1/27/2012 10:16:00 AM

Holidays... Stress, and sinking back into the hole.

I had stopped restricting as much prior to my trip, in hopes of maintaining. As the holidays progressed, it became more and more like binging and less like eating carefully but 'normal'. I have not regained everything, but I have gained at least 5 lbs of fat back (it's been about a week since I weighed... I am scared to look at the scale...) I can feel it, and it is disgusting.

A lot has changed, or come to light in that time. Some things have stayed the same... Like, despite upping my fat intake, and then eventually just eating whatever was in front of me, I still have not regained my period. This was one of the 'reasons' i used to justify eating the way I have been... To get my period back. But I'm at the limit of weight gain I can stomach... and still without bleeding. So fuck it,  that damage has been done, and there is little more I can do to repair it. Maybe with the help of a doctor or dietitian, but I do not have insurance, and cannot risk being diagnosed with an ED and having it become a preexisting condition.

What else... Ah, I've grown an inch. Obviously not really, but I guess some of the exercise I've done has helped to decompress my spine. I actually was 5'9" a long long time ago, but lost 2 inches due to injury. Anyway... Apparently I've gotten one back. So, it means that what I used to think of as a perfect weight (115 - 18bmi at 5'7" which is what I Thought I was) would actually be an anorexic weight, just (17.5). I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if anything will change... My short-term goal is to get to 19.1 BMI (I thought that would be 122, but it isn't anymore... not sure if I'll be ok with just 19.1 BMI or stay stuck on that lb number).

Finally, I have some sort of wheat or gluten allergy. Discovering that I am gluten intolerant has fueled the binge flame... my safe foods list will be the same more or less, since it's never included grains... Some things like soy sauce have to be removed sadly... but, really, those adjustments shouldn't be so big. It's the 'semi-safe' list that has to be revised, and I've used the need to learn what I can be indulgent in as an excuse to let COE back into my life.

I disgust myself. I can feel the fat everywhere... I get it that I am still 'small' in the eyes of normal people but I feel disgusting... This is the absolute upper limit of what I can tolerate and I need to get below it again.

Also, I get 'glutened' by mistake sometimes, which causes horrible bloating and gas... which of course exasperates the problem. So... starting Sunday, I am jumping right back into restriction... feet first. It's the only way to be safe from getting sick (just the broth in deli meat causes gas... actual bread or something along those lines would cause the same thing as an OD on laxatives and ipecac... for days on end.) and I need to reverse the damage this binging period has caused...


Post a Comment