Binge, Shame & Triggers

breaking the cycle for now... thus able
to post about it ._.

I've said it before, though not exactly where... but anyway, I'm moving out of the country very soon. And where I'm going, it isn't a very GF Friendly country. Gluten Intolerance is far less common in that part of the world, so they don't do as much for it... and anyway, the thought of not being able to find GF easy sources of carbohydrates put me into a bit of a tail spin. So here I am, on a sunday morning, not having weighed in and I won't be... because I'm on a carb hang over, and too afraid of what the water weight will show. And even perhaps a fat gain.... Disgusting ._.

I've been disgusting. I've most definitely had in the last few days more than I did in the last month, and it makes me sick to my stomach. No more. I wasn't even hungry half of the time... I just felt justified because it wouldn't be available anymore soon. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to weigh in I guess.

While going about getting my Visa I had to make a trip into the nearest major city, Boston, to go to the local embassy for the country I'm moving to. Standard stuff really. While I was there, I saw an add for a hospital run study re: eating disorders and well... here it is.

It, coupled with some stories I've heard from other girls either in the past or very recently (like the same day I saw it the first time recently) caused me to feel very strongly that this advert represents everything that is wrong with ED related treatment/lack there of. I can't tell you how many times I've heard girls say they want to get help, but are afraid they won't be taken seriously because of their weight... or how much it sickens me that the average bulimic only gets weeks of inpatient treatment in contrast to months for an anorexic... that people are denied help when they ask for it, and told that they will get it "if they get to an underweight BMI".

I'm writing a letter to the study... explaining all this. How wrong their advert is, how sickening it is that out of the 5 studies they are currently doing on EDs, only one of them isn't directly related to anorexia (it's related to sleep related eds)... and that I find it entirely pathetic that the physical result of the behaviors has more bearing on diagnoses and treatment/research eligibility than the behaviors that define what is generally classified as a PSYCHOLOGICAL/BEHAVIORAL disorder.

I'm still revising the letter... and honestly haven't decided if I'll post it here or not (it will probably depend on if the researchers respond, and what their response is...). I know that it won't change anything in a broad and overarching way... it's probably pointless. BUT, maybe... just maybe, it will open the eyes of the team who is behind this ad at least... maybe it will inspire one study, even just one, that deals with early detection and treatment... and if anything like that happened because of a rant I wrote... well, that would be a wonderful thing, even if it was only small.

Comments and Weigh in

Stats:

Weight: 135.8 (-1lb since last time)
Fat: 29.5 (+3 lbs since last two times, but I noted they were probably inaccurate... was when I was supposed to have my period so I think that might have messed with my scale)

So, overall I'm not displeased. From before the -4lb change in Body Fat, I've lost 1.5 lbs, and I think taht is a far more realistic number... so although it would have been LOVELY to have really dropped 4-5 lbs of fat in half a week, I'm not freaking.

I've gotten back into the habit of stepping on and off my scale 5 times and then selecting the most consistent values as my official weigh in. OCDish behaviors 4-the-win. *sigh*

Comments:

Patti- I published both because replying in public (only way for me to reach out to you) to something others can't see seems strange to me. If you want to delete either one you can, now that they are published, but I don't think you should. Your points are valid, not preachy at all... and honestly, I want realism to be part of this journal, not some idealized picture of EDs that promotes the stupid idea that they aren't any consequences to the behaviors... Also, you weren't telling me how to run my life, and I think you also realize that a lot of the time we are driven to engage in behaviors without feeling that we have a choice... Anyway, I didn't feel judged or upset by the comment, and feel it adds valid content to the blog =]

The fact is, purging is a very VIOLENT thing to do to the body. Aside from the long term effects of acid on the esophagus (Anyone fancy bleeding to death from rupturing their insides?) and the heart/low potassium etc... Plenty of people, I'm sure a number of the ones you mentioned arriving DOA, simply choke on their own vomit... It's a disgusting thing to do, it takes (sadly) a lot of practice to be effective (Which probably means a lot of gain before loss)... it often increases the frequency of binges because you tell yourself you can fix it after... I really don't see many positives. Very few of the bulimics I've spoken with are happy in their disorder. Most are very jealous of restrictive types...

So, basically, to anyone reading this that is thinking "oh, I should try that." I'd recommend not. Not even for the health reasons (which are plenty) but because it will probably only increase your self-hate/body issues/feeling of dirtiness etc.

Ava - I don't think I'm binging more often b/c of purging, and the one thing I've managed with the binging is to keep it so that I am still in deficit which is good... I need to stop though, it makes me feel mentally like crap after, as you know :( I think it's more b/c I'm trying to do too much each day... what with getting ready to move and all. Pre-enrollment classes. I think that once I'm done with work, and can focus just on the moving part of this all, it should stop being as much of a temptation.

numbers numbers...

Decided to play with some numbers... Trying to get used to thinking in KG too... I'll always think in lbs of course, but being able to switch between the two with a bit more ease sure would be nice.

KG      →      LBS                BMI

62 kg →　136.4              20.7 Guessing I'm going to be around here on Wednesday (Fingers Crossed)

59kg  →　129.8               19.7   Before September Please...

57kg  →    125.4              19.0  Before October ends Please.... (~Back to where I was last year... New LW!)

55kg  →    121                   18.4 Underweight (Before January Please)

53kg  →    116.6                17.7 Underweight enough 1 mistake won't make me be 'healthy' again.

52kg  →    114.4               17.4 Finally anorexic

51kg   →     112.2                17.0 (Ideal center to mainteance range?)

50kg →     110                   16.7 UGW

45kg →     99                  15 Just curious 

(saw a tumblr girl who was 5'8" and 100.8... rounded down to nearest KG to see what BMI that would be)

Missing purple...

Binged... purged (but not enough - lost ketosis thus the title) on Sunday. It was disgusting... I was running the shower to help cover up the noise and decided I might as well just go about it in there (i've read of others doing the same)... didn't think to bring something in with me to catch it all in... though after a little I did... so yeah, not giving any tips on how to go about making yourself vomit (not good enough at it anyway to give anything useful, but I never would anyway....) but I will say this - don't think it will go down the drain... if you decide to purge in the shower, bring a bucket or something.

Told myself last month that as long as I don't try to do this more than 2x a month I'm ok with it... results are so shit anyway that it really isn't worth it... and so long as I stay at that limit or below I doubt I'll ever get good enough at it for it to be so... just going to do my best to stick with restricting. Bulimia is so unappealing anyway... I never want to turn to that 100%. AN B/P Subtype wouldn't be *so* bad, but restriction subtype > all.... so time to get in gear fatass...

Been going over calories nearly every day by at least 200 (so 700-800 instead of 500-600). If  I can't get myself back in the swing of <600 by Thursday I think I'll plan up to 800 now even though it's early... better to plan, and eat safe things than not and eat shit. *sigh* maybe after a week of 800 I'll be strong enough to go down lower again, depending on where weight is...

Rewards Schedule and Calorie increase plan (tentative)

Once I get to my short-term goal for fall I feel I ought to slow things down... I will continue to lose, but not at such a frantic pace. So... while this is similar to this time last year when I was planning the same thing and hoping to just find a balancing point where I could maintain, I am not looking for that anymore. I just think I should be ok with losing at a more sustainable rate. A rate which I can keep up over time. The idea of allowing the number of calories I'm thinking (eventually) is scary as hell, but because each increase will only come with certain achievements, I won't go from losing to gaining significantly... the math at least says it would be impossible.

So...

The Key Weights (Significant mile markers in my head) Are all UNDER

132 -20    (I want to be here by September)
125 - 19
121 18.5  (I want to be here by January)
118 - 18
115 - 17.5
110 - ugw

Until 132, I want to continue having a deficit of 1500 or greater. So, 500-600c per day.
After that, a rate of 1.5-2lbs down per week (vs 3 or so...) seems ok. So, I'll jump up to 800c.
The next jump would be at 125, to 1200, and then at 121 to 1600 (Probably not going to happen. That is too much but maybe even if I can manage that once a week it would be good...)

Here's the reasoning:

I require myself to burn at least 2000c a day. Usually I am closer to 2200-2500. But, usually isn't good enough, we will base it off of requirements... Anyway, I figure, once I am at 18.5 BMI, losing quite slowly (.5 or less per week) should be my goal. I don't want to land myself in hospital, though I also don't want to gain... and I do want to be underweight enough (eventually anorexic enough) that glass of water won't be enough to tank... that I'd need at least a liter or two to hide it on the scale.

Anyway... I figure, so long as I eat at least 20% LESS than I burn, I should still lose... even if it's super slow. So that is where the 1600 cap comes from... Then, I figure from 132... I can do 50% of that cap, and from 125 I can be at 75% of that cap... which, again, is where those numbers come from.

Actual plan, because while jumping from 600 to 800 won't be too hard, 800 to 1200... and anything over 1200 seems impossible so... Here's a more detailed breakdown...

<132 - 800 (New Absolute Minimum...)
<130 - 900
<128 - 1000
<126 - 1100
<125 - 1200 (New Absolute Minimum...)
<123 - 1300
<122 - 1400
<121 - 1500~1600

After I'm 120.x, maintaining a week or two in a row... I want to be able to deal. not with gaining though.

Anyway, rewarding past achievements is lame... so no rewards until 124.9 or less. I'm thinking...

124.9 - A Gloomy bear T-Shirt
120.9 - Eye Lash extensions or a super cool manicure
114.9 - If before New Years (not my goal, but it would be possible) - Can take advantage of one of the super sale bags that is available during this time of the year where I am moving.  (usually you get like $500 of product for 100 or so...)

Of course... I write this all right after a 500c binge. FATFATFATTY. ugh.

Weekly Weigh In

SW: 138.8
EW: 137.1
EBF%: 19.54%
BF lost: -5.3 (IMPOSSIBLE)
BMI: 20.8




Ok so... Reaction - not freaking possible. On Saturday I weighed in at 137.5 with BF of 30.9. Today BF read 26.8 There is no way my body lost 4.1lbs of fat in 4 days. It is simply impossible. So... I'm annoyed. Fact is, I've probably lost more overall weight this week, which will become apparent next mid-week weigh in (Sat or Sun depending on BM...) because a body simply cannot lose 4 lbs of fat, and gain 3.6 lbs of muscle, in 4 days.

I'm guessing I've retained water somewhere. TOTM would be about now if I still had it, so maybe that's what it's from? This is only my 2nd month without so... yeah, guessing that's it.

What else... roommate came up to me while I was running today and said

"So, a friend of mine thought you should go to a homeopathic dr. for your eating issues."
"Eating issues?"
"Yeah your eating disorder?"
"I don't have an eating disorder..."
"Whatever, your gluten intolerance. Whatever you want to call it."
(in my head) FUUUUUUUUUCK

If I didn't have an ED, wouldn't my head have just made the jump to the GI issues? I'm such a moron :(

Refeeding solids starts today. 300~350ish c in protein, 150~160 in veg (veggie bag will be 150, gonna allow a pickle or two as well).

Countdown...!

Tomorrow I go into a nearby city to get my visa for my upcoming move. I cannot wait...

• I also have to weigh in...
• run/do weight lifting before I go...
• Get some meat ready for making into jerky!
• Measure out at least one veggie bag (for the day)
• make sure to bring something for a friend of mine in the city who I will meet after my appointment at the visa office (we are meeting specifically to make this trade)
• hopefully find out a cheaper way to ship shit to my new home... right now I'm looking at between 500-1000 US and that's just not an amount I readily have.

What else... Oh, so... I speak the language of the country I am going to (somewhat... not perfect). I found a diet blogging community (not EDed) they have... and have started posting there. Kinda fun to write about (some of) this sort of stuff in another language!

Guess I should sleep. Busy busy day!

p.s. joining this challenge on another blog. Hoping that linking it might drive more relevant traffic my way :3 She has 400+ followers (JEALOUS) I'd love to be worth following to that many people. Then again, she's tiny and I'm not. (About to find out actually I guess... this is an update just before my weigh in!)

Random (unweightloss related!!!) thoughts

A little whimsical thinspo for ya'll since at least something has to be pretty/relevant to the blog in this post eh?

Changed comments so that they have to be approved to be posted on the site. This isn't b/c I really mind if someone offensive is said to me. I will probably still post it so long as it is at least slightly intelligent. It is b/c that way, if you want to say something just to me, but not to the world you can. Just let me know if you DONT want me to publish it publicly, mkay?

And... idk, I'm weird and actually look at the stats for the hits i get on a nearly daily basis. Today, one of the search terms that brought someone to the blog was "I'm fasting, should I take potassium?" Made me smile for some reason =] Just in case that person comes back... The answer is if it's an extended fast and you're still being active, you probably should. If it's short and you're not sweating a lot, you probably don't NEED to, but it still wouldn't hurt as long as you space it out.

It's nice to think that maybe there is SOME actually helpful (rather than harmful) information to be found here... anyway... Peace Out lovelies. Gonna try to sleep another hour before exercising.

(Note: couldn't get back to sleep so added this...) Oh. Also... if you are in the US and have the opportunity to do so... Please participate in kiss more chicks day! I am not a lesbian... but the national 'chick filet day' made me want to vomit... and not b/c their food is FUCKING DISGUSTING. The sad thing is I think most of the people I saw participating in it probably didn't even know what the real issue was... though who can blame them, lots of news reports on the topic are failing to cover the whole story. It isn't just that Cathy has bigoted thoughts... if that was all it was, then whatever. I'd actually be all for the gesture on Wednesday if it were truly about freedom of thought and speech, even if it's protecting the freedom to have really dumb opinions... but it isn't just about that. Cathy has donated MILLIONS of dollars to anti-LGBT rights groups.


at least the LA times had the decency to point to this report... (a few others did too... but this was the most unbiased source I could find that actually pointed to the donation issue...)

I've posted about similar things before... (Gold's Gym specifically)  and well... in summary here's my thought on the matter of personal freedom... you are free to do whatever you please and think whatever you want so long as it doesn't infringe on another person's freedom to do the same goddamned thing. i.e. you want to be a bigot and bitch about traditional family values - fine. You want to use your money and influence to block another person's civil rights... NOT OK.

Two things I'd like to ask those who believe in the anti-gay marriage movement... they are kinda related but...

1. How does it hurt you/your faith if someone else does something that contradicts it?
2. Is forcing someone to do the 'biblically correct' thing really moral/right in gods eyes? Aren't we supposed to be BEYOND the age of law? I thought the whole POINT of Christ's coming and going and coming again was to eradicate the law, and make religion/holiness accessible on the INDIVIDUAL level. if you take away the choice to do what is 'right', does that really count?

btw... Comparative Religion was one of my majors... So I'm not just talking out of my ass here...

/rant off.

August 1st Update

-2.9, but only -1.1 from fat since last weigh in. All things considered this is probably something I should be happy about. Fucking vacation binge.

Fat attack started today! Two major things changed to make me say that.

1. Today marks the first of a 7 day protein fast. 500c in =] all as liquid protein drinks. I was going to allow 600c... but I think 500 sounds good, so I'll stick with that.

2. Changed my running up a bit. New interval pattern = 3mph 4mph 5mph 6mph 5mph 4mph (1min each, x7). My aim is to be doing a 5k in 40 min by the end of the month... and in 33min by the end of September.... though I may change that... BECAUSE

My future classmates (starting grad school this September... ABROAD CANNOT FKN WAIT) have suggested that we do a marathon together... We have about 6 months to train (it would be sometime in February...)  I wonder if that's enough time ;( Anyway, I have about a month to decide, so I'll base my descision on how the next 3 weeks of intervals goes, and how quickly I am able to increase the 6mph duration... Basically... I think I'd want that to be the majority of my pace for the run so that I could finish it in <5 hrs. (I edited this b/c I'M a RETARD and thought marathons were 25km not 26.whatever MILES sorry...). anyway, a <5 hr marathon would be quite an accomplishment since atm I can only manage a 42min 3.11miles lol. IDK, are any of you runners? is 6 months enough time... hmmm, I may have to ask my fitocracy friends :3

So... what else. July was ok, I guess. -9.9 lbs, -7.5 from fat. If I can duplicate those results I'll be able to cross of all but 2 (perhaps... maybe 1...) of my short-term goals, for-which the deadline is before september in my mind... though I guess as long as it's before the end of september I can be 'ok' with it.

I can't remember if I wrote the timeline I'd like to see out or not but... basically... If I can be <132.0 and <18% BF before Sept. I'll be happy. Repeating the loss I had this month would put me at 128.8 and 19.1% BF...

<122 (<18.5) is my GW for New Years Eve 2013. Assuming (large assumption) I do repeat last months results this month... that would mean I'd only have to lose 7 lbs in 3 months. That's quite slow for me actually... I'm fast to gain and fast to lose... BUT, I think it's a good thing. I'd like to accomplish that rate... BECAUSE, I really hate the cold heavy duty restriction causes... so losing slowly during the cooler months suits me just fine, so long as I still lose.

I've already started dreaming up calorie limits and deficit goals and stuff... when what calories will be consumed etc... but it's premature to speak of such things just yet. Let's get the short-term goals taken care of first silly girl... then the future plotting may begin.

Also Cammie, Thank you for the comment. I <3 <3 <3 getting them xo