Cycle 4/Weekly Weigh In

Comments: I responded in the comment thread on the post you two lovely ladies commented on, just wanted to say thank you for visiting. It really does feel nice =] Will catch up on your blogs tomorrow night. I have to wake up early and it's already 1am so better get off asap... just want to get this posted.

Start Weight: 143.00 

End Weight: 140.91

Yeah... idk why but major gain after my last week's weigh in. Doesn't make sense really... I guess it was just a water gain from after the laxative use. *sigh* anyway, at least there was a lose again, but it isn't at the same level that it was (63.85 kg, 140.47 lb) 2 days after laxatives... so kinda disappointing. Oh well. Depending on tomorrow and the day after I *Might* be in the 130s on May 1st. That would be lovely. Not looking forward to tomorrows weighin... although I did fast successfully, I also had a whole pack of gum (8 sticks, 16g xylitol) which means I will probably retain water. Hoping that it might make me poo though... would be nice. haven't gone now in 8 days. 

If nothing happens tomorrow I, considering it is an 800 day and I will have very little control over what it is that is cooked/available and really no reliable way to count... (BBQ where I cannot bring my own food without setting off alarms), I may take 1 laxative (dosage for 15+ is 2-3 pills) in hopes that it will get things moving without being majorly disgusting... not sure - would like to crap before May 1st and all, ya know. 

Cycle four ended today, which is why I am posting late night. (really 1am Tuesday rather than morning of Monday) Also, idk why but I kinda thought today was Sunday for some reason lol... 

Today was a close call for managing my fast.... but I did. I had originally planned to have today be 400 but couldn't remember why... well, it was because I had a planned outing with a friend. Anyway, we didn't meet until around dinner time, and before we did I said i would cook something at home so we wouldn't need to bother finding a place that was safe for me (Gluten, yay... such a useful excuse). Exercise was also a close call. I had to jog for 30min to get the calorie burn I needed. But, I did it. Yay for me. 

Here's the summary. Also, expecting to make a rather big post on Friday this week, or maybe Saturday... Just to let you know. Lots of stuff up in the air atm, but should have clarity by then - enough so to share as much as I can without risking being identified should anyone I know ever find this blog.

	R	F	S	S	M	Average:
Plan (in)	200	600	800	400	0	400
Actual (in)	183	596	800	390	0	393.8
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2426	2536	2481	2421	2402	2453

but.... the math? (Cycle 3)

I hope I haven't used this image before... I DL it a while ago for this blog.

Anyway... the day after I posted YAY 140.5, i regained about 2.5 lbs of what I assume was water weight post laxatives... which almost undid all the good the laxatives did. wtf. *sigh* I need to up fiber/cals again once this 02468 is done so that I can have moments by myself... anyway, I was stuck at 143 for two days, and today - weigh in for end of cycle three, thank goodness, saw a drop again in overall number (Fat has been moving down consistently at least). 141.7 today..




So, Start of Cycle 3: 143.9
                       End:   141.7

2.2 loss, not bad. but not as good a I was hoping, because I was pretty sure the 143.9 was the result of backup.. ah well.


Intake/Output:

	S	S	M	T	W	Average:
Plan (in)	400	600	800	200	0	400
Actual (in)	380	596	792	183	0	390.2
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2430	2412	2358	2168	2733	2420

Food was no problem but exercise was. On monday I overestimated how many C i would burn while basically at rest. Seems my metabolism has changed... Tuesday, had a big event related to trying to find a job and it interrupted my exercise schedule... so made sure I hit over 2100, and then said the rest can be made up on wednesday - which I begrudgingly and successfully did. yay for that.

Halfway done now. 3 more cycles to go. Have found myself arguing with ED more recently. But it wins, so really whats the point? My legs still feel like Jello from yesterdays five hour walk... and yet within 45 min I will embark on a 3 hr walk (at least). ah well.

p.s. title of post is b/c I should have lost more over the last 15 days.... currently, 7.2 lbs lost, but should be 2000*15=30,000  30,000/3,500 = 8.57 so 1.3 lb short.... which would bring me back to 140.4 which would have been perfect.

Week 3 - April

Last Monday: 145.42
This Monday: 140.47
Loss: 4.95
% BW: 3.4%



Happy about the significant change. Unhappy that the math doesn't add up... However, I was already fairly full of waste by that time so maybe that's why. The way things are looking now, this month will be 2 BMI points down. That definitely makes me happy.

Also, I am going to two ballets next month, and should be able to be in 19.x BMI range for both. That also makes me very happy. So... overall, a good week. I mean, hey... the happiness from the scale is lasting more than just a few minutes for a change. Can't complain there.

Today is an 800 day. Had pretty bad leg cramps in the early morning so thinking I'll allocate 60c or so of it to coconut water in an attempt to get potassium up. It will come out of the calories for protein shake I usually allow. Probably won't try to make up the other 40.

waterlogged

Bella - Thank you very much for the comment. I hope you are feeling better.

I washed my food scales yesterday, and apparently... they are waterlogged. So this morning I spent 30 minutes franticly searching for the set my roommate has. She never uses them, and I knew they were somewhere in the bedroom I am using, but that was the problem. Somewhere. I started crying, because I really don't have money to spend on this kind of thing right now. I have another set of my own in the other country I'm living in so it isn't as if I can't survive when I go back there if the ones here don't work once they dry out (please lord, let them work tomorrow). Negative self-talk, even a raised voice at myself for a while... yeah I'm going crazy but what can I say - It was very very upsetting. Fortunately my roommate was not here to witness it. IDK what I would have done had she been here.

I had already measured out everything I've planned for lunch, so I was considering having that for breakfast and either skipping my planned breakfast (-200ish cal to plan) as punishment for fucking up (actually I also thought about not having anything at all as a punishment), or having it for dessert at dinner time. I cannot wait until I have my own kitchen again. I will simply measure out everything a week in advanced... EVERYTHING. it will be wonderful.

This post's title is also appropriate because yesterday I spent the whole day basically "pee-pooping" - a term that those who have done the Master Cleanse, and I'm sure many individuals with eating disorders can appreciate. Within 30-45 min of any glass of something to drink, I invariably would need to go to the bathroom, and barely any liquid passed through my kidneys. Thank you laxatives... well - I hadn't had a BM in over a week... I think it was justified. Hell, my stomach was actually pushed out by all the waste in in GI... so gross, I know. I'm sorry.

Cycle two of 02468 went without a hitch. Here's the summary:

	M	T	W	T	F	Average:
Plan (in)	200	600	400	0	800	400
Actual (in)	180	596	378	0	770	384.8
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2419	2411	2545	2474	2415	2452.8

Calories that I have had but didn't count include SF gum and tea/coffee which I have sweetened with 1.25c worth of sugar alcohols. I should be counting them... but just can't be assed right now. ED doesn't require it (though the -30 on Sunday was planned to accommodate the gum I had that day... so I guess I am counting it, a bit).

Wednesday weight: 145.42
Saturday Weight: 143.88 (which was 0 change from the day before, due to laxatives not having kicked in 100%)

1.54 in 5 days. Not bad I guess, but not what would be expected. Today I was 142.12... so I'm guessing maybe 142.5 yesterday would have been realistic if not for the massive backup. 1.9-2lb, given my average deficit of 2000 (a bit more than that... but whatever) would be more mathematically correct (-2000x5=10,000... 10,000/3,500 = 2.85 actually is what math would expect 100%....) hoping that the slowdown this week is not repeated next... if so, it is very possible that by May 1st, I will be in next BMI point range, which would be swell. I'm already 'ahead of schedule', but that really would be a fantastic way to start the month... being in 20.x range again - which would mean I would certainly be in 19.x range before the end of the month. I'm going to two ballets next month... it would be nice to be 19.x BMI for both - though it is a bit of a stretch for the first.

What else... I had to change the order of cycle 3 a little because I was out of eggs, and I also have a rather important appointment on tuesday and don't want to be in fast stupor... (it was originally my 0 day) so... it is now 46820 instead of 64802. I'm ok with this - I would rather have not changed anything but well... it doesn't change the daily average so it's ok.

Friday has turned into a social event, but I think I can manage not to eat during it. Just in case I will skip breakfast so I can have a salad and some fish if I need to. It's planned at 600, so that would leave me 400 to work with. Saturday is a BBQ... I am on the food prep team, and gluten intolerance is an issue... so considering making a foil pack or two for myself at home before I go and just bringing it with me. Then there will be no guesswork. What to do what to do.

Ok... that's it (i've added stuff to this twice after publishing lol...) I want to get out of the house before roommate returns, which is at any minute, so I can get in 3 + hrs of walking without her knowing how long I've been away and also pick up a few things I couldn't find during yesterdays shopping trip for her home.

To readers who do not use laxatives, but think they might be helpful in weightloss, please read the following: Laxatives are not an effective way to purge calories, so don't take them for any purpose other than they are intended. The majority of their impact is on the lower-intestine. By the time food is there, the calories have already been absorbed... so yeah, really not helpful in calorie reduction.

Laxative abuse is a very serious problem. It really messes up your GI and hydration/electrolyte levels. I never take them unless I'm really constipated, and I strongly encourage anyone to follow that rule. Hell, even in such cases I will often try to simply load up on veggies for a few days to get things moving again... I just can't right now, because I'm following such a strict plan... Anyway, just don't do that to yourself. It's 100% not worth it - the only weight you lose is water and poop...

A new scale, a bad week, and I guess a little satisfaction.

SW(Week): 149.7
EW(Week): 145.4
Loss(Week): 4.3 (-2.8% body weight)

Cycle 1 finished successfully. Well... I feel it was anyway. Here's the summary (remember 02468 started Wednesday, not Monday, which is when weight-loss week begins)

	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday	Average:
Plan (in)	0	200	800	400	600	400
Actual (in)	0	189	629	387	590	359
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2426	2433	2024	2639	2578	2420

So... Friday I was under calories significantly (good?) but also under exercise target significantly. I busted my ass to make up the 376 missed burn by midnight Sunday, and managed. Yay. And for the calorie intake.... idk, I guess less is always better, but part of a calorie cycling plan like this (for me) is exhibiting perfect control by actually being really close to the targets, but I ate out that night, and had planned 2 drinks (only had one) which according to some sources as 90c each (others state 50... went with the higher number) so... yeah, ended up quite under. Anyway, here's hoping for another good cycle this Cycle is:

M: 200

T: 600

W: 400

T: 0

F: 800

Currently no plans to go out this Friday, but that might change. There is a potentially valuable networking opportunity. Still, wouldn't have to eat there, and can just drink tea or water... so I plan on cooking everything that day. It is the only thing that will change for my menu this week. The plan is:

not bad, I think. Still under 50g carb with nearly 20g fiber. yay for that. I won't have the shake until after the mixer so that if I want 1 drink I can have it... but really, what's the point of just one drink?

In other news... When I arrived at my friends house, which is where I'm keeping all my stuff this year, my scales were no where to be found... my beautiful, expensive, WIFI enabled BF% measuring scales. gone. I was gutted, and had a minor panic attack. Enough that I even asked her if she had seen them (saying that I was looking for the box they were in for spring clothing but I couldn't remember it's contents except for the scales... lol). Nope... They have to be here somewhere, I certainly wouldn't have left them behind... but idk, maybe I brought them with me to the other country I am staying in this year. I don't think so... but I guess it's possible. 

Anyway, I couldn't deal with the idea of being without a set for a month.... I also couldn't get a set that she could easily see, so I had to find some really small ones. Happily, where I am now, small good scales are in ample supply. So I walked to the nearest shopping area (about 30-45min each way - yay for calorie burn!) and got a set that is about the size of a netbook... here's a picture:

I realize you can't tell, but it is 8.75x7.5 inches. So... I put it away in my pants drawer every day after using it... and I will easily be able to bring it with me wherever I go from now on. It measures BF% (thus the silver plates that shape the color like an hour glass figure lol...), is accurate within 50g (+- 100g error apparently... but accurate within itself which is good enough - all scales have an error range), and even tells you how many calories in theory you could eat based on age, gender, height, BF% and weight. I might use this feature (-500 maybe to be safe) as a guideline for how to maintain when I get to a 'happy' weight. Anyway, except for the fact that they don't track my progress for me online, i really like them - and they were only $30 (US) (on sale 40 something % off)!

So... new scale, significant loss... why a bad week? well, some of my job prospects fell through. That really did me in - I had an anxiety attack on Thursday and have been feeling useless since I got the news late Wednesday. Every loss I had since then, I didn't believe... I thought it must just be water and that I would regain it all + some the next day... but each day I went down, and well, you can see the results. basically 2/3 a BMI point in a week. It's more than I should have lost mathematically but here's hoping I continue at a rate of 3+ a week... if so I'll reach a new LW late May or early June, even slowing down to 2.x a week when I return to the other place.

*sigh* I have a ton of work to do, due tomorrow but have barely made a dent because I had so much exercise to make up. Happily I woke up quite early today so once this is posted I will walk for 2 hrs (need about 3 a day to get my target) and then come back and make a significant dent in the work before going out with my roommate to a second hand store for some stuff she needs (the other hour)... and then finish the work. 

I was supposed to meet someone for a brief interview (not job related) today, but will have to reschedule I think. It's ok, I told them last night that was a possibility. alright... time to really get this day started.

Airport Drama

 

Response to Comments: Thanks for the follow Bella! and Yeah... can't deal without my food scales. 3 years ago it was so much of a dependance that I brought them with me when I ate out... I would pick apart salads in public and figure out exactly how much of each vegetable was in them... Happily not that out of control about it anymore, but yes... volume is not reliable at all, and if I am going by eyeball I always significantly over-estimate to make sure it's safe. If I want to do a precision meal plan like 02468, I need to measure/cook everything.

Post: I spent much of the last 24 hrs in either planes or airports, and something that struck me as interesting is how different the experience is when I’m in binging COE mode and when I’m in restrictive mode. For example, the last few times I flew I was still in binge mode. I had brought some protein powder with me, just in case I couldn’t find anything to eat in the airport or on my way to my destination after landing, but when I went through security they opened it to check what it was and spilled it everywhere (by mistake). I just shrugged, and went and bought some dried fruits (which is basically like candy… ew!) and a sugary milk-tea drink… and when I landed at my destination I got chocolate covered almonds, a rice ball or two, and some cheese… it wasn’t a big deal.

           

            What was a big deal (different trip I think) was when the stewardess gave my gluten free special ordered meal to the wrong person, and they ate it before they came round to serve me something normal (I figured this person had a vegan meal or something….). I fucking FLIPPED OUT. Like, made a scene, demanded some type of re-imbursement, felt embarrassed about my behavior afterwards got pissed. “I have been in the airport for 2 hrs to check in for this flight, which is 7 seven hours… add in travel time, and basically you just made it so I can’t eat jack shit for 8-9 hrs total. What’s wrong with you people, you confirmed I hard ordered a special meal half an hour before you started serving. I expect some kind of discount on my next ticket… The only reason I even choose your airline is because you have eals to cater to my needs, and you all screwed up.” etc etc. That is me at my fat, ugly worst.

            Compare to today! I brought some canned tuna in water as safe food… I had an overnight stay at my transfer airport, and didn’t know if I would need to eat then (in which case, I would count it as breakfast and not have anything else until I arrived at my destination). If I didn’t have it, I was planning on eating it for lunch today (around now when I’m posting this). I really should have realized this would happen… but anyway, when I went through the security check, they nearly confiscated it because it has liquid in it, and is larger than a 100g/100ml container. When the bag inspector took it and started to turn toward the garbage my eyes started to well up, and I must have looked like… idk, she was killig my puppy or something, because she said ‘oh… um, well… let me check with my supervisor. Maybe we can let you keep it’ (This isn’t a US flight… I’m sure this never could have happened there ALTHOUGH it is only 50ml of water in the can… so idk, I think it’s lame that it wouldn’t go through….) As we walked over to her supervisor I mumbeled something about not being able to eat airport food because of an allergy (they don’t understand autoimmune disorder over here… so I simplify it), and she said “ok, ok. We’ll see what the supervisor says”… long story short they let me keep it. Point of the story, I nearly cried over a can of tuna.

            The other parallel that is a mirrored opposite of the binge case is just now they served breakfast. I didn’t even try to inform the airline of my special food needs. For one, it’s based in a country where Celiacs doesn’t exist so I doubt they have anything to cater to a person like me anyway… but two, I don’t fucking want it. I wouldn’t know what was in it, it would be carb heavy…. Etc. So when I shook my head and said “No, I can’t. I have a sever food allergy” the stewardess picked off the main dish and tried to offer me the rest (which still had some stuff that I couldn’t eat, but I could have had some). I shock my head no again and said “You don’t understand, it could make me so sick I need to go to the hospital…” She then tried to give me the orange juice to which I replied “No. Just water please”.  Then I watched out of my peripheral vision the person sitting next to me eat, and though about how superior I was. Because… you know, not eating disgusting food (or hell, not eating at all) is awesome! It makes me better than others! (Please note, lots of sarcasm behind those last two statements).

It’s stories like these that really confirm to me that I am sick. For people without eating disorders, that might seem like a strange thing to say... and I've posted about it a few times ago, but denying that anything is wrong with us is quite normal for people with EDs. Especially those who are still in a healthy BMI range... Which I am, though I've lost my period again already.

Anyway, only a very disturbed person could act so totally different – like unrecognizably different – in the exact same situation… It isn’t as if either trip had more or less stress… that I had more or less access to junky souvenir food that would probably be ok… and although I say this airline I’m flying on now probably couldn’t handle gluten free meals, they are a partner with the airline I flew on in the 2nd story, so Actually… I bet they could. I just didn’t check because I didn’t want to be able to eat. So… the difference is that this time, the only thing I care about is being smaller when I wake up tomorrow, and last time I was eating until I was physically uncomfortable… I needed it to be emotionally numb. 

So yeah, definitely disturbed in the head. Definitely out of control… but well, at least in restrictive mode I can feel as if I’m in control and am showing restraint. Here’s hoping for a good weigh in tomorrow (a very big day for me actually…)

"Sickly Thin"

One of the things that makes me sad looking back at this journal is how different my concept of ideal body shape has become. I know it isn't attractive, I know it isn't healthy... but I want to waste as little space as possible... and so, the images below are more accurate to what I aspire to become than many of those I have posted before. Some are a bit extreme, like the first one of the girl who can literally wrap both her hands around her thigh. I don't feel a need to go that far (yet), but I don't find it hard to look at, or negative... which definitely shows a shift in my perception.