a 400c day!" but then I decided to drink a glass of water and think... and I decided that instead of the 100c dinner I was supposed to have, I'd have nothing. If i could make it through the rest of the work day (6 more hours) I could have a coffee with yummy SF Syrup as the remaining 30c (which is probably an over-estimate as it is black other than the SF Syrup)

It was close a couple times but I kept on telling myself to "Starve the stress, don't feed it". Seemed to work... Had my coffee, had a Jack3d before my workout... felt a little woozy during it, and decided I don't fucking care. IDK if it's b/c of the recent surge in salt I've had b/c I've used soy sauce two days in a row and had a bunch of pickles last night, but I was so fucking puffy in my stomach today... and yesterday too. and I can't stand it. It's disgusting...  Also, I weighed in yesterday and showed a 1.5 lb gain in body fat... which is physically impossible... but still, upsetting to see.

So I don't care if I damage my heart, I don't care if I don't make it past 35... I will be skinny. I'm so fucking sick of being fat it isn't even funny. Obviously I don't want to die... and I don't want to get so sick I have to go IP... But ugh.. I just feel so gross, and I'm tired of it. And I hate food so much... I wish I could exist without it. Just live on pills and powders for the rest of my life.

At the gym one of the attendants at the desk was eating a sandwich and I just wanted to throw it on the floor. There is some candy in our back room at work, and I want to flush it down the toilet... tomorrow is supposed to be a 1200c day, and I'm going to try really hard to eat at least 800... 300 for breakfast (which is making me freak out... I don't want it... but the calorie cycling thing, I have to give it another week or two at least before I abandon it), and idk how much at the social event i have to go to which is why it's so high, but enough that no one will raise an eyebrow... because some of the people there are in the medical profession, and have expressed concern about my weight loss before.... BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS STARVE.

 I am so angry at food right now, all of the stress and frustration from today is being directed at it... and I know it's fucking ridiculous and makes me crazy. But seriously, fuck food.

Mixed Bag

I only burned 2218 calories today... and, although I stayed under my goal intake (500), I switched up what I ate and feel guilty about that too... It was a package of Kay's Natural's protein puffs... something that is on the "pseudo safe" list... and I had them in front of my housemates in order to appear as if I was snacking... all to keep up appearances... it has lots of fibre and protein in it too, so all things considered, I should be ok with it... but idk, it's been bothering me all day.

The burn... it should be sufficient to be pleased. My minimum goal per day is 2000, and today was an off day... and I spent a lot of time studying (I have summer courses I have to do for my graduate school)... which means lots of time sitting/laying down (since I don't like desks much...) So really, 2200 is good, but it doesn't feel good :(

So... here I am, feeling glutinous and lazy... but also a bit happy, because it means I'm getting deeper into restriction and exercise... and that means I will be thin again. So... boo/yay?

Currently re-watching the anorexic bits of Super Size v Super Skinny Season 3. <3 Fiona... and Ashley too. really all of them. it's without a doubt my favorite season.

Tip #12 - Micronutrient Series #3 - Potassium

One of the leading causes of death in Eating Disordered Individuals is cardiac arrest. Now, this happens for a number of reasons... one being that the heart muscle, just like most organs, atrophies as a result of starvation... BUT, another reason is because of low potassium levels...


Things that cause low potassium are of course restriction, but also excessive fluid loss from laxative abuse, purging, and over exercising. Low potassium in blood is often one of the things health professionals use to diagnose an eating disorder... it's a pretty big deal, and a very common problem...


Even for people who are not eating disordered but are following a restrictive diet, potassium is something worth keeping tabs on. Here are some of the facts.


RDI: 4700mg (Source: About halfway down) 


Benefits from getting enough: Regular heart beat, lower blood pressure and lessen the adverse effects of salt on blood pressure, may reduce the risk of developing kidney stones, and possibly decrease bone loss.


Low potassium = risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, arthritis, cancer, digestive disorders, and infertility. For people with low potassium, doctors sometimes recommend improved diets -- or potassium supplements -- to prevent or treat some of these conditions. (Source)


Exceptions: People with kidney problems may need to follow a reduced potassium diet as the kidneys are crucial in keeping your blood levels stable, and like anything... too much is a bad thing. (Source) 


Signs you have low potassium: (Source) 

• Weakness, tiredness, or cramping in arm or leg muscles, sometimes severe enough to cause inability to move arms or legs due to weakness (much like a paralysis)

• Tingling or numbness

• Nausea or vomiting

• Abdominal cramping, bloating

• Constipation

• Palpitations (feeling your heart beat irregularly)

• Passing large amounts of urine or feeling very thirsty most of the time

• Fainting due to low blood pressure

• Abnormal psychological behavior:depression, psychosis, delirium, confusion, or hallucinations.

(The cramps SUCK... I've had them ;( )

So... what can you do? Well, you can take Potassium Chloride supplements. I do, especially on fasting days. I still don't get enough... usually between 1200~1500mg on fast days.. but it's better than nothing. generally I take 300mg at a time, and try to spread it out at least 2 hrs apart. 

Of course the better solution is to eat properly :p Here are some foods that have at least 250mg of potassium in them per serving. 

My personal favorites are:

Coconut water: 46c, 600mg potassium per cup. (Only bad thing is all calories are from carbs :( )

Maccha (Green Tea Powder): 15c, 130mg potassium per tsp.

Cocoa Powder: 12c, 80mg potassium per tbsp.

All of these have other benefits attached to them as well. It's all about getting the most bang outta the caloric buck :3

Monday Weigh in

From Saturday 7th to Monday 16th (8 days of loss) I lose 2.8 lbs, 2.6 from fat. This is 1 lb less than the math would predict, as my net was AVG Net: -1942. It also is results without a BM... so who knows, maybe the next weigh in will be stellar. 

The happy news is it means I am <22 BMI and down another % point in BF. only 15 lbs left before I am at the maximum body fat I ever want to have.... EVER AGAIN. 

Plan for this week: 

Monday: 600c, Run 8 intervals, 30min pilates

Tuesday: Fast, Walk at least 3 miles, weights (1 handed = 2 lbs two handed = 4 lbs)

Wednesday: 500c, Run 10 intervals (for fitocracy achievement and b/c it's off day), Pilates

Thursday: 300c walk at least 3 miles, weights. 

Friday: 400c  Run 8 intervals, Pilates

Saturday: Up to 1200c, walk 3-4 hrs BEFORE the party... Weights Before or after party. NO CARBS

Sunday: Fast, Yoga (new "off day" activity), burn at least 2000c


New Rule: For ever stick of gum/diet soda/pickle/<10c item you randomly allow yourself to have, you must do 10 jumping jacks before bed.... 


speaking of which, time to do 50!

Food for Thought

Myth 4: Anorexics look in the mirror and see a fat person.

Of course they don't. They're not stupid, however much they might give the impression of being so. You look in the mirror and see your ribs with their thinly stretched coating of papery skin; you see every hump of the spine if you bend over; you see the elbows thicker than the arms above them, and the dark hole between the bee-stings where your breasts might have been.

You see all this, but what you care about will be some tiny, specific aspect of your body that has always to be more and more pared away: the inner thighs must be more and more fleshless, say; or you have to be able to encompass your wrist with the other hand with more and more empty space to spare; or, as for me, your tummy has to be flatter and flatter, more and more concave, less and less like a tummy at all, in fact. Anorexia isn't body dysmorphia; the focus on minutiae is what lets you look in the mirror and still be spurred on further in your quest for a bodily ideal that involves thinness. (When something does force you to see the whole, it can be shocking: one of the steps in my progress towards ‘saying no' to starvation was trying on a ball gown in a changing room and seeing the Dachau contours of my spindle arms and scrawny neck and bony bust emerging from the rich chocolately shot silk of a dress I could never wear without horrifying anyone who saw me, nor could ever have any occasion to wear, since I never went out of an evening, because I needed all the evening hours for my bleak lonely routines of drinking and eating. It made me cry.) (Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hunger-artist/200908/five-anorexia-myths-exploded  - Added bold for emphasis)

I think this is very true, at least in my experience. Not that I've ever actually gotten low enough to be anorexic... but at my lowest I had a waist of 25" and yet the image of myself (specifically my inner thighs and hips....) made me feel sick to my stomach [which was a good thing, less desire to eat haha]. And now, that I'm a bit bigger... all I need to do to spur myself to exercise or keep up with my promise of a fast (today is one btw, may temptation stay at bay!) is go look at myself in the mirror.

And like she says in the article, it isn't that you don't see other things... I see that right now, I look tired all the time. I see that I have dark circles under my eyes. In the past, I saw that my sternum was prominent and that there were hallows that didn't belong... Sometimes these things, these signs of thinness made me happy, but there were occasions they disturbed me... but when I was disturbed rather than feeling accomplished, it was quickly overshadowed by the fact that my inner thighs still touched... that there was excess skin on my upper arms... etc. Focus quickly shifts to the 'trigger points' on my body, and then nothing else matters.

Anyway... that's it for thoughts today. In other news, -2.1 lbs overall, -0.7 in fat from Wednesday and that's without a BM... Here's hoping for revised goal #1 by next weigh in! (Monday or Tuesday...)

What Fat Represents (To me)

I touched on this topic a bit in the the rant I have posted under "A blog for likeminded people"...  but part of the ED mind is to twist body image into a physical representation of something that you hate about yourself, or something that you feel insecure about.

If I am fat, I have no self control...
If I am fat, I am worthless.
If I am fat, I am wasteful, and thus a waste.
If I am fat, I feel I are too much of a burden on the world.
If I am fat, I am greedy.
If I am fat, I am a failure...


It's best summed up by the 'motivational' quote "An imperfect body reflects and imperfect person." 

I've mentioned before, but I am a member on a forum filled with EDed individuals... and we had a whole thread about this. Nearly 20 members listed off what they meant when they said they felt fat...

Anyway, since I've decided to start this journal up again, I thought I would kinda "back post" some of the things I was writing in my safer journal - the one on those boards... because I want to give a clear, real image of what goes on in at least my head. Only writing about the losses, and the highs of this roller coaster is misrepresentative... and perhaps dangerous for others.

Comments

As Promised... responses to most recent comments (which go back to March this year...)




"I'm too big :/ 68kg for 1m69 :/" on "size 0" 


You're in the healthy range at least my dear. But I totally get being uncomfortable in your own skin even when that is the case. I hope you can find a weight/size you are happy with <3 Much love and wishing you the best of luck in finding that. 


"beyonce has great larger legs" it is sad that we're so brainwashed we think beyonce's legs are large. on Legs... 


Brainwashed? Honestly, I didn't even know b/c I don't pay attention to celebrities much... so I just looked it up. On ever pic I saw, she had quite full thighs. Not overweight of course, but they certainly aren't representative of what most women her size look like. 


I do not think any of those girls look too thin. People these days seem to have a warped view of how overweight is 'healthy'. They're all gorgeous legs. on Legs... 


Yep... though that's to be expected in a country where 61% of the population is overweight. Sad isn't it :( 


I just read through all the archives and found a whole bunch of good ideas. I hope you are ok. {patti} on Ugh...


Glad you've found some inspiration here. I hope you try to be as kind to your body as you can be though. Just wanted to let you know, it's your comment that made me decide to start up again =] Thank you!


WELCOME BACK TOBF!!!! :) I know you said you didnt think people where reading this! well i have had your blog saved in my bookmark page since about april last year :P! So..it is read! :) xXx on I'm back, for real this time.


No shit, really? That's so close to when I started. *blush blush* I've started following your blog btw, but anon. You come off as being quite healthy in your weightloss journey, I don't want people to be concerned about you if they happen to find my blog attached to yours ._.

Quick post laxative update.

In summary... disappointing.

I'm up a lb from Saturday. The only good thing is I'm down 1 lb of FAT since saturday, so I'm guessing the extra weight is probably from some of the water balance issues laxatives cause... and that I will see good numbers all around next time I weigh in.

Fast today. Also... going to look into what KIND of fibre I'm getting mostly. If it' all soluble and to lots of insoluble... that might explain things. idk... I just hate taking laxatives at all. Though I don't think in this case, it was abuse since I only had 1/2 dose, and was truly in need.

Thought of the day - If food were pure, we wouldn't need to do #2. There wouldn't be any waste to get rid of.

Note: To those who think they want an ED - Do you really want to be this obsessed with poop? You will be... 

K... will be responding to comments that were posted in my absence and writing about a few other things tonight I think =]

Stay strong! I know I'll have to. About to go on a 5mile walk... then do my 30x15 different exercises... and as I said before, today is a fast day!

Still can't weigh in...

Urgh! Despite having 30g of fibre yesterday, no love this morning in the lady's room so... I can't weigh in, which is making me nervous. I think I'll have to take some laxatives tonight... fucking hate this shit, but the damage of seeing my body weight + waste will just be too high...

All I can think about, all I have thought about the last two hours, is how full I feel even though I haven't had anything yet today. So tempted to fast, but that is for tomorrow... must stick with the plan. *ugh ugh ugh*. Worst part is, a BM will happen today... just not in time for me to weigh in...

in the mean time, I think I will measure my waist/hips/bust to see if there has been any progress... mathematically I should have lost ~5lbs of fat by now since the last measurement, and that was when I wanted to use the tape measure next anyway.
...

-.75" from bust
-.75" from waist
-1.0" from hips

so... down roughly 1 size in about 2 weeks. Wish I knew the fat% and weight... but at least that's something!

Time to go run! Guess I'll do my pilates tonight after work since I'll need to cook once I'm done. *sigh*

I'm back, for real this time.

For a while I was thinking of just taking the journal down. The whole idea of others getting sick b/c of what I've written just makes me sad. At the same time, there are similar journals that I go back to periodically and re-read and find some sort of comfort in (not that this one has that sort of notoriety or popularity but still...) so, instead.. I wrote a bit of an explanation about who this blog is for... something that will hopefully be read by anyone who reads this journal. 

I don't think it will honestly make a difference for most people... but just in case, above you can see here's my take on the so you want an eating disorder rant trend.... 

In other news. I'm a fatty (big suprise). Since February... I lost some weight, went to a wedding/important interview, got into a grad school program (yay) and then went out of control and barely fit into any of my clothing anymore... it's PATHETIC. 

So... today marks the start of week 3 get skinny before school quest. Week one didn't go perfect, but week two more or less did... I have yet to weigh in (Mondays = judge how the week went days) b/c I still haven't had a BM... and I refuse to let bodily waste confound the results ._.

I won't be posting actual numbers yet... I'm too embarrassed by my mass atm. but basically... my goal is to be back in the 19.x BMI range before September, and it should be doable.

So... the plan? Click read more to see.