Having a goal and achieving it aren't the same thing :p

Well.. wanted to drop .5bmi, and it looked like I made it for a few days, but either waste or water has accumulated in such a way that I am .4kg short of that landmark. Ah well... maybe next week?

At least I hit 23.xx BMI this week =] Even at this rate I'll be down another BMI point before a pretty important event, which makes me happy... Of course, being <150 instead of just at it for that event would be far better...

Have the opportunity to go to two ballet performances for very cheap... Looking forward to it. It'll be in about two months, and again, if I continue to lose at the rate I planned to (~1kg a week) I will be in 130s by that time... not thin, but not pudgy anymore either. It will be a suitable reward I guess. of course if I actually pull off the .5bmi per week thing, I'd be in the 120s by that time which would be way better. Then I would definitely be back into size 2s if not 0s... Things to look forward too.. and to motivate! Anyway


Week 2 Results:
SW: 72.5 kg               159.50 lb              24.22 BMI
EW: 71.4 kg               157.08 lb              23.86 BMI 
Loss:   1.1kg                2.42 lb                     .37 BMI

Here's hoping for 23.36 by next week! Minimum goal = 23.51. 

Time to do pilates!

Goal acceleration

Couldn't even go a week without wanting to speed up my goals... I frequent a forum where people with EDs chat about well... ED related stuff lol... What rules they are following, how much exercise, how to exercise, complaints about life etc. It's a good place, and I honestly believe these 'pro-ana' sites serve an important purpose. I know of 3 people who's lives were saved through the networks they had created on these sites... in fact, I am one of the people who was responsible for saving one of these three... Suicide attempts all caught in time, because the members of these sites look out for each other.

BUT, they do/can trigger/encourage us to go more headlong into the disease (which is often part of the appeal to those of us who are not trying to recover... helps to 'motivate'). I generally do not frequent these websites when I'm in a binge cycle (i.e. all of winter), but when the days get longer, and I start to restrict again they kinda become a bit like crack to me... and well - one of the members created a .5BMI/Week loss challenge... which I have decided to try this week... even though that means losing an extra .5kg

The idea of dropping a whole BMI point every other week (vs every 3... yeah, doesn't *really* make that much of a difference but, feels like it does) is just... so appealing. I did it last week, by mistake... and then saw this challenge and thought "well, maybe that wasn't just water loss b/c I just started restricting again. I used to lose 3-4 lb every week... why not go for that again? at least for this week." but I know that it won't just be this week, that losing less than I did one week before will feel like failure and so this will likely become my new goal.

This happens to many of us... whether it's going deeper into restriction, or reducing our "Ultimate Goal Weight" when we hit the target or get near to it... it never ends. I've never been able to maintain at a low weight for more than a few months... so it doesn't make me worry about myself too much, but if I ever were able to shut off the binging completely... well, then I do worry a bit - although I also dream about the day that will happen.

Week 1 Results:
SW: 74.1 kg               163.02 lb              24.76 BMI
EW: 72.5 kg               159.50 lb              24.22 BMI
Loss:   1.6kg                3.5 lb                       .54 BMI

Now... if only I had my BF scale so I could see the details. Ah well, it's in another country... I'll get to check it in about a month.

Pride, guilt and shame all at once.

No change today. I guess that’s better than a gain but still frustrating. This week totaled in -1.6 (Tuesday morning until Monday morning) I guess that only counts 6 days worth of losses, but next week it will count 7, so that’s fine. I would love it if I could keep this pace… it would mean -.5 BMI a week, which would be fantastic, but idk how realistic that is, especially when I don’t have control over half of my food.

Last night, when I got home after a reception dinner for a 3 day event I’m participating in, during which I had 2 slices of pear, 2 slices of watermelon, a small mandarin orange and 2 grape tomatoes (guessing 150c to be safe… probably less though) I found an incredibly unsafe dinner waiting for me… unsafe because it was mostly a sweet potato. Proud b/c I didn’t even think about eating it… feeling guilty b/c I threw away food that someone else could have eaten it… except then they would know I didn't… and feeling ashamed because I’m too old to be pulling shit like this... can't fucking wait to be living on my own again.

Plan # 1000

It really does feel like this is the millionth time I'm starting over. Ah well. Here's the plan:

Tuesdays = the first day of each week... because that was the first day I weighed myself again in ages. Currently I am weighing every day, a practice I never used before, because daily water weight fluctuations are maddening (case and point... -.7kg today, which is impossible, especially considering two days ago it was -.9 kg... first week's water weight loss (up to 10 lbs right?)), but I really don't care this time. Discipline and ritual are required. Also, my exit plan has a lot to do with daily weight... so better to get into the habit now rather than later.

From now until <130 (19.7 BMI, enough that 1 mistake ought not bring me back to 20s), aim is to lose 1kg a week at least. Actually that isn't so fast, only 10% over the 'max' healthy rate, and I expect to lose more than that... but I don't have complete control over food at the moment, so I'm setting that pace as my expectation so as not to set myself up for failure.

Once < 130, I will gradually add 100c to my daily intake, increasing 1 week at a time. The idea is to slow the loss down to .7kg a week until <125... which actually may not happen since it ought only to take 5 weeks to get there at the 1kg rate, and as I said I should be exceeding that, but at least it will be in the right direction.

<125.5 will be a new LW btw... very excited for that.

Once <125, continue to increase calorie intake by 100c a day each week, and reduce walking time to 1hr a day of planned walking (should be doing at least another hour of incidental due to commute). Try to get loss down to .3~.5kg per week.

Continue until 52KG (114.4lb), 17.4 BMI. Officially ana. I want to to stay there for at least a week... maybe a month, but I am scared to lose much more than that... I'll continue upping calories until basically I stop losing... That is my hope anyway.

Once I feel I've been 'ana' long enough to prove it wasn't by chance... the new rule will be: If <52kg, can eat whatever I want in reasonable portions. Sugar is ok, desert after dinner is ok, a full serving of rice is ok... etc. If >55KG must restrict heavily until <54kg again. Between 52~54, the aim is to have a healthy meal plan of 1,200~1,500 (depending on which bound I am closer too) made up of mostly veg and protein, with a 100c serving of grain, and 100g serving of fruit allowed. 1 small serving of full-fat dairy, nuts or seeds also allowed at these times. No processed sugar.

And that's it... hovering between 52-55kg, I will always be underweight, but not be Ana.. and that seems like perfect control to me, if I can pull it off... let's see!

Back, and once again fat :(

73.2kg, 161.04 lb, 24.46 BMI.... Ew.

I hate winter... it's cold, so I don't go outside and walk... and it's cold, so I have low tolerance for starving (because that makes you colder) and it's also a season with so many of the foods I am weak to... Especially sweet potatoes, and things made from sweet potatoes... Seriously, it's like I want to get fat each winter, so I have to lose it all again in Spring. I really hate this cycle.

Lots has changed since last I wrote, not only my weight. I am living in a developing country right now - will be for a few more months at least (vague enough... lots of developing countries, with lots of foreign women in them). This has also significantly contributed to my lack of exercise (excuse... but kinda based in reality) - the air quality here is very poor (still applies to many countries...), and I actually spent a whole day throwing up after just having a 2 hr walk outside without protection... So, I bought a mask :D now I can walk outside even on bad days... Hopefully that will help.

I am staying with a family, to save money. My time here should only be temporary, so to get an apartment didn't make sense if I could avoid it. This has been a problem for eating... because they insist on cooking for me. Because of my gluten intolerance, they don't add grains in general, but often times they will include tubers like potatoes... and well, carbs are a fear food, so that isn't good. Recently I've taken to being out of the house until I know they are asleep, so I can pick out any offending food from what they cook me, and throw it away. I only eat 100c for breakfast, no lunch, and then the dinner they make... I cannot count the calories in it, because I do not know the uncooked weights, or how much oil they use when they do... but I figure it shouldn't be more than 500c since usually it's only a little meat and about 200g~300g cooked veggies. It's just that it has so much fat in it... so that's why I guess 400-500c... so a total of 500-600 a day... I can live with that, the scale is going down, so it's ok.

What else? I have a significant other! He is also living in another country at the moment, but we hope to be living together once his assignment there is done and I'm done here. It's nice. He actually thought I was too skinny at 135ish when we met (20.5BMI about), which is kinda sweet... but I do intend on being at least that weight if not lower when we next meet again... this 160s thing is simply unacceptable.

I was going to put my whole plan for the next 1/2 a year up now, in very broad strokes, but uh... well, I decided to save it 'til tomorrow. What I will say for now is that this is the year I will be <17.5 BMI. Screw the new DSM and it's lack of that number as a definition. It's a notch on my belt I want to have, at least for a short time... then I'll strive to float in that magical 18.5~17.5 BMI range of 'underweight', and never leave it again... This was the last winter I will gain significant weight... I'm done with that. More tomorrow.