Monday Weigh in

From Saturday 7th to Monday 16th (8 days of loss) I lose 2.8 lbs, 2.6 from fat. This is 1 lb less than the math would predict, as my net was AVG Net: -1942. It also is results without a BM... so who knows, maybe the next weigh in will be stellar. 

The happy news is it means I am <22 BMI and down another % point in BF. only 15 lbs left before I am at the maximum body fat I ever want to have.... EVER AGAIN. 

Plan for this week: 

Monday: 600c, Run 8 intervals, 30min pilates

Tuesday: Fast, Walk at least 3 miles, weights (1 handed = 2 lbs two handed = 4 lbs)

Wednesday: 500c, Run 10 intervals (for fitocracy achievement and b/c it's off day), Pilates

Thursday: 300c walk at least 3 miles, weights. 

Friday: 400c  Run 8 intervals, Pilates

Saturday: Up to 1200c, walk 3-4 hrs BEFORE the party... Weights Before or after party. NO CARBS

Sunday: Fast, Yoga (new "off day" activity), burn at least 2000c


New Rule: For ever stick of gum/diet soda/pickle/<10c item you randomly allow yourself to have, you must do 10 jumping jacks before bed.... 


speaking of which, time to do 50!

Food for Thought

Myth 4: Anorexics look in the mirror and see a fat person.

Of course they don't. They're not stupid, however much they might give the impression of being so. You look in the mirror and see your ribs with their thinly stretched coating of papery skin; you see every hump of the spine if you bend over; you see the elbows thicker than the arms above them, and the dark hole between the bee-stings where your breasts might have been.

You see all this, but what you care about will be some tiny, specific aspect of your body that has always to be more and more pared away: the inner thighs must be more and more fleshless, say; or you have to be able to encompass your wrist with the other hand with more and more empty space to spare; or, as for me, your tummy has to be flatter and flatter, more and more concave, less and less like a tummy at all, in fact. Anorexia isn't body dysmorphia; the focus on minutiae is what lets you look in the mirror and still be spurred on further in your quest for a bodily ideal that involves thinness. (When something does force you to see the whole, it can be shocking: one of the steps in my progress towards ‘saying no' to starvation was trying on a ball gown in a changing room and seeing the Dachau contours of my spindle arms and scrawny neck and bony bust emerging from the rich chocolately shot silk of a dress I could never wear without horrifying anyone who saw me, nor could ever have any occasion to wear, since I never went out of an evening, because I needed all the evening hours for my bleak lonely routines of drinking and eating. It made me cry.) (Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hunger-artist/200908/five-anorexia-myths-exploded  - Added bold for emphasis)

I think this is very true, at least in my experience. Not that I've ever actually gotten low enough to be anorexic... but at my lowest I had a waist of 25" and yet the image of myself (specifically my inner thighs and hips....) made me feel sick to my stomach [which was a good thing, less desire to eat haha]. And now, that I'm a bit bigger... all I need to do to spur myself to exercise or keep up with my promise of a fast (today is one btw, may temptation stay at bay!) is go look at myself in the mirror.

And like she says in the article, it isn't that you don't see other things... I see that right now, I look tired all the time. I see that I have dark circles under my eyes. In the past, I saw that my sternum was prominent and that there were hallows that didn't belong... Sometimes these things, these signs of thinness made me happy, but there were occasions they disturbed me... but when I was disturbed rather than feeling accomplished, it was quickly overshadowed by the fact that my inner thighs still touched... that there was excess skin on my upper arms... etc. Focus quickly shifts to the 'trigger points' on my body, and then nothing else matters.

Anyway... that's it for thoughts today. In other news, -2.1 lbs overall, -0.7 in fat from Wednesday and that's without a BM... Here's hoping for revised goal #1 by next weigh in! (Monday or Tuesday...)

What Fat Represents (To me)

I touched on this topic a bit in the the rant I have posted under "A blog for likeminded people"...  but part of the ED mind is to twist body image into a physical representation of something that you hate about yourself, or something that you feel insecure about.

If I am fat, I have no self control...
If I am fat, I am worthless.
If I am fat, I am wasteful, and thus a waste.
If I am fat, I feel I are too much of a burden on the world.
If I am fat, I am greedy.
If I am fat, I am a failure...


It's best summed up by the 'motivational' quote "An imperfect body reflects and imperfect person." 

I've mentioned before, but I am a member on a forum filled with EDed individuals... and we had a whole thread about this. Nearly 20 members listed off what they meant when they said they felt fat...

Anyway, since I've decided to start this journal up again, I thought I would kinda "back post" some of the things I was writing in my safer journal - the one on those boards... because I want to give a clear, real image of what goes on in at least my head. Only writing about the losses, and the highs of this roller coaster is misrepresentative... and perhaps dangerous for others.

Comments

As Promised... responses to most recent comments (which go back to March this year...)




"I'm too big :/ 68kg for 1m69 :/" on "size 0" 


You're in the healthy range at least my dear. But I totally get being uncomfortable in your own skin even when that is the case. I hope you can find a weight/size you are happy with <3 Much love and wishing you the best of luck in finding that. 


"beyonce has great larger legs" it is sad that we're so brainwashed we think beyonce's legs are large. on Legs... 


Brainwashed? Honestly, I didn't even know b/c I don't pay attention to celebrities much... so I just looked it up. On ever pic I saw, she had quite full thighs. Not overweight of course, but they certainly aren't representative of what most women her size look like. 


I do not think any of those girls look too thin. People these days seem to have a warped view of how overweight is 'healthy'. They're all gorgeous legs. on Legs... 


Yep... though that's to be expected in a country where 61% of the population is overweight. Sad isn't it :( 


I just read through all the archives and found a whole bunch of good ideas. I hope you are ok. {patti} on Ugh...


Glad you've found some inspiration here. I hope you try to be as kind to your body as you can be though. Just wanted to let you know, it's your comment that made me decide to start up again =] Thank you!


WELCOME BACK TOBF!!!! :) I know you said you didnt think people where reading this! well i have had your blog saved in my bookmark page since about april last year :P! So..it is read! :) xXx on I'm back, for real this time.


No shit, really? That's so close to when I started. *blush blush* I've started following your blog btw, but anon. You come off as being quite healthy in your weightloss journey, I don't want people to be concerned about you if they happen to find my blog attached to yours ._.

Quick post laxative update.

In summary... disappointing.

I'm up a lb from Saturday. The only good thing is I'm down 1 lb of FAT since saturday, so I'm guessing the extra weight is probably from some of the water balance issues laxatives cause... and that I will see good numbers all around next time I weigh in.

Fast today. Also... going to look into what KIND of fibre I'm getting mostly. If it' all soluble and to lots of insoluble... that might explain things. idk... I just hate taking laxatives at all. Though I don't think in this case, it was abuse since I only had 1/2 dose, and was truly in need.

Thought of the day - If food were pure, we wouldn't need to do #2. There wouldn't be any waste to get rid of.

Note: To those who think they want an ED - Do you really want to be this obsessed with poop? You will be... 

K... will be responding to comments that were posted in my absence and writing about a few other things tonight I think =]

Stay strong! I know I'll have to. About to go on a 5mile walk... then do my 30x15 different exercises... and as I said before, today is a fast day!