Missing purple...

Binged... purged (but not enough - lost ketosis thus the title) on Sunday. It was disgusting... I was running the shower to help cover up the noise and decided I might as well just go about it in there (i've read of others doing the same)... didn't think to bring something in with me to catch it all in... though after a little I did... so yeah, not giving any tips on how to go about making yourself vomit (not good enough at it anyway to give anything useful, but I never would anyway....) but I will say this - don't think it will go down the drain... if you decide to purge in the shower, bring a bucket or something.

Told myself last month that as long as I don't try to do this more than 2x a month I'm ok with it... results are so shit anyway that it really isn't worth it... and so long as I stay at that limit or below I doubt I'll ever get good enough at it for it to be so... just going to do my best to stick with restricting. Bulimia is so unappealing anyway... I never want to turn to that 100%. AN B/P Subtype wouldn't be *so* bad, but restriction subtype > all.... so time to get in gear fatass...

Been going over calories nearly every day by at least 200 (so 700-800 instead of 500-600). If  I can't get myself back in the swing of <600 by Thursday I think I'll plan up to 800 now even though it's early... better to plan, and eat safe things than not and eat shit. *sigh* maybe after a week of 800 I'll be strong enough to go down lower again, depending on where weight is...

Purge...

Warning: This is a gross TMI type post... and potentially triggering.

I should have just gone to bed and waited to cook tomorrow morning... If I had followed that instinct, which I did have, I would have finished a 3 day fast without incident... but NOOOOOO, stupid fat bitch that I am had to worry about having enough time to exercise/cook before leaving for vacation, and while waiting for the cauliflower bread to cool... stupid fat bitch that I am decided to wait in the kitchen... which was just DUMB.

So... 300c in cheese... 230c in protein puffs... 50c in veggies... 130c in homemade chocolate.... 120c in pepperoni and 500-600c later in peanut butter... stupid fat bitch that I am finally decided to go upstairs and go to bed.

Then... I decided that if anytime was a time to try and practice purging... coming out of a 3 day water fast with that much shit in my stomach which would make me feel sick in a few hours anyway was the time...  So... I did, and happily (?) I managed to get a lot of it up this time (a first). I'm sure there is some left, I didn't puke 'til bile came out... but I'm sure at least 50% is gone... maybe even 75%. and most of what came up was the higher calorie stuff (chocolate, peanut butter, cheese). Also, happily despite being HIGH CALORIE (Fat fucking stupid cow) it was low carb, which means that my ketosis shouldn't be broken so even if I've fucked up any loss from today... tomorrow won't be starting over from ground 0 (no ketosis) So... yeah...

The truly good news is that although I'd count this as a fairly successful purge, it was not empowering... and it is still very effortful. I don't see myself falling into a habit of doing this. Fingers crossed this prediction is true. I'm fairly good at restricting atm... and it makes me feel good (in control, superior etc)... so the need to purge shouldn't arise often.