Airport Drama

 

Response to Comments: Thanks for the follow Bella! and Yeah... can't deal without my food scales. 3 years ago it was so much of a dependance that I brought them with me when I ate out... I would pick apart salads in public and figure out exactly how much of each vegetable was in them... Happily not that out of control about it anymore, but yes... volume is not reliable at all, and if I am going by eyeball I always significantly over-estimate to make sure it's safe. If I want to do a precision meal plan like 02468, I need to measure/cook everything.

Post: I spent much of the last 24 hrs in either planes or airports, and something that struck me as interesting is how different the experience is when I’m in binging COE mode and when I’m in restrictive mode. For example, the last few times I flew I was still in binge mode. I had brought some protein powder with me, just in case I couldn’t find anything to eat in the airport or on my way to my destination after landing, but when I went through security they opened it to check what it was and spilled it everywhere (by mistake). I just shrugged, and went and bought some dried fruits (which is basically like candy… ew!) and a sugary milk-tea drink… and when I landed at my destination I got chocolate covered almonds, a rice ball or two, and some cheese… it wasn’t a big deal.

           

            What was a big deal (different trip I think) was when the stewardess gave my gluten free special ordered meal to the wrong person, and they ate it before they came round to serve me something normal (I figured this person had a vegan meal or something….). I fucking FLIPPED OUT. Like, made a scene, demanded some type of re-imbursement, felt embarrassed about my behavior afterwards got pissed. “I have been in the airport for 2 hrs to check in for this flight, which is 7 seven hours… add in travel time, and basically you just made it so I can’t eat jack shit for 8-9 hrs total. What’s wrong with you people, you confirmed I hard ordered a special meal half an hour before you started serving. I expect some kind of discount on my next ticket… The only reason I even choose your airline is because you have eals to cater to my needs, and you all screwed up.” etc etc. That is me at my fat, ugly worst.

            Compare to today! I brought some canned tuna in water as safe food… I had an overnight stay at my transfer airport, and didn’t know if I would need to eat then (in which case, I would count it as breakfast and not have anything else until I arrived at my destination). If I didn’t have it, I was planning on eating it for lunch today (around now when I’m posting this). I really should have realized this would happen… but anyway, when I went through the security check, they nearly confiscated it because it has liquid in it, and is larger than a 100g/100ml container. When the bag inspector took it and started to turn toward the garbage my eyes started to well up, and I must have looked like… idk, she was killig my puppy or something, because she said ‘oh… um, well… let me check with my supervisor. Maybe we can let you keep it’ (This isn’t a US flight… I’m sure this never could have happened there ALTHOUGH it is only 50ml of water in the can… so idk, I think it’s lame that it wouldn’t go through….) As we walked over to her supervisor I mumbeled something about not being able to eat airport food because of an allergy (they don’t understand autoimmune disorder over here… so I simplify it), and she said “ok, ok. We’ll see what the supervisor says”… long story short they let me keep it. Point of the story, I nearly cried over a can of tuna.

            The other parallel that is a mirrored opposite of the binge case is just now they served breakfast. I didn’t even try to inform the airline of my special food needs. For one, it’s based in a country where Celiacs doesn’t exist so I doubt they have anything to cater to a person like me anyway… but two, I don’t fucking want it. I wouldn’t know what was in it, it would be carb heavy…. Etc. So when I shook my head and said “No, I can’t. I have a sever food allergy” the stewardess picked off the main dish and tried to offer me the rest (which still had some stuff that I couldn’t eat, but I could have had some). I shock my head no again and said “You don’t understand, it could make me so sick I need to go to the hospital…” She then tried to give me the orange juice to which I replied “No. Just water please”.  Then I watched out of my peripheral vision the person sitting next to me eat, and though about how superior I was. Because… you know, not eating disgusting food (or hell, not eating at all) is awesome! It makes me better than others! (Please note, lots of sarcasm behind those last two statements).

It’s stories like these that really confirm to me that I am sick. For people without eating disorders, that might seem like a strange thing to say... and I've posted about it a few times ago, but denying that anything is wrong with us is quite normal for people with EDs. Especially those who are still in a healthy BMI range... Which I am, though I've lost my period again already.

Anyway, only a very disturbed person could act so totally different – like unrecognizably different – in the exact same situation… It isn’t as if either trip had more or less stress… that I had more or less access to junky souvenir food that would probably be ok… and although I say this airline I’m flying on now probably couldn’t handle gluten free meals, they are a partner with the airline I flew on in the 2nd story, so Actually… I bet they could. I just didn’t check because I didn’t want to be able to eat. So… the difference is that this time, the only thing I care about is being smaller when I wake up tomorrow, and last time I was eating until I was physically uncomfortable… I needed it to be emotionally numb. 

So yeah, definitely disturbed in the head. Definitely out of control… but well, at least in restrictive mode I can feel as if I’m in control and am showing restraint. Here’s hoping for a good weigh in tomorrow (a very big day for me actually…)