Back to the develop*ing* (not *ed*) world

Well, that was a bit longer between posts than I had intended... switching countries does that to me though... after a month of being in the country I would love most to live in I had to return to the other one that I currently call home... just 2 more months. That's what I need to tell myself... then I'll move... somewhere? idk where yet... been waiting on those details for about 2 weeks now (TRIGGER - but the positive [i.e. makes it easier to not eat] kind). Hopefully they will come in soon.

Comments:

Bella - omg yeah it sucked. I am gluten intolerant and not sure if I can use the type of dissolvable fiber that is made from wheat (most commonly found in the country I was in... and I don't trust jack shit where I am now, nothing is labeled properly)... It is actually made from a part of the plant that doesn't have GLUTEN in it, BUT, because it is in contact with the other parts of the plant... not guaranteed safe...

So, thinking I may order some Inulin when I move to the next place I am going [don't want to buy a bunch of supplements I'll need to carry around with me when I move in a few months]. Been chowing down on 200-300g of broccoli + 2 egg whites and a egg yellow (need the fat to absorb Multi-Vitamin...) for 150-175c for breakfast the last few days and things seem to be... er well, functioning on a frequent enough basis that I can be happy. no more 10+ days of waiting for nature to do its thing... so, yeah - until I'm settled down, I think that will be good enough. 

Patti - Awww thanks for stopping by, and again I'm happy (i think? hate the idea of spreading a disease...) that you find my blog helpful. IDK how much of the backlog you've read but... was basically 210 when I started 3 years ago now... got down to 125.6 by late october... gained a bunch back to about 160~165 that winter.... then suddenly started restricting again and got down again to 128ish... then up again to same 160~165 in winter, down again to 128~130, up to 160~165... and now... idk where I am actually, somewhere in the 130s... weigh in today put me at 139.5 but well, let's just say I have good reason (related to above comments) to believe that tomorrow will show a *very* different picture lol ._. Mathematically I should be far lower than that too... somewhere around 135~136. 

This is kinda a continuation to the comment to Patti but... more general thought like so... no more italics! I've noticed that I naturally start restricting (or... stop binging?) when the days start getting longer... around February usually binges decrease if not stop all together (last 3 years) and restriction becomes natural by March, even if I am not consciously pushing for it. Like a switch flipping. And the binging starts in Fall... when days get shorter (and colder). I thought it was because of

1. the cold
2. seasonal fall dishes (largely deserts) being MAJOR trigger foods for me...

BUT, someone on the forums I use sometimes suggested it *MIGHT* be S.A.D. ...! Which - idk, makes some sense... and also means I might be able to *DO* something about it. So, talking about supplements... aside from Inulin, which is a soluble but largely indigestible fiber, sometime in late summer I'll be buying 5HTP, St. Johns Wart, and whatever other herbals are thought to help with being not depressed - AND I think I'll get one of those S.A.D. lights and spend at least 1-2 hrs in front of it (while walking in place or on a treadmill if I can afford one - two birds, one stone yeah!).

Basically.... and I know it's far away (Sorry, I really like to plan WAY in advanced... I've already started thinking about my dietary plan for JULY haha), but I'm:

1. Going to be significantly underweight by my next birthday (between 16.7~17.5 - yes... I must achieve the old criteria, and keep there for a while... then maybe try to allow 17.5~18.5...)

2. Not *EVER* be in the 130s again.

Of course... if I don't end up living where I hope to... idk how realistic that pledge is, but dammit... this isn't a wagon thing, it's a mental disease... and while I have no desire to get rid of it, I will shape it into a form that is acceptable to me if its the last thing I do (and yes... I realize that it very well could be thank you very much).

What else...?

Ah yes. Cycle 5 ended kinda iffy for the 02468 and once I returned to where I am now, I couldn't really control things, so I dropped week 6 and just moved to my plan of a relatively low cal breakfast (i let it go above the 130ish c I had planned before I came back in order to get more veg in... never know if host family will give me veg or not - I did, however, tell them to NOT give me fruit, roots, or sugar - which they have honored now for two weeks! so that's happy... but yeah, breakfast has been 150~175 the last few days) + host family dinner. Still losing, even with significantly less exercise (~1-1.5hr per day vs. 3.5-4). Started the next level of Pilates video, but body ends up being rather sore or... deflated? (idk how to describe... I feel like a balloon that is loosing its air) the next day - so I've only been doing it once every other day.

Classmates in my grad-school program have all commented on my loss. Also, I am fitting back into my size 2 jeans from NY&C without a muffin top - which... idk where that places my approximate measurements b/c their website is down atm! And I really don't want to check with real measuring tape until I actually am <135 (not a BMI goal, but a big one for me... I can start wearing my old reward necklace again. Hoping to hit it by the weekend for a rather big event so I can have the necklace on). Anyway, I'm far ahead of the loss rate I had achieved last year (was still in high 140s this time last year if not over 150) so, that's pleasing.

Will come back and post tomorrow to update the weight. Hoping for 136.x (Literally knocks on wood).

Cycle 4/Weekly Weigh In

Comments: I responded in the comment thread on the post you two lovely ladies commented on, just wanted to say thank you for visiting. It really does feel nice =] Will catch up on your blogs tomorrow night. I have to wake up early and it's already 1am so better get off asap... just want to get this posted.

Start Weight: 143.00 

End Weight: 140.91

Yeah... idk why but major gain after my last week's weigh in. Doesn't make sense really... I guess it was just a water gain from after the laxative use. *sigh* anyway, at least there was a lose again, but it isn't at the same level that it was (63.85 kg, 140.47 lb) 2 days after laxatives... so kinda disappointing. Oh well. Depending on tomorrow and the day after I *Might* be in the 130s on May 1st. That would be lovely. Not looking forward to tomorrows weighin... although I did fast successfully, I also had a whole pack of gum (8 sticks, 16g xylitol) which means I will probably retain water. Hoping that it might make me poo though... would be nice. haven't gone now in 8 days. 

If nothing happens tomorrow I, considering it is an 800 day and I will have very little control over what it is that is cooked/available and really no reliable way to count... (BBQ where I cannot bring my own food without setting off alarms), I may take 1 laxative (dosage for 15+ is 2-3 pills) in hopes that it will get things moving without being majorly disgusting... not sure - would like to crap before May 1st and all, ya know. 

Cycle four ended today, which is why I am posting late night. (really 1am Tuesday rather than morning of Monday) Also, idk why but I kinda thought today was Sunday for some reason lol... 

Today was a close call for managing my fast.... but I did. I had originally planned to have today be 400 but couldn't remember why... well, it was because I had a planned outing with a friend. Anyway, we didn't meet until around dinner time, and before we did I said i would cook something at home so we wouldn't need to bother finding a place that was safe for me (Gluten, yay... such a useful excuse). Exercise was also a close call. I had to jog for 30min to get the calorie burn I needed. But, I did it. Yay for me. 

Here's the summary. Also, expecting to make a rather big post on Friday this week, or maybe Saturday... Just to let you know. Lots of stuff up in the air atm, but should have clarity by then - enough so to share as much as I can without risking being identified should anyone I know ever find this blog.

	R	F	S	S	M	Average:
Plan (in)	200	600	800	400	0	400
Actual (in)	183	596	800	390	0	393.8
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2426	2536	2481	2421	2402	2453

but.... the math? (Cycle 3)

I hope I haven't used this image before... I DL it a while ago for this blog.

Anyway... the day after I posted YAY 140.5, i regained about 2.5 lbs of what I assume was water weight post laxatives... which almost undid all the good the laxatives did. wtf. *sigh* I need to up fiber/cals again once this 02468 is done so that I can have moments by myself... anyway, I was stuck at 143 for two days, and today - weigh in for end of cycle three, thank goodness, saw a drop again in overall number (Fat has been moving down consistently at least). 141.7 today..




So, Start of Cycle 3: 143.9
                       End:   141.7

2.2 loss, not bad. but not as good a I was hoping, because I was pretty sure the 143.9 was the result of backup.. ah well.


Intake/Output:

	S	S	M	T	W	Average:
Plan (in)	400	600	800	200	0	400
Actual (in)	380	596	792	183	0	390.2
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2430	2412	2358	2168	2733	2420

Food was no problem but exercise was. On monday I overestimated how many C i would burn while basically at rest. Seems my metabolism has changed... Tuesday, had a big event related to trying to find a job and it interrupted my exercise schedule... so made sure I hit over 2100, and then said the rest can be made up on wednesday - which I begrudgingly and successfully did. yay for that.

Halfway done now. 3 more cycles to go. Have found myself arguing with ED more recently. But it wins, so really whats the point? My legs still feel like Jello from yesterdays five hour walk... and yet within 45 min I will embark on a 3 hr walk (at least). ah well.

p.s. title of post is b/c I should have lost more over the last 15 days.... currently, 7.2 lbs lost, but should be 2000*15=30,000  30,000/3,500 = 8.57 so 1.3 lb short.... which would bring me back to 140.4 which would have been perfect.

Week 3 - April

Last Monday: 145.42
This Monday: 140.47
Loss: 4.95
% BW: 3.4%



Happy about the significant change. Unhappy that the math doesn't add up... However, I was already fairly full of waste by that time so maybe that's why. The way things are looking now, this month will be 2 BMI points down. That definitely makes me happy.

Also, I am going to two ballets next month, and should be able to be in 19.x BMI range for both. That also makes me very happy. So... overall, a good week. I mean, hey... the happiness from the scale is lasting more than just a few minutes for a change. Can't complain there.

Today is an 800 day. Had pretty bad leg cramps in the early morning so thinking I'll allocate 60c or so of it to coconut water in an attempt to get potassium up. It will come out of the calories for protein shake I usually allow. Probably won't try to make up the other 40.

waterlogged

Bella - Thank you very much for the comment. I hope you are feeling better.

I washed my food scales yesterday, and apparently... they are waterlogged. So this morning I spent 30 minutes franticly searching for the set my roommate has. She never uses them, and I knew they were somewhere in the bedroom I am using, but that was the problem. Somewhere. I started crying, because I really don't have money to spend on this kind of thing right now. I have another set of my own in the other country I'm living in so it isn't as if I can't survive when I go back there if the ones here don't work once they dry out (please lord, let them work tomorrow). Negative self-talk, even a raised voice at myself for a while... yeah I'm going crazy but what can I say - It was very very upsetting. Fortunately my roommate was not here to witness it. IDK what I would have done had she been here.

I had already measured out everything I've planned for lunch, so I was considering having that for breakfast and either skipping my planned breakfast (-200ish cal to plan) as punishment for fucking up (actually I also thought about not having anything at all as a punishment), or having it for dessert at dinner time. I cannot wait until I have my own kitchen again. I will simply measure out everything a week in advanced... EVERYTHING. it will be wonderful.

This post's title is also appropriate because yesterday I spent the whole day basically "pee-pooping" - a term that those who have done the Master Cleanse, and I'm sure many individuals with eating disorders can appreciate. Within 30-45 min of any glass of something to drink, I invariably would need to go to the bathroom, and barely any liquid passed through my kidneys. Thank you laxatives... well - I hadn't had a BM in over a week... I think it was justified. Hell, my stomach was actually pushed out by all the waste in in GI... so gross, I know. I'm sorry.

Cycle two of 02468 went without a hitch. Here's the summary:

	M	T	W	T	F	Average:
Plan (in)	200	600	400	0	800	400
Actual (in)	180	596	378	0	770	384.8
Plan (Out)	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400	2400
Actual (out)	2419	2411	2545	2474	2415	2452.8

Calories that I have had but didn't count include SF gum and tea/coffee which I have sweetened with 1.25c worth of sugar alcohols. I should be counting them... but just can't be assed right now. ED doesn't require it (though the -30 on Sunday was planned to accommodate the gum I had that day... so I guess I am counting it, a bit).

Wednesday weight: 145.42
Saturday Weight: 143.88 (which was 0 change from the day before, due to laxatives not having kicked in 100%)

1.54 in 5 days. Not bad I guess, but not what would be expected. Today I was 142.12... so I'm guessing maybe 142.5 yesterday would have been realistic if not for the massive backup. 1.9-2lb, given my average deficit of 2000 (a bit more than that... but whatever) would be more mathematically correct (-2000x5=10,000... 10,000/3,500 = 2.85 actually is what math would expect 100%....) hoping that the slowdown this week is not repeated next... if so, it is very possible that by May 1st, I will be in next BMI point range, which would be swell. I'm already 'ahead of schedule', but that really would be a fantastic way to start the month... being in 20.x range again - which would mean I would certainly be in 19.x range before the end of the month. I'm going to two ballets next month... it would be nice to be 19.x BMI for both - though it is a bit of a stretch for the first.

What else... I had to change the order of cycle 3 a little because I was out of eggs, and I also have a rather important appointment on tuesday and don't want to be in fast stupor... (it was originally my 0 day) so... it is now 46820 instead of 64802. I'm ok with this - I would rather have not changed anything but well... it doesn't change the daily average so it's ok.

Friday has turned into a social event, but I think I can manage not to eat during it. Just in case I will skip breakfast so I can have a salad and some fish if I need to. It's planned at 600, so that would leave me 400 to work with. Saturday is a BBQ... I am on the food prep team, and gluten intolerance is an issue... so considering making a foil pack or two for myself at home before I go and just bringing it with me. Then there will be no guesswork. What to do what to do.

Ok... that's it (i've added stuff to this twice after publishing lol...) I want to get out of the house before roommate returns, which is at any minute, so I can get in 3 + hrs of walking without her knowing how long I've been away and also pick up a few things I couldn't find during yesterdays shopping trip for her home.

To readers who do not use laxatives, but think they might be helpful in weightloss, please read the following: Laxatives are not an effective way to purge calories, so don't take them for any purpose other than they are intended. The majority of their impact is on the lower-intestine. By the time food is there, the calories have already been absorbed... so yeah, really not helpful in calorie reduction.

Laxative abuse is a very serious problem. It really messes up your GI and hydration/electrolyte levels. I never take them unless I'm really constipated, and I strongly encourage anyone to follow that rule. Hell, even in such cases I will often try to simply load up on veggies for a few days to get things moving again... I just can't right now, because I'm following such a strict plan... Anyway, just don't do that to yourself. It's 100% not worth it - the only weight you lose is water and poop...