Back, and once again fat :(

73.2kg, 161.04 lb, 24.46 BMI.... Ew.

I hate winter... it's cold, so I don't go outside and walk... and it's cold, so I have low tolerance for starving (because that makes you colder) and it's also a season with so many of the foods I am weak to... Especially sweet potatoes, and things made from sweet potatoes... Seriously, it's like I want to get fat each winter, so I have to lose it all again in Spring. I really hate this cycle.

Lots has changed since last I wrote, not only my weight. I am living in a developing country right now - will be for a few more months at least (vague enough... lots of developing countries, with lots of foreign women in them). This has also significantly contributed to my lack of exercise (excuse... but kinda based in reality) - the air quality here is very poor (still applies to many countries...), and I actually spent a whole day throwing up after just having a 2 hr walk outside without protection... So, I bought a mask :D now I can walk outside even on bad days... Hopefully that will help.

I am staying with a family, to save money. My time here should only be temporary, so to get an apartment didn't make sense if I could avoid it. This has been a problem for eating... because they insist on cooking for me. Because of my gluten intolerance, they don't add grains in general, but often times they will include tubers like potatoes... and well, carbs are a fear food, so that isn't good. Recently I've taken to being out of the house until I know they are asleep, so I can pick out any offending food from what they cook me, and throw it away. I only eat 100c for breakfast, no lunch, and then the dinner they make... I cannot count the calories in it, because I do not know the uncooked weights, or how much oil they use when they do... but I figure it shouldn't be more than 500c since usually it's only a little meat and about 200g~300g cooked veggies. It's just that it has so much fat in it... so that's why I guess 400-500c... so a total of 500-600 a day... I can live with that, the scale is going down, so it's ok.

What else? I have a significant other! He is also living in another country at the moment, but we hope to be living together once his assignment there is done and I'm done here. It's nice. He actually thought I was too skinny at 135ish when we met (20.5BMI about), which is kinda sweet... but I do intend on being at least that weight if not lower when we next meet again... this 160s thing is simply unacceptable.

I was going to put my whole plan for the next 1/2 a year up now, in very broad strokes, but uh... well, I decided to save it 'til tomorrow. What I will say for now is that this is the year I will be <17.5 BMI. Screw the new DSM and it's lack of that number as a definition. It's a notch on my belt I want to have, at least for a short time... then I'll strive to float in that magical 18.5~17.5 BMI range of 'underweight', and never leave it again... This was the last winter I will gain significant weight... I'm done with that. More tomorrow.

Binge, Shame & Triggers

breaking the cycle for now... thus able
to post about it ._.

I've said it before, though not exactly where... but anyway, I'm moving out of the country very soon. And where I'm going, it isn't a very GF Friendly country. Gluten Intolerance is far less common in that part of the world, so they don't do as much for it... and anyway, the thought of not being able to find GF easy sources of carbohydrates put me into a bit of a tail spin. So here I am, on a sunday morning, not having weighed in and I won't be... because I'm on a carb hang over, and too afraid of what the water weight will show. And even perhaps a fat gain.... Disgusting ._.

I've been disgusting. I've most definitely had in the last few days more than I did in the last month, and it makes me sick to my stomach. No more. I wasn't even hungry half of the time... I just felt justified because it wouldn't be available anymore soon. I'll be waiting until Wednesday to weigh in I guess.

While going about getting my Visa I had to make a trip into the nearest major city, Boston, to go to the local embassy for the country I'm moving to. Standard stuff really. While I was there, I saw an add for a hospital run study re: eating disorders and well... here it is.

It, coupled with some stories I've heard from other girls either in the past or very recently (like the same day I saw it the first time recently) caused me to feel very strongly that this advert represents everything that is wrong with ED related treatment/lack there of. I can't tell you how many times I've heard girls say they want to get help, but are afraid they won't be taken seriously because of their weight... or how much it sickens me that the average bulimic only gets weeks of inpatient treatment in contrast to months for an anorexic... that people are denied help when they ask for it, and told that they will get it "if they get to an underweight BMI".

I'm writing a letter to the study... explaining all this. How wrong their advert is, how sickening it is that out of the 5 studies they are currently doing on EDs, only one of them isn't directly related to anorexia (it's related to sleep related eds)... and that I find it entirely pathetic that the physical result of the behaviors has more bearing on diagnoses and treatment/research eligibility than the behaviors that define what is generally classified as a PSYCHOLOGICAL/BEHAVIORAL disorder.

I'm still revising the letter... and honestly haven't decided if I'll post it here or not (it will probably depend on if the researchers respond, and what their response is...). I know that it won't change anything in a broad and overarching way... it's probably pointless. BUT, maybe... just maybe, it will open the eyes of the team who is behind this ad at least... maybe it will inspire one study, even just one, that deals with early detection and treatment... and if anything like that happened because of a rant I wrote... well, that would be a wonderful thing, even if it was only small.

Comments and Weigh in

Stats:

Weight: 135.8 (-1lb since last time)
Fat: 29.5 (+3 lbs since last two times, but I noted they were probably inaccurate... was when I was supposed to have my period so I think that might have messed with my scale)

So, overall I'm not displeased. From before the -4lb change in Body Fat, I've lost 1.5 lbs, and I think taht is a far more realistic number... so although it would have been LOVELY to have really dropped 4-5 lbs of fat in half a week, I'm not freaking.

I've gotten back into the habit of stepping on and off my scale 5 times and then selecting the most consistent values as my official weigh in. OCDish behaviors 4-the-win. *sigh*

Comments:

Patti- I published both because replying in public (only way for me to reach out to you) to something others can't see seems strange to me. If you want to delete either one you can, now that they are published, but I don't think you should. Your points are valid, not preachy at all... and honestly, I want realism to be part of this journal, not some idealized picture of EDs that promotes the stupid idea that they aren't any consequences to the behaviors... Also, you weren't telling me how to run my life, and I think you also realize that a lot of the time we are driven to engage in behaviors without feeling that we have a choice... Anyway, I didn't feel judged or upset by the comment, and feel it adds valid content to the blog =]

The fact is, purging is a very VIOLENT thing to do to the body. Aside from the long term effects of acid on the esophagus (Anyone fancy bleeding to death from rupturing their insides?) and the heart/low potassium etc... Plenty of people, I'm sure a number of the ones you mentioned arriving DOA, simply choke on their own vomit... It's a disgusting thing to do, it takes (sadly) a lot of practice to be effective (Which probably means a lot of gain before loss)... it often increases the frequency of binges because you tell yourself you can fix it after... I really don't see many positives. Very few of the bulimics I've spoken with are happy in their disorder. Most are very jealous of restrictive types...

So, basically, to anyone reading this that is thinking "oh, I should try that." I'd recommend not. Not even for the health reasons (which are plenty) but because it will probably only increase your self-hate/body issues/feeling of dirtiness etc.

Ava - I don't think I'm binging more often b/c of purging, and the one thing I've managed with the binging is to keep it so that I am still in deficit which is good... I need to stop though, it makes me feel mentally like crap after, as you know :( I think it's more b/c I'm trying to do too much each day... what with getting ready to move and all. Pre-enrollment classes. I think that once I'm done with work, and can focus just on the moving part of this all, it should stop being as much of a temptation.

numbers numbers...

Decided to play with some numbers... Trying to get used to thinking in KG too... I'll always think in lbs of course, but being able to switch between the two with a bit more ease sure would be nice.

KG      →      LBS                BMI

62 kg →　136.4              20.7 Guessing I'm going to be around here on Wednesday (Fingers Crossed)

59kg  →　129.8               19.7   Before September Please...

57kg  →    125.4              19.0  Before October ends Please.... (~Back to where I was last year... New LW!)

55kg  →    121                   18.4 Underweight (Before January Please)

53kg  →    116.6                17.7 Underweight enough 1 mistake won't make me be 'healthy' again.

52kg  →    114.4               17.4 Finally anorexic

51kg   →     112.2                17.0 (Ideal center to mainteance range?)

50kg →     110                   16.7 UGW

45kg →     99                  15 Just curious 

(saw a tumblr girl who was 5'8" and 100.8... rounded down to nearest KG to see what BMI that would be)

Missing purple...

Binged... purged (but not enough - lost ketosis thus the title) on Sunday. It was disgusting... I was running the shower to help cover up the noise and decided I might as well just go about it in there (i've read of others doing the same)... didn't think to bring something in with me to catch it all in... though after a little I did... so yeah, not giving any tips on how to go about making yourself vomit (not good enough at it anyway to give anything useful, but I never would anyway....) but I will say this - don't think it will go down the drain... if you decide to purge in the shower, bring a bucket or something.

Told myself last month that as long as I don't try to do this more than 2x a month I'm ok with it... results are so shit anyway that it really isn't worth it... and so long as I stay at that limit or below I doubt I'll ever get good enough at it for it to be so... just going to do my best to stick with restricting. Bulimia is so unappealing anyway... I never want to turn to that 100%. AN B/P Subtype wouldn't be *so* bad, but restriction subtype > all.... so time to get in gear fatass...

Been going over calories nearly every day by at least 200 (so 700-800 instead of 500-600). If  I can't get myself back in the swing of <600 by Thursday I think I'll plan up to 800 now even though it's early... better to plan, and eat safe things than not and eat shit. *sigh* maybe after a week of 800 I'll be strong enough to go down lower again, depending on where weight is...