Vacation = Major Restriction Fail

I'm no longer in Ketosis.

I was when I woke up Saturday morning... so sometime between Saturday afternoon and Sunday I ate too much... probably too many nuts, and stopped burning fat as my major source of fuel. FAIL.


The vacation was alright. As time went on it got more and more stressful (thus more and more snacking... fatass me) IDK how I am doing weightwise... b/c I'm waiting until the first to step on my scales... Dear god, I hope I'm lower than I was last time, even if it's only .5 of a lb.

Lowlights of the vacation:

• Having an issue with a used item I purchased through an auction site. It arrived broken but the seller isn't going to refund me. Bitch...
• Mother complained a bit about the service to my sister and I at our table at a restaurant and was apparently overheard. The manager at the restaurant, rather than helping to defuse the problem made it 1000x worse. Antagonizing a customer is never a good thing so I can't be too disappointed in my mom, but it definitely put a downer on the whole experience. Having to parent a parent is never a good thing. 
• I feel like the catalyst of the above is me... I didn't go to the restaurant with them at the very start b/c I wanted to get a receipt to help me with my claim for the auction... I feel as though if I had been there from the start, I could have somehow defused the situation, or distracted the conversation... but b/c I arrived midway, it was too late. There is a bit more to this guilt, but I don't think I can post about it publicly without feeling I'm putting myself at risk of discovery.
• Mom made disparaging comments about my sisters weight... mostly as a joke, she doesn't really care if we are thin or fat.... (in fact I think she'd prefer it if we were both fat). It made me very angry. My sister doesn't seem to care but if I have a propensity for eating disorders... and strongly believe both my sister and mother to have disordered eating patterns... well, anything that might trigger my sister into this... I don't fucking want to see it. 

Highlights - weather was nice, it was relaxing. No in-fighting, which I am surprised about... Discovered a wonderful motivating piece... it's a bracelet - I'm buying it from another source (Way overpriced where I found it.... over $100 vs $15....) It's meant to go on your wrist but my aim is to be able to wear it on my upper arm within 2 years (for my Grad School Graduation). Caught lots of fish... and although I didn't keep to my plan, I didn't eat forbidden foods (like ice-cream, etc...) So, at least I showed SOME control. Oh, I also got all workouts in.

Have a plan in place for the first two weeks of August, but I'll post that with my August 1st weigh in.

Wonder if I can be back in Ketosis by the 1st (probably not until the 2nd ;( ) 

Purge...

Warning: This is a gross TMI type post... and potentially triggering.

I should have just gone to bed and waited to cook tomorrow morning... If I had followed that instinct, which I did have, I would have finished a 3 day fast without incident... but NOOOOOO, stupid fat bitch that I am had to worry about having enough time to exercise/cook before leaving for vacation, and while waiting for the cauliflower bread to cool... stupid fat bitch that I am decided to wait in the kitchen... which was just DUMB.

So... 300c in cheese... 230c in protein puffs... 50c in veggies... 130c in homemade chocolate.... 120c in pepperoni and 500-600c later in peanut butter... stupid fat bitch that I am finally decided to go upstairs and go to bed.

Then... I decided that if anytime was a time to try and practice purging... coming out of a 3 day water fast with that much shit in my stomach which would make me feel sick in a few hours anyway was the time...  So... I did, and happily (?) I managed to get a lot of it up this time (a first). I'm sure there is some left, I didn't puke 'til bile came out... but I'm sure at least 50% is gone... maybe even 75%. and most of what came up was the higher calorie stuff (chocolate, peanut butter, cheese). Also, happily despite being HIGH CALORIE (Fat fucking stupid cow) it was low carb, which means that my ketosis shouldn't be broken so even if I've fucked up any loss from today... tomorrow won't be starting over from ground 0 (no ketosis) So... yeah...

The truly good news is that although I'd count this as a fairly successful purge, it was not empowering... and it is still very effortful. I don't see myself falling into a habit of doing this. Fingers crossed this prediction is true. I'm fairly good at restricting atm... and it makes me feel good (in control, superior etc)... so the need to purge shouldn't arise often.

Week 4 of 'abc' reflection & Plans

Ok well, time to summarize.

avg calories burned: 2281

Steps: 12421

Physical Activity: 1:42 hrs per day (16min vigorous/86min moderate)

avg calories in: 425

Saturday I had a social event. I allowed for, and consumed as best as I can estimate, 1200calories... it was disgusting. On top of the sheer mass of food (all protein/fat but still) I was exposed to gluten. The good thing - it will give me an excuse to be super careful NO MATTER WHAT. because all I had was roasted meat, but clearly it was cut on or with something that was contaminated. 

And just in time! I have a family vacation coming up this week. We leave in two days. I was worried about being able to properly restrict, but after saturday I think I can justify whatever I do saying "dude... what's more important to you? That I spend my time on vacation eating out with you all and then potentially being bed ridden for 2-3 days... or that I be able to enjoy the activities we have planned?" This makes me happy... now if only I can manage to really pull it off. 

I plan to eat out at least 1-2x (and have the rest of the food as left-overs the following day)... it will all be steamed, b/c I truly feel that it is probably the safest way for food to be cooked for me... that or pan-fried but ew ;( 

Planned Calorie Allowance: 

M: 200

T: 0

W: 500

Th: 800

F: 800

Sa: 800

Sun: 400

HOWEVER, I fasted today (Monday) and will fast again tomorrow (3 days in a row! feels good <3) so, I have 200c that I will allow myself to play with on Wednesday/Sunday. 

What I've purchased so far for the trip...

• Cauliflower to make LF Cauliflower bread with (Egg whites/ground cauliflower that has been de-moisturized and spice... no cheese).
• Egg whites (for above, and breakfasts...)
• 13g Flax per day (I may bake this into the bread actually... undecided, need to do some calculations)
• Gluten Free Deli Meat for lunch 
• 4 pre-packaged packets of Tuna/Salmon (2 each 70~90c each) - they don't need to be kept cold, so if I need them, they are there, but they won't go to waste if I don't. 
• Yellow Mustard for the sandwiches 
• Kay's Naturals Protein Puffs (may not actually have any... they have grains in them :( I thought they were grain free, but now they are quite low on the 'semi-safe' status list)
• 1 Zucchini
• 1 Cucumber
• 1 Green Pepper (all three above are to be snack foods for the trip to the place + 50c hummus... not yet purchased)
• 3 Roma tomatoes (for sandwiches)

What's left that I've planned: 

• pre-packaged 63c hummus dip (3g fat, 1g fibre, 6g protien, 3g carb) 
• 70c String Cheese (Tomato Basil Flavor... omg so good, hope I can get my co-travelers to eat most of it ._.) 

Dinners out will be seafood I think. Shrimp/Scallops maybe... generally low cal. Maybe I can convince them to go to a chinese place and get steamed veg/shrimp or something hmm. 

I weighed in on Sunday rather than today. Was worried that after a fast day it would be unrealistically low, and therefore demoralizing when I came back from the trip. in 6 days I lost 1.7lbs, -1.1 from fat. Not so hot :( That said, it was a weigh in after a massive meal, and a gluten exposure (read bloat) so... idk, maybe it isn't too bad. It's the right direction at least. 

I want to weigh in the morning before we leave, but that will be after 3 days of fasting, so I don't think that's a good idea, which means only 1 weigh in this week :/ *nervous* 

Monday next week will be a fast, then 500c for the next 8 days... I'm not abandoning the calorie cycling plan I've been doing, just putting it on hold. I want to do a protein shake fast August 1-7th like I did at the start of each month last year. Fingers crossed... I'll be <21 BMI by the start of the protein fast (August 1st ... unlikely, but maybe...) And <20BMI halfway through August. (2nd or 3rd week?)

After that, I'll need to do ~2 free meals sadly (leaving party [i'm moving far far away] and US Birthday) :( UCH and 1 after that (Real Birthday)... So long as I'm back <20 BMI before classes start though... I guess it will be ok.

Alright, that's enough rambling! Time to lift some weights :3

Social Media Management...?

Someone who has been referred to this site by the social media job website cul____ dot com... (not going to write even the whole website name out of fear it would bring more traffic from it...)would you please leave a comment and tell me why you are being sent here? It's creeping me out to see so many page hits from a site that I don't know anything about...

I don't want to take this blog down... but I know that there are companies out there that like do PI work to figure out who is blogging what, or investigate people's FB pages and stuff... and I *really* don't want to risk having that happen to me. So, someone please tell me why in the world is a 'social media management job' site sending you my way?

Angry at Food

Well, the good news for today is that I have successfully NOT BINGED despite experiencing a number of stressors that easily could have triggered one.

I dreamed about 'binging' (I put in in quotes, b/c in the dream I only had like 5 spoonfuls of ice-cream from a gallon, and if it were a real binge I would have eaten it all...) and purging (which I cannot successfully do, and wish I could sometimes...) The dream well, hah, let's just say... I felt super empowered in the dream because not only did I manage to purge all of the ice-cream out, but also food that must have been 'ok' for me to eat, but like from hours before b/c while the ice-cream part was recognizable and still tasted (yes, I tasted the vomit in my dream...) like ice-cream as it had only been in me for minutes, the other stuff that came up did not taste like food anymore. I'm guessing this is b/c I watched a documentary that had information about a bulimic who can purge without even doing anything but bending over... Anyway, I woke up quite disturbed... but also jealous of the dream me.

I was supposed to go running today before work, but the dream put me out of sorts, so I ended up hitting snooze a couple times, hoping to forget it... ended up having to cook lunch/breakfast WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY BE LEAVING, so I was late...

Then I forgot that the road to work was closed... that I had to take an alternative route (more late) so I rushed... and nearly got into a car accident. I may have damaged one of my tires/put the front axel out of alignment... so so much for waking up early and going on my usual LONG walk on off days... I gotta go to the dealership and see if my car is ok (MONEY I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO WASTE). At least there are some hilly areas near it... I'll walk while I wait for them to check my car.

Add on top of that some assholes at work... and well, by lunch I was all wrung up in the way that often causes me to think 'fuck it' and binge. Almost did too... I have some semi-safe snack foods I bought last week at work... b/c the snack food I had prepared the night before one evening for a high-calorie day didn't store well... and I had one (70c). Then I thought "Hmmm... I could have another. I've already fucked today up, I'm over by 70c on a 400c day!" but then I decided to drink a glass of water and think... and I decided that instead of the 100c dinner I was supposed to have, I'd have nothing. If i could make it through the rest of the work day (6 more hours) I could have a coffee with yummy SF Syrup as the remaining 30c (which is probably an over-estimate as it is black other than the SF Syrup)

It was close a couple times but I kept on telling myself to "Starve the stress, don't feed it". Seemed to work... Had my coffee, had a Jack3d before my workout... felt a little woozy during it, and decided I don't fucking care. IDK if it's b/c of the recent surge in salt I've had b/c I've used soy sauce two days in a row and had a bunch of pickles last night, but I was so fucking puffy in my stomach today... and yesterday too. and I can't stand it. It's disgusting...  Also, I weighed in yesterday and showed a 1.5 lb gain in body fat... which is physically impossible... but still, upsetting to see.

So I don't care if I damage my heart, I don't care if I don't make it past 35... I will be skinny. I'm so fucking sick of being fat it isn't even funny. Obviously I don't want to die... and I don't want to get so sick I have to go IP... But ugh.. I just feel so gross, and I'm tired of it. And I hate food so much... I wish I could exist without it. Just live on pills and powders for the rest of my life.

At the gym one of the attendants at the desk was eating a sandwich and I just wanted to throw it on the floor. There is some candy in our back room at work, and I want to flush it down the toilet... tomorrow is supposed to be a 1200c day, and I'm going to try really hard to eat at least 800... 300 for breakfast (which is making me freak out... I don't want it... but the calorie cycling thing, I have to give it another week or two at least before I abandon it), and idk how much at the social event i have to go to which is why it's so high, but enough that no one will raise an eyebrow... because some of the people there are in the medical profession, and have expressed concern about my weight loss before.... BUT ALL I WANT TO DO IS STARVE.

 I am so angry at food right now, all of the stress and frustration from today is being directed at it... and I know it's fucking ridiculous and makes me crazy. But seriously, fuck food.