The Plan

Tomorrow is the first day of the Februrary Business week at my company, so it seems to be as good of an arbitrary starting point as any. Here's the plan for the next month~

Jan 29th - Feb 7th  - Liquid Protein "Fast"   600 calories from Whey or Casein protien unless I'm working 10 hours or more that day, in which case I can have up to 800. The only other things I can consume are tea, supplements (20c from fish oil and vit E... but I'm not counting them towards my limit... ), fat burning energy drinks, ECA stack (pre-workout), and *maybe* a small serving of hot cereal to get at least a little bit for my bowels to do something with... that would count toward calorie limit total of course. Maybe fiber supplements too if I feel like my bowels are acting funny :/

Feb 8th -10th (or longer) - 400C from Protein Shakes, 200c from vegetables (raw) until bowels are regular again.

Feb 11th - replace morning shake with egg whites and raw veggies with cooked

Feb 12th - replace lunch protien shake with Fish

Feb 13th - All meals back to "Normal"

Feb 14th ~29th - 600c limit most days with 1-2 days a week up to 800 (probably only from almonds for some healthy fats...)

First weigh in will be Feb 1st, so... Wednesdays and Saturdays I guess. I can't bear to see where I'm starting until I've cleaned out all of the glycogen and shit from my body... I know the first three days will mostly be water loss, but I don't think I can deal with the number on the scales until that bit has gone. I'll write a more detailed meal plan for Feb 11th on in a few days... I want to re-evaluate what I've done in the past and see if there are any improvements I can make to get more of my micro-nutrients from foods (i.e. is Kale really the best green veg I can take in? Maybe turnip greens would be better...).

Exercise Goals:

Week 1: Get steps back up to 10,000. Don't care about how much vigerous vs. moderate exercise I do. Burn at least 2000 calories a day. Gauge how much the 10,000 steps contributes and re-evaluate the burn goal by the end of the week.
Week 2: Add Pilates videos in every day
Week 3: Pick up intensity of cardio activity to include at least 10 minutes of vigerous activity. Maybe switch to HIIT every other day from Pilates.
Week 4: Add at least 5 minutes to vigorous activity.

Holidays... Stress, and sinking back into the hole.

I had stopped restricting as much prior to my trip, in hopes of maintaining. As the holidays progressed, it became more and more like binging and less like eating carefully but 'normal'. I have not regained everything, but I have gained at least 5 lbs of fat back (it's been about a week since I weighed... I am scared to look at the scale...) I can feel it, and it is disgusting.

A lot has changed, or come to light in that time. Some things have stayed the same... Like, despite upping my fat intake, and then eventually just eating whatever was in front of me, I still have not regained my period. This was one of the 'reasons' i used to justify eating the way I have been... To get my period back. But I'm at the limit of weight gain I can stomach... and still without bleeding. So fuck it,  that damage has been done, and there is little more I can do to repair it. Maybe with the help of a doctor or dietitian, but I do not have insurance, and cannot risk being diagnosed with an ED and having it become a preexisting condition.

What else... Ah, I've grown an inch. Obviously not really, but I guess some of the exercise I've done has helped to decompress my spine. I actually was 5'9" a long long time ago, but lost 2 inches due to injury. Anyway... Apparently I've gotten one back. So, it means that what I used to think of as a perfect weight (115 - 18bmi at 5'7" which is what I Thought I was) would actually be an anorexic weight, just (17.5). I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if anything will change... My short-term goal is to get to 19.1 BMI (I thought that would be 122, but it isn't anymore... not sure if I'll be ok with just 19.1 BMI or stay stuck on that lb number).

Finally, I have some sort of wheat or gluten allergy. Discovering that I am gluten intolerant has fueled the binge flame... my safe foods list will be the same more or less, since it's never included grains... Some things like soy sauce have to be removed sadly... but, really, those adjustments shouldn't be so big. It's the 'semi-safe' list that has to be revised, and I've used the need to learn what I can be indulgent in as an excuse to let COE back into my life.

I disgust myself. I can feel the fat everywhere... I get it that I am still 'small' in the eyes of normal people but I feel disgusting... This is the absolute upper limit of what I can tolerate and I need to get below it again.

Also, I get 'glutened' by mistake sometimes, which causes horrible bloating and gas... which of course exasperates the problem. So... starting Sunday, I am jumping right back into restriction... feet first. It's the only way to be safe from getting sick (just the broth in deli meat causes gas... actual bread or something along those lines would cause the same thing as an OD on laxatives and ipecac... for days on end.) and I need to reverse the damage this binging period has caused...

128 lbs
BMI 20.0
15.6% BF

...

New decade, 25 inch waist 35 inch hips... (0/2)

- 80 lbs in 1/2 year. I feel so high from all this I can't even write full sentences lol... I know the joy won't last, but good lord... I better relish it while I can.

Tight Rope walking

Hi readers. Long time no write :x Sorry about that for those of you who are not also active on the online community I post a journal to. Things have been SOOO up and down... There was a good two week period where I was basically a raw nerve exposed... I thought I was dying, literally... and you know, I guess I am in some ways. Whatever... I'm kinda ok with it atm lol.

Someone wrote a comment on this journal today which reminded me to come back and made me think I should make an update. So here it is!

First the comment....

Chloe;
All of these women are too skinny. Do not make them your goal. Celebrities who have great legs and shapes are something I can refer to that you will know. Gwyneth Paltrow has about the thinnest body that remains attractive. Jennifer Aniston has great shaped legs. Beyonce has great larger legs. There are so many awesome shapely women you can use as examples, but models are almost all inappropriately skinny. They have to bend their legs to generate any curves at all, and that is unattractive.
You can have a slender body and remain curvy. Lots of women who are not celebrities do that. The world is full of beautiful women who don't think they are, and it saddens me.
At 5'7", 135 is an awesome weight, and the only way you can get a thigh gap with your knees together is liposuction and emaciated quadriceps, unless you are blessed with rare genetics. The shape of the quadriceps determine the overall thigh shape and does not change with exercise, it only shrinks or grows. Know your shape and play to that. Fit is beautiful, thin is not.
Enjoy your body,
B.  

It was made on this thinspo post.

To B, I can't accept less than what I think is perfection. Twisting my body into an image stuck in my head is the only way for me to cope with all the lack of control I feel I have in every other area in my life. I'm not saying it's healthy, or right... but what I see there, in those pictures... that's perfection. So while I appreciate your words, the sentiment behind them and even the value they have, and would totally second the opinion if it were directed towards anyone else... it means very little to me unfortunately :(

The good news is... I'm close. I'm not there yet, but the last time I weighed in (Sunday) I was at 15.6% BF! 130.8 lbs... and I figured out a way to post a picture of myself without reveling too much!!!

It doesn't go quite as high as I'd like it to be... but my knees are together in the picture, as are my feet... and the light still shines through so... there is a baby gap.

To others... I didn't have my period again this month :/ I'm slightly concerned. in an effort to be kinder to my body I am slowly adding calories and I've also started to cut back on exercise a bit. I will be weighing in every 3 days to make sure the changes I am making are not causing me to gain BF... and as long as I am still losing, I will continue to up the calories. I tried to do so at a faster pace than I am now, but ended up freaking out b/c of a gain so... I went from 1050c per day back to 600, and have gotten up to 900. My next weigh in is Wednesday. I feel I've lost already... that or my jeans have stretched a bit, either is possible lol... so, I'm thinking I'll be 1000 starting Wednesday. Each addition has been a different type of food source so that I can see how my body is reacting to each type.

I was planning on making the next 100c be fat/protien based flavors for my dinner/lunch OR snacks... (i.e. hummus for snack, or as a flavor addition to dinner.... pesto, etc....) BUT, I'm considering trying grains next... just 100c (so enough for one serving for me...) at lunch. maybe.... idk, sounds unsafe :( I'm pretty sure they are what caused the gain last time but at the same time, I need my body to get used to starchy carbs again before my trip... so maybe sooner is better. UGH. Anyway, that's where I'm at. Trying to find a balance between healthier loss/eventual maintanence and calories/exercise.

Week 23 Weigh in

134.0

17.4%BF
49.8 Muscle


Not bad at all. I made my goal for August. Sorry I haven't been updating a lot... with the new community starting I've been quite busy with my internet time elsewhere. Also, honestly... lots of the stuff I've wanted to post about has been too personal to be in a non-closed community.

I promise I'll post something worth reading soon. Sorry again :( xoxo