Cycle 4/Weekly Weigh In

Comments: I responded in the comment thread on the post you two lovely ladies commented on, just wanted to say thank you for visiting. It really does feel nice =] Will catch up on your blogs tomorrow night. I have to wake up early and it's already 1am so better get off asap... just want to get this posted.

Start Weight: 143.00 

End Weight: 140.91

Yeah... idk why but major gain after my last week's weigh in. Doesn't make sense really... I guess it was just a water gain from after the laxative use. *sigh* anyway, at least there was a lose again, but it isn't at the same level that it was (63.85 kg, 140.47 lb) 2 days after laxatives... so kinda disappointing. Oh well. Depending on tomorrow and the day after I *Might* be in the 130s on May 1st. That would be lovely. Not looking forward to tomorrows weighin... although I did fast successfully, I also had a whole pack of gum (8 sticks, 16g xylitol) which means I will probably retain water. Hoping that it might make me poo though... would be nice. haven't gone now in 8 days. 

If nothing happens tomorrow I, considering it is an 800 day and I will have very little control over what it is that is cooked/available and really no reliable way to count... (BBQ where I cannot bring my own food without setting off alarms), I may take 1 laxative (dosage for 15+ is 2-3 pills) in hopes that it will get things moving without being majorly disgusting... not sure - would like to crap before May 1st and all, ya know. 

Cycle four ended today, which is why I am posting late night. (really 1am Tuesday rather than morning of Monday) Also, idk why but I kinda thought today was Sunday for some reason lol... 

Today was a close call for managing my fast.... but I did. I had originally planned to have today be 400 but couldn't remember why... well, it was because I had a planned outing with a friend. Anyway, we didn't meet until around dinner time, and before we did I said i would cook something at home so we wouldn't need to bother finding a place that was safe for me (Gluten, yay... such a useful excuse). Exercise was also a close call. I had to jog for 30min to get the calorie burn I needed. But, I did it. Yay for me. 

Here's the summary. Also, expecting to make a rather big post on Friday this week, or maybe Saturday... Just to let you know. Lots of stuff up in the air atm, but should have clarity by then - enough so to share as much as I can without risking being identified should anyone I know ever find this blog.

	R	F	S	S	M	Average:
Plan (in)	200	600	800	400	0	400
Actual (in)	183	596	800	390	0	393.8
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2426	2536	2481	2421	2402	2453

but.... the math? (Cycle 3)

I hope I haven't used this image before... I DL it a while ago for this blog.

Anyway... the day after I posted YAY 140.5, i regained about 2.5 lbs of what I assume was water weight post laxatives... which almost undid all the good the laxatives did. wtf. *sigh* I need to up fiber/cals again once this 02468 is done so that I can have moments by myself... anyway, I was stuck at 143 for two days, and today - weigh in for end of cycle three, thank goodness, saw a drop again in overall number (Fat has been moving down consistently at least). 141.7 today..




So, Start of Cycle 3: 143.9
                       End:   141.7

2.2 loss, not bad. but not as good a I was hoping, because I was pretty sure the 143.9 was the result of backup.. ah well.


Intake/Output:

	S	S	M	T	W	Average:
Plan (in)	400	600	800	200	0	400
Actual (in)	380	596	792	183	0	390.2
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2430	2412	2358	2168	2733	2420

Food was no problem but exercise was. On monday I overestimated how many C i would burn while basically at rest. Seems my metabolism has changed... Tuesday, had a big event related to trying to find a job and it interrupted my exercise schedule... so made sure I hit over 2100, and then said the rest can be made up on wednesday - which I begrudgingly and successfully did. yay for that.

Halfway done now. 3 more cycles to go. Have found myself arguing with ED more recently. But it wins, so really whats the point? My legs still feel like Jello from yesterdays five hour walk... and yet within 45 min I will embark on a 3 hr walk (at least). ah well.

p.s. title of post is b/c I should have lost more over the last 15 days.... currently, 7.2 lbs lost, but should be 2000*15=30,000  30,000/3,500 = 8.57 so 1.3 lb short.... which would bring me back to 140.4 which would have been perfect.

waterlogged

Bella - Thank you very much for the comment. I hope you are feeling better.

I washed my food scales yesterday, and apparently... they are waterlogged. So this morning I spent 30 minutes franticly searching for the set my roommate has. She never uses them, and I knew they were somewhere in the bedroom I am using, but that was the problem. Somewhere. I started crying, because I really don't have money to spend on this kind of thing right now. I have another set of my own in the other country I'm living in so it isn't as if I can't survive when I go back there if the ones here don't work once they dry out (please lord, let them work tomorrow). Negative self-talk, even a raised voice at myself for a while... yeah I'm going crazy but what can I say - It was very very upsetting. Fortunately my roommate was not here to witness it. IDK what I would have done had she been here.

I had already measured out everything I've planned for lunch, so I was considering having that for breakfast and either skipping my planned breakfast (-200ish cal to plan) as punishment for fucking up (actually I also thought about not having anything at all as a punishment), or having it for dessert at dinner time. I cannot wait until I have my own kitchen again. I will simply measure out everything a week in advanced... EVERYTHING. it will be wonderful.

This post's title is also appropriate because yesterday I spent the whole day basically "pee-pooping" - a term that those who have done the Master Cleanse, and I'm sure many individuals with eating disorders can appreciate. Within 30-45 min of any glass of something to drink, I invariably would need to go to the bathroom, and barely any liquid passed through my kidneys. Thank you laxatives... well - I hadn't had a BM in over a week... I think it was justified. Hell, my stomach was actually pushed out by all the waste in in GI... so gross, I know. I'm sorry.

Cycle two of 02468 went without a hitch. Here's the summary:

	M	T	W	T	F	Average:
Plan (in)	200	600	400	0	800	400
Actual (in)	180	596	378	0	770	384.8
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2419	2411	2545	2474	2415	2452.8

Calories that I have had but didn't count include SF gum and tea/coffee which I have sweetened with 1.25c worth of sugar alcohols. I should be counting them... but just can't be assed right now. ED doesn't require it (though the -30 on Sunday was planned to accommodate the gum I had that day... so I guess I am counting it, a bit).

Wednesday weight: 145.42
Saturday Weight: 143.88 (which was 0 change from the day before, due to laxatives not having kicked in 100%)

1.54 in 5 days. Not bad I guess, but not what would be expected. Today I was 142.12... so I'm guessing maybe 142.5 yesterday would have been realistic if not for the massive backup. 1.9-2lb, given my average deficit of 2000 (a bit more than that... but whatever) would be more mathematically correct (-2000x5=10,000... 10,000/3,500 = 2.85 actually is what math would expect 100%....) hoping that the slowdown this week is not repeated next... if so, it is very possible that by May 1st, I will be in next BMI point range, which would be swell. I'm already 'ahead of schedule', but that really would be a fantastic way to start the month... being in 20.x range again - which would mean I would certainly be in 19.x range before the end of the month. I'm going to two ballets next month... it would be nice to be 19.x BMI for both - though it is a bit of a stretch for the first.

What else... I had to change the order of cycle 3 a little because I was out of eggs, and I also have a rather important appointment on tuesday and don't want to be in fast stupor... (it was originally my 0 day) so... it is now 46820 instead of 64802. I'm ok with this - I would rather have not changed anything but well... it doesn't change the daily average so it's ok.

Friday has turned into a social event, but I think I can manage not to eat during it. Just in case I will skip breakfast so I can have a salad and some fish if I need to. It's planned at 600, so that would leave me 400 to work with. Saturday is a BBQ... I am on the food prep team, and gluten intolerance is an issue... so considering making a foil pack or two for myself at home before I go and just bringing it with me. Then there will be no guesswork. What to do what to do.

Ok... that's it (i've added stuff to this twice after publishing lol...) I want to get out of the house before roommate returns, which is at any minute, so I can get in 3 + hrs of walking without her knowing how long I've been away and also pick up a few things I couldn't find during yesterdays shopping trip for her home.

To readers who do not use laxatives, but think they might be helpful in weightloss, please read the following: Laxatives are not an effective way to purge calories, so don't take them for any purpose other than they are intended. The majority of their impact is on the lower-intestine. By the time food is there, the calories have already been absorbed... so yeah, really not helpful in calorie reduction.

Laxative abuse is a very serious problem. It really messes up your GI and hydration/electrolyte levels. I never take them unless I'm really constipated, and I strongly encourage anyone to follow that rule. Hell, even in such cases I will often try to simply load up on veggies for a few days to get things moving again... I just can't right now, because I'm following such a strict plan... Anyway, just don't do that to yourself. It's 100% not worth it - the only weight you lose is water and poop...

Plan # 1000

It really does feel like this is the millionth time I'm starting over. Ah well. Here's the plan:

Tuesdays = the first day of each week... because that was the first day I weighed myself again in ages. Currently I am weighing every day, a practice I never used before, because daily water weight fluctuations are maddening (case and point... -.7kg today, which is impossible, especially considering two days ago it was -.9 kg... first week's water weight loss (up to 10 lbs right?)), but I really don't care this time. Discipline and ritual are required. Also, my exit plan has a lot to do with daily weight... so better to get into the habit now rather than later.

From now until <130 (19.7 BMI, enough that 1 mistake ought not bring me back to 20s), aim is to lose 1kg a week at least. Actually that isn't so fast, only 10% over the 'max' healthy rate, and I expect to lose more than that... but I don't have complete control over food at the moment, so I'm setting that pace as my expectation so as not to set myself up for failure.

Once < 130, I will gradually add 100c to my daily intake, increasing 1 week at a time. The idea is to slow the loss down to .7kg a week until <125... which actually may not happen since it ought only to take 5 weeks to get there at the 1kg rate, and as I said I should be exceeding that, but at least it will be in the right direction.

<125.5 will be a new LW btw... very excited for that.

Once <125, continue to increase calorie intake by 100c a day each week, and reduce walking time to 1hr a day of planned walking (should be doing at least another hour of incidental due to commute). Try to get loss down to .3~.5kg per week.

Continue until 52KG (114.4lb), 17.4 BMI. Officially ana. I want to to stay there for at least a week... maybe a month, but I am scared to lose much more than that... I'll continue upping calories until basically I stop losing... That is my hope anyway.

Once I feel I've been 'ana' long enough to prove it wasn't by chance... the new rule will be: If <52kg, can eat whatever I want in reasonable portions. Sugar is ok, desert after dinner is ok, a full serving of rice is ok... etc. If >55KG must restrict heavily until <54kg again. Between 52~54, the aim is to have a healthy meal plan of 1,200~1,500 (depending on which bound I am closer too) made up of mostly veg and protein, with a 100c serving of grain, and 100g serving of fruit allowed. 1 small serving of full-fat dairy, nuts or seeds also allowed at these times. No processed sugar.

And that's it... hovering between 52-55kg, I will always be underweight, but not be Ana.. and that seems like perfect control to me, if I can pull it off... let's see!

August 1st Update

-2.9, but only -1.1 from fat since last weigh in. All things considered this is probably something I should be happy about. Fucking vacation binge.

Fat attack started today! Two major things changed to make me say that.

1. Today marks the first of a 7 day protein fast. 500c in =] all as liquid protein drinks. I was going to allow 600c... but I think 500 sounds good, so I'll stick with that.

2. Changed my running up a bit. New interval pattern = 3mph 4mph 5mph 6mph 5mph 4mph (1min each, x7). My aim is to be doing a 5k in 40 min by the end of the month... and in 33min by the end of September.... though I may change that... BECAUSE

My future classmates (starting grad school this September... ABROAD CANNOT FKN WAIT) have suggested that we do a marathon together... We have about 6 months to train (it would be sometime in February...)  I wonder if that's enough time ;( Anyway, I have about a month to decide, so I'll base my descision on how the next 3 weeks of intervals goes, and how quickly I am able to increase the 6mph duration... Basically... I think I'd want that to be the majority of my pace for the run so that I could finish it in <5 hrs. (I edited this b/c I'M a RETARD and thought marathons were 25km not 26.whatever MILES sorry...). anyway, a <5 hr marathon would be quite an accomplishment since atm I can only manage a 42min 3.11miles lol. IDK, are any of you runners? is 6 months enough time... hmmm, I may have to ask my fitocracy friends :3

So... what else. July was ok, I guess. -9.9 lbs, -7.5 from fat. If I can duplicate those results I'll be able to cross of all but 2 (perhaps... maybe 1...) of my short-term goals, for-which the deadline is before september in my mind... though I guess as long as it's before the end of september I can be 'ok' with it.

I can't remember if I wrote the timeline I'd like to see out or not but... basically... If I can be <132.0 and <18% BF before Sept. I'll be happy. Repeating the loss I had this month would put me at 128.8 and 19.1% BF...

<122 (<18.5) is my GW for New Years Eve 2013. Assuming (large assumption) I do repeat last months results this month... that would mean I'd only have to lose 7 lbs in 3 months. That's quite slow for me actually... I'm fast to gain and fast to lose... BUT, I think it's a good thing. I'd like to accomplish that rate... BECAUSE, I really hate the cold heavy duty restriction causes... so losing slowly during the cooler months suits me just fine, so long as I still lose.

I've already started dreaming up calorie limits and deficit goals and stuff... when what calories will be consumed etc... but it's premature to speak of such things just yet. Let's get the short-term goals taken care of first silly girl... then the future plotting may begin.

Also Cammie, Thank you for the comment. I <3 <3 <3 getting them xo

Vacation = Major Restriction Fail

I'm no longer in Ketosis.

I was when I woke up Saturday morning... so sometime between Saturday afternoon and Sunday I ate too much... probably too many nuts, and stopped burning fat as my major source of fuel. FAIL.


The vacation was alright. As time went on it got more and more stressful (thus more and more snacking... fatass me) IDK how I am doing weightwise... b/c I'm waiting until the first to step on my scales... Dear god, I hope I'm lower than I was last time, even if it's only .5 of a lb.

Lowlights of the vacation:

• Having an issue with a used item I purchased through an auction site. It arrived broken but the seller isn't going to refund me. Bitch...
• Mother complained a bit about the service to my sister and I at our table at a restaurant and was apparently overheard. The manager at the restaurant, rather than helping to defuse the problem made it 1000x worse. Antagonizing a customer is never a good thing so I can't be too disappointed in my mom, but it definitely put a downer on the whole experience. Having to parent a parent is never a good thing. 
• I feel like the catalyst of the above is me... I didn't go to the restaurant with them at the very start b/c I wanted to get a receipt to help me with my claim for the auction... I feel as though if I had been there from the start, I could have somehow defused the situation, or distracted the conversation... but b/c I arrived midway, it was too late. There is a bit more to this guilt, but I don't think I can post about it publicly without feeling I'm putting myself at risk of discovery.
• Mom made disparaging comments about my sisters weight... mostly as a joke, she doesn't really care if we are thin or fat.... (in fact I think she'd prefer it if we were both fat). It made me very angry. My sister doesn't seem to care but if I have a propensity for eating disorders... and strongly believe both my sister and mother to have disordered eating patterns... well, anything that might trigger my sister into this... I don't fucking want to see it. 

Highlights - weather was nice, it was relaxing. No in-fighting, which I am surprised about... Discovered a wonderful motivating piece... it's a bracelet - I'm buying it from another source (Way overpriced where I found it.... over $100 vs $15....) It's meant to go on your wrist but my aim is to be able to wear it on my upper arm within 2 years (for my Grad School Graduation). Caught lots of fish... and although I didn't keep to my plan, I didn't eat forbidden foods (like ice-cream, etc...) So, at least I showed SOME control. Oh, I also got all workouts in.

Have a plan in place for the first two weeks of August, but I'll post that with my August 1st weigh in.

Wonder if I can be back in Ketosis by the 1st (probably not until the 2nd ;( ) 

Quick post laxative update.

In summary... disappointing.

I'm up a lb from Saturday. The only good thing is I'm down 1 lb of FAT since saturday, so I'm guessing the extra weight is probably from some of the water balance issues laxatives cause... and that I will see good numbers all around next time I weigh in.

Fast today. Also... going to look into what KIND of fibre I'm getting mostly. If it' all soluble and to lots of insoluble... that might explain things. idk... I just hate taking laxatives at all. Though I don't think in this case, it was abuse since I only had 1/2 dose, and was truly in need.

Thought of the day - If food were pure, we wouldn't need to do #2. There wouldn't be any waste to get rid of.

Note: To those who think they want an ED - Do you really want to be this obsessed with poop? You will be... 

K... will be responding to comments that were posted in my absence and writing about a few other things tonight I think =]

Stay strong! I know I'll have to. About to go on a 5mile walk... then do my 30x15 different exercises... and as I said before, today is a fast day!

I'm back, for real this time.

For a while I was thinking of just taking the journal down. The whole idea of others getting sick b/c of what I've written just makes me sad. At the same time, there are similar journals that I go back to periodically and re-read and find some sort of comfort in (not that this one has that sort of notoriety or popularity but still...) so, instead.. I wrote a bit of an explanation about who this blog is for... something that will hopefully be read by anyone who reads this journal. 

I don't think it will honestly make a difference for most people... but just in case, above you can see here's my take on the so you want an eating disorder rant trend.... 

In other news. I'm a fatty (big suprise). Since February... I lost some weight, went to a wedding/important interview, got into a grad school program (yay) and then went out of control and barely fit into any of my clothing anymore... it's PATHETIC. 

So... today marks the start of week 3 get skinny before school quest. Week one didn't go perfect, but week two more or less did... I have yet to weigh in (Mondays = judge how the week went days) b/c I still haven't had a BM... and I refuse to let bodily waste confound the results ._.

I won't be posting actual numbers yet... I'm too embarrassed by my mass atm. but basically... my goal is to be back in the 19.x BMI range before September, and it should be doable.

So... the plan? Click read more to see.

The Plan

Tomorrow is the first day of the Februrary Business week at my company, so it seems to be as good of an arbitrary starting point as any. Here's the plan for the next month~

Jan 29th - Feb 7th  - Liquid Protein "Fast"   600 calories from Whey or Casein protien unless I'm working 10 hours or more that day, in which case I can have up to 800. The only other things I can consume are tea, supplements (20c from fish oil and vit E... but I'm not counting them towards my limit... ), fat burning energy drinks, ECA stack (pre-workout), and *maybe* a small serving of hot cereal to get at least a little bit for my bowels to do something with... that would count toward calorie limit total of course. Maybe fiber supplements too if I feel like my bowels are acting funny :/

Feb 8th -10th (or longer) - 400C from Protein Shakes, 200c from vegetables (raw) until bowels are regular again.

Feb 11th - replace morning shake with egg whites and raw veggies with cooked

Feb 12th - replace lunch protien shake with Fish

Feb 13th - All meals back to "Normal"

Feb 14th ~29th - 600c limit most days with 1-2 days a week up to 800 (probably only from almonds for some healthy fats...)

First weigh in will be Feb 1st, so... Wednesdays and Saturdays I guess. I can't bear to see where I'm starting until I've cleaned out all of the glycogen and shit from my body... I know the first three days will mostly be water loss, but I don't think I can deal with the number on the scales until that bit has gone. I'll write a more detailed meal plan for Feb 11th on in a few days... I want to re-evaluate what I've done in the past and see if there are any improvements I can make to get more of my micro-nutrients from foods (i.e. is Kale really the best green veg I can take in? Maybe turnip greens would be better...).

Exercise Goals:

Week 1: Get steps back up to 10,000. Don't care about how much vigerous vs. moderate exercise I do. Burn at least 2000 calories a day. Gauge how much the 10,000 steps contributes and re-evaluate the burn goal by the end of the week.
Week 2: Add Pilates videos in every day
Week 3: Pick up intensity of cardio activity to include at least 10 minutes of vigerous activity. Maybe switch to HIIT every other day from Pilates.
Week 4: Add at least 5 minutes to vigorous activity.

Holidays... Stress, and sinking back into the hole.

I had stopped restricting as much prior to my trip, in hopes of maintaining. As the holidays progressed, it became more and more like binging and less like eating carefully but 'normal'. I have not regained everything, but I have gained at least 5 lbs of fat back (it's been about a week since I weighed... I am scared to look at the scale...) I can feel it, and it is disgusting.

A lot has changed, or come to light in that time. Some things have stayed the same... Like, despite upping my fat intake, and then eventually just eating whatever was in front of me, I still have not regained my period. This was one of the 'reasons' i used to justify eating the way I have been... To get my period back. But I'm at the limit of weight gain I can stomach... and still without bleeding. So fuck it,  that damage has been done, and there is little more I can do to repair it. Maybe with the help of a doctor or dietitian, but I do not have insurance, and cannot risk being diagnosed with an ED and having it become a preexisting condition.

What else... Ah, I've grown an inch. Obviously not really, but I guess some of the exercise I've done has helped to decompress my spine. I actually was 5'9" a long long time ago, but lost 2 inches due to injury. Anyway... Apparently I've gotten one back. So, it means that what I used to think of as a perfect weight (115 - 18bmi at 5'7" which is what I Thought I was) would actually be an anorexic weight, just (17.5). I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if anything will change... My short-term goal is to get to 19.1 BMI (I thought that would be 122, but it isn't anymore... not sure if I'll be ok with just 19.1 BMI or stay stuck on that lb number).

Finally, I have some sort of wheat or gluten allergy. Discovering that I am gluten intolerant has fueled the binge flame... my safe foods list will be the same more or less, since it's never included grains... Some things like soy sauce have to be removed sadly... but, really, those adjustments shouldn't be so big. It's the 'semi-safe' list that has to be revised, and I've used the need to learn what I can be indulgent in as an excuse to let COE back into my life.

I disgust myself. I can feel the fat everywhere... I get it that I am still 'small' in the eyes of normal people but I feel disgusting... This is the absolute upper limit of what I can tolerate and I need to get below it again.

Also, I get 'glutened' by mistake sometimes, which causes horrible bloating and gas... which of course exasperates the problem. So... starting Sunday, I am jumping right back into restriction... feet first. It's the only way to be safe from getting sick (just the broth in deli meat causes gas... actual bread or something along those lines would cause the same thing as an OD on laxatives and ipecac... for days on end.) and I need to reverse the damage this binging period has caused...